Well, not exactly okay, but why is it viewed as more of a crime if you have an affair while married, as opposed to cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend? Do the boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s feelings mean less simply because they haven’t been signed into a marriage contract? In my experience people always appear to react more severely when they hear of someone having an affair during marriage. Any ideas why the boyfriend gets the short end of the stick?
(Mods: Sorry if this is in the wrong forum, I’m an idjit and just put it in this one with my fingers crossed.:p)
The way I see it, when you get married you are making a bigger commitment, you are effectively promising to keep the same mate for the rest of your life (though it often doesn’t work out that way). Now, if you cheat on your non-married SO it’s still a violation of trust, but if they find out and choose to end the relationship because of it, it’s a relatively simple matter as compared to ending a marriage. If you are married, divorce can often be impractical enough that your spouse has little choice but to remain married to you, despite your having betrayed them.
Or you can be in MY situation, in which your spouse cheated on you before you got married but you found out about it afterward. So you don’t get to make the informed decision and avoid marriage.
I also don’t make the distinction between cheating in a committed relationship and cheating in marriage. It’s despicable either way.
I guess the kind of people who are reluctant to ever marry because “the perfect man/woman” is right around the next corner are the most likely to consider it their right to cheat before marriage. They probably believe that when they finally hook up with that perfect person, they won’t be tempted to cheat anymore. Of course, they’ll discover that their perfect person isn’t perfect, and then they’ll go ahead and cheat.
I’m bitter. This might not be the best time for me to talk about this.
IANAL - but - Marriage is considered a legal binding contract. In the making of this contract each party has publicly vowed to remain faithful the the other.
Each person in a “committed” relationship that doesn’t include a formal marriage has most likely made the same promise to the other but it is not public, or legally binding - except in those areas where common law marriages are considered legally binding, and those usually involve an established multi-year relationship.
Morally, a commitment, whether public or private, should be considered binding, IMHO. Cheating in either one is wrong.
From my point of view, the BF-GF relationship is “practice”. Yea, you have kinda agreed not to date other people, but you havn’t done anything serious like signing a legally binding contract that includes the words “rest of my life”.
So breaking the practice contract is less serious than breaking the real thing.
Its a juvenile crime, and should be erased from your record when you turn 18 (or grow up, which ever.)
Cheating on your spouce is a fuck up. Cheating on your SO is more of a “this relationship is a fuck up.”
Its not about the slighted party’s feelings. The hurt and pain isn’t really less, but the married individual has more in the relationship. (Ignoring for this moment the people who never get married, but live together for years. I’m talking baout the typical “We’ve been going out for six months” stuff) A married person has promised their life to another. Not “this is fun, we should keep trying it” but their LIFE. When an SO gets cheated on it sucks, but both parties can go on without losing much beyond what they personally have dropped into this “practice” relationship. (Which may or may not be easy). When a married person faces infiedelity its a break of what they have promised their LIFE to protect.
Both are equally wrong. Cheating is just wrong. One holds less of a stigma because its less dratic of an effect.
What the others said. BF-GF relationships have a basic fluidity - you can break up with your SO simply because you’re in a bad mood, if you so choose. The bonds of matrimony really are bonds, and while they’re not as tight as they once were, they’re still a damned sight harder to undo than it is to break off with a BF or GF.
So cheating on a relationship that exists only at your whim to begin with, is understandably (IMHO) viewed as considerably less serious than cheating on a relationship that you’ve promised in front of witnesses to be true to for life, regardless of how many marriages end in divorce.
Not to mention the fact that many marriages involve an oath before god, in a church, to be faithful, until death do you part. Many people feel that such an oath means something.
was the ‘cheated on’ spouse in my marriage, have 15 years with current SO, wouldn’t cheat on him, nor do I think he’d cheat on me, and I’d consider it just as serious a fuck up as I did w/my ex.
That outta the way, BEFORE I was married, I dated. A Lot. To the best of my recollection was faithful to exactly one guy, and that only because we were physically together every single available moment.
During that time, for the most part I simply dated, did not introduce folks as my b/f or whatever. I figured that I’d not promised fidelity in any way shape or form.
However, I recall bumping into a guy that I’d dated, about a year after we’d last seen each other. He started out with "I finally got ok in my mind about ‘us’ " :eek: First I’d known there was an ‘us’. I’d gone out with him maybe 3? times. at most. So, in his eyes, we were "SO"s - in my mind he was some guy I’d gone out with a couple of times.
I guess this is a me too post. I’ve had gfs cheat on me and it hurts but it’s like" oh f**kit, time to get another gf."
I’m married now and if my wife were to cheat on me, it’d be a lot worse because I can’t just walk out or kick her out. I would have to go through a process that would involve living with that person until a judge pronouces me divorced. It would cost more emotionally and financially. There is more emotional investment in a marriage and I suspect a higher level of trust. It’s more understandable when you’re betrayed by a gf/bf because after all, you’re not married. The fact that you’re not married is indication that your level of commitment is not the same. Not that I condone either behavior, but I think this is the most rational way to perceive it.
Mostly it depends on what the participants in a relationship have agreed to.
If two people are married, it is presumed that they have formally agreed not to cheat on each other. OTOH, unmarried couples have a wide range of “option plans”, from swearing total and complete fidelity to each other to casual dating.
Compare cheating to lying. There is a huge difference between lying in court, where you have sworn to uphold the truth, lying to someone to whom you have promised to tell the truth, and lying to someone to whom you have no commitment whatsoever.
If your understanding of your relationship with your significant other is that absolutely no cheating is allowed, you’d better make sure that he or she has the same understanding. It won’t necessarily prevent the cheating, but it will certainly raise the stakes.
To my way of thinking it depends on the consequences.
Finding out that your beloved has done you wrong always sucks.
It sucks worse if you’re sharing a living space, if you’ve got a mortgage and investments together, if you’re legally tied through marriage. It sucks worst of all if there are innocent children stuck in the middle.
Bluethree:
I don’t mean to get personal or anything, but this is the 3rd time I’ve read your mention of this in the last few days. Did you just find out about your husbands
prior indiscretion, or are the thread topics just rehashing
it?
I feel so badly for you. I also think that marriage is sacred, although I’m not married, but it kinda bothered me when you said in another thread that now you were “stuck with him.” I hope that you are not feeling trapped. It must
such a difficult thing for you to handle. If you’re feeling
like he just “got away” with it, and there’s nothing you can do now, I urge you to get some counselling. You shouldnt feel like this is your thing to get over. Its his
problem, too, and he’s going to have to get used to the fact
that its going to be a sore spot for you indefinitely, most likely.
I dont mean to pry, I’m sure you know all this stuff, but I just wanted to offer my support.
It’s not O.K. to cheat.
Ditto.
Ever.
I third that.
I have to join the ones who say that by getting married, you promised not to do that.
Otherwise, don’t get married if you don’t plan on being faithful.
BUT it irritates me to no end when a guy lies to his girlfriend about being a dog, and then tells his friend “there’s no ring on my finger”. Schmuck. He might as well tell her then, so she at least knows where he stands on the subject. I guess it just isn’t the same if she can do what he is doing, or vice versa (he can do what she is doing).
Does that mean he/she can cheat on someone until he/she is married?
Yech. With the kinds of std’s out there, I would neve go for it.
To me that says you have no intention of marrying the one you cheat on, and should stop wasting your time and break up so that both can find “the one”.
Of course not. I hope I didn’t give the impression that I believed it was okay.
Though it is more of a problem breaking apart by getting a divorce when your married, it still doesn’t justify the behavior some people have that it is more acceptable to cheat with your significant other. Lying outside of court does not make you any less of a liar than when you are under oath, and cheating when you haven’t taken marriage vows doesn’t make you any less of an asshole than you are.
What definition to the behavior do you give that qualifies as ‘to cheat?’ DP? Shucks, something like 46% of married people say holding hands with someone you aren’t married to qualifies as cheating.
You ought to read some of the subjects here about if internet relationships qualify as that.
If both members agree on a level of monogamous commitment, regardless if it’s the first date or marriage, then cheating is wrong. I don’t know, I was taught growing up that you break up with a gf/bf FIRST before you start dating someone else, and certainly before you start making the double backed beast.
I won’t think you’re pure scum if you haven’t made a monogamous commitment, or if you’re up front with your partner that you like to fool around some. I will think less of you, but won’t call you a liar.
I think the difference is that if you are not married, you have not made a pledge to stay with that person. You may feel very close, but until you get married you have never commited yourself to that person for life. So, the difference to me is that if you cheat on your husband/wife you are breaking a promise that you made to yourself and your spouse. OTOH, if you cheat on you bf/gf you might actually be cheating with your future husband/wife…if that makes any sense.