Thanks, Scredle, I meant to thank you earlier for your friendly concern.
Uh…what does it really mean to cheat on a spouse or SO? Have sex with somebody else? That’s certainly one way to do it, but there are others just as destructive. Going out drinking with your buddies and revealing all the secrets of your spouse’s shortcomings (in your view) can be just as grotesque a betrayal as banging the neighbour, and I’d call that cheating too. Having a special friend to whom you reveal all the secrets of your heart that you should be (but aren’t) sharing with your spouse or SO, same thing. Hearing a spouse or SO reveal those same secrets and vulnerabilities and failing to take them seriously, laughing at them or ignoring them, same thing. You’ve failed your partner in a significant way, and that’s cheating on the terms of the contract. OTOH, if you’ve gone out with somebody a few times and had a good time, then go out with someone else, that’s not cheating. But if you’re in a committed relationship and you both know it, there are things you must not do with someone else. Sex is only one of them, and not, I think, the most important one.
One other thought: anyone who will cheat in a committed BF-GF relationship will also cheat in a marriage, because he/she does not understand the nature of commitment and loyalty. And is also a slimeball. You want to end a relationship, do it quickly and cleanly if you can, or slowly and dirtily (is that a word?) if there’s no other way, but tie it off before you bang the neighbour. End a relationship before you start another one, even a one-nighter; if you do anything else you deserve to be shot and pissed on, and I’ll be first in line with a pistol and a full bladder.
Been there too many times…
OldMan writes,
Hear, hear. One thing I’d like to add is that I’ve been in enough relationships that I’ve seen lots of misunderstandings. It’s taken me eight years and a few relationships to learn that we need to sit down and DISCUSS just what each of us means by fidelity. Me, I wouldn’t be particularly bothered by my SO coming to me and admitting they had a case of hot britches over someone, and as long as everyone got treated with fairness and honesty, I wouldn’t even care if they slept with someone else. What WOULD bother me is if my sweetie told them intimate details or whined to them when he and I disagreed.
So how many people out there find out too late that they and their SO have different ideas of what their committment really is…
Corr
I don’t think you should promise monogamy, fidelity, sexual exclusivity, etc., unless you intend on keeping your promises.
I personally don’t believe in making such promises–I’d never make them myself, and would never accept such promises from my girlfriend–but for those who choose to make them, I have respect only for those who do so with the informed intention of keeping them.
(By “informed intention”, I mean that they have some inkling of the fact that at some point the notion of having sex with someone else might be appealing)
It is stupid as hell to make the promise merely because you love someone and want to be a couple, though.
Sometimes it is understandable. An acquaintance of ours was in a bad marriage; drunken, verbally & emotionally abusive husband, rotten in-laws, married too young, REALLY miserable. It was clear the marriage was going down like the Lusitania and in her misery and grief she sought solace with a co-worker. What the fuck, it made her feel better, cared-for, maybe even a little bit loved for at least a short while in what was one of the crappiest times of her life.