Why is this total stranger in my bathroon at 3 in the morning?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So last Saturday night, after an evening in with two very scary movies (Night Watch, and Feast) Mrs. Lebeef and I settled in for the night. About three thirty in the morning my wife is whispering furiously “Who is in the house?” . No response from me, because I don’t sleep, I take a short course in death. Next she’s shaking me and saying " Yancey, wake up, someone is in our bathroom!"

I woke up and grabbed my trusty aluminum baseball bat (which in the small hallway between our bedroom and bathroom would be totally ineffective as a weapon) and try to open the bathroom door. It’s locked, so I pound on it and say “Get out of my bathroom”, or something inane like that. A small voice says “Just a minute” and for a second I thought it was our next door neighbor who has a key to walk our dogs in the afternoon. Why she would be in our house, using the bathroom at 3:30 in the morning didn’t even cross my mind.

The bathroom door opens, and out walks this late teen, early twenties girl in the Denver uniform of a Hoodie and back pack. I ask her who the hell she is, and what she was doing in my house. She slurs out, “My name is Simone” Like I’m supposed to know who the fuck that is. I tell her to drop the book she carried out of the bathroom. (The Straight Dope Tells All) and get out of my house, before I call the cops.
She starts walking toward the front door, with the book, and I tell her to drop it again. She whines that it’s hers, she broght it with her, and when I started walking toward her, she dropped in on the porch, said “Fine” and walked away.

By this time my wife and our two completely ineffectual watch dogs are up and in the living room with me. The girl meets a friend on the street and just sits there smoking a fag. My wife calls the cops, because they aren’t going anywhere, just sitting ther, and she thinks they are casing the joint. About a minute before the cops show up, the door to the house right across the street opens up and they stumble inside.

When the cops get there (huge guys, by the way. I’m 5’10" and they towered over me) we explained what happend and they went next door to check it out. Five or ten minutes later they come back, saying “She is a very drunk person, and wandered in to your house by mistake. Do you want to file charges?”

We said no, the wife went back to bed while I lay awake for about three hours jumping at every noise in the house.

Now my wife wants to change the locks, and I am trying to explain that it wasn’t the locks, it was the back door being slightly ajar so the dogs could pee that allowed her to get in.

We are locking the house up every night now, and taking turns letting the dogs out in the middle of the night, and I’ll be honest, I’m slightly pissed because we have changed our behaviour. The drunken denizins of Denver have already won.

2

You didn’t let her keep the book?

Now how’s her ignorance going to be fought?

3

Aaah, so you’re the one.

4

This story didn’t turn out very well in The Sixth Sense.

You might want to…

make sure you’re alive

:wink:

5

Ah, you have to love Denver. :rolleyes:

I suggest you get a doggie door installed.

Once, I bumped into one of my father’s one-night-stands on my way to the bathroom. Being 15 and finding a strange woman in the house and then realizing my father had sex with her :eek: was very freaky. Then there was the time I found my roommate’s post-clubbing playmate trying to make coffee in our kitchen at 4 am. He was far from sober and wasn’t happy when I told him that we don’t drink coffee. There was also the time I lived with a polyamourus couple. . .

Hopefully, this will be the last time you encounter a strange person in your home.

6

You do have to admire her choice in bathroom reading material.

Aside: I can’t believe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t know your neighbors - at least very well - and leave your door ajar at night. I’d at least fire your watch dogs, or find someone with better bladder control.

7

:stuck_out_tongue:
Does this mean I never have to hear that song again?

8

Sorry, but the world is big mean old place, and it has been for centuries.
Gotta lock those doors. And train your dog to not piss in the house.

9

My daughter did this once. She’d been boating with friends who had a cabin on the lake. When she started to get sunburned, they dropped her at a dock, pointed vaguely north and said “There’s the house, make yourself at home.”

She was drinking a beer and playing the stereo when the owner showed up. She was embarrassed and he was understanding. The houses were really close together.

But yeah, I’d lock my door, especially now that she knows where to find the book.

10

and I thought it was going to end…“And then I walked back into my bathroom, and there was my copy of The Straight Dope Tells All still in the bathroom…and hers was on the porch.”

11

I guess I’m just not drinking right, because I’ve never been drunk enough to walk into somebody else’s house.

12

We know all the neighbors EXCEPT the ones right across the street. It’s a rental property with a fairly high turnover.

13

And why shouldn’t it be?

All the occupants keep moving out.

Spontaneously. :smiley: