Why Not Sexual Moderation?

Great Debates
1

OK, I’ve been trying to think of a way to put this without sounding prudish or condemning, and I wind up deciding on a title which could be read as giving our Moderators even more work! :sigh:

Anyway, my question for debate is what’s wrong with the idea of moderation in who you choose to have sex with? I’m not advocating lifelong celibacy, nor am I out to condemn anyone. It’s just that I cannot picture having sex with someone I don’t already know well, like, trust, and respect. There’s no way I’m asexual. At the risk of TMI, I’m downright multi-orgasmic and I have been lucky enough to have never had a bad time in bed with someone. Then again, I’ll also argue that it’s partially because of my insistence on knowing, liking, trusting, and respecting the person I’m with.

I know how much a rush sex is. I can remember being amazed that anything in the world could feel so good. I can also remember being so desparately horny and curious that I was tempted to go and find any willing man and find out for myself what I was missing (I lost my viriginity rather late). Then again, I’ve also been celibate for years at a stretch and while yes there are times when I’d rather not be, it’s a bit like going back to Hawaii – I’ll wait until an appropriate time.

So, is there anything wrong with gently advocating or discussing moderation? In the case of the young transgendered person who was killed, maybe if all parties had gotten to know each other, it wouldn’t have happened. I’m not blaming the victim here. If anything, it’s one more reason for me to be angry with the killers because apparently they didn’t take the time to find out much of anything about their victim before having sex.

I admit it. In some ways, I’m a prude. I had a long time reconciling having sex with my former fiance, and it got worse after I realized we weren’t going to marry. I’ve had very few lovers in my life, and have probably turned down more than I’ve accepted. I’m also incredibly naive at times and a bit of a romantic.

I understand the power of sex. It can be incredibly powerful, healing, life restoring, and a hell of a lot of fun! It can also, if misused, be pretty dead destructive, as anyone who’s been raped can tell you.

I look forward to reading your thoughts.
CJ

2

Such is my inclination, as I discovered soon enough in the course of giving myself free rein to do whatever I wanted.

I’m not a prude; in fact I think I’m a slut at heart. I see nothing morally wrong with seeking out the ones you find cute and doing as many of them as you can. But I’m an emotional hedonist, and there just isn’t enough zap unless I’m in love.

I figure if we tell people to go find what does it for them, many of them will discover this for themselves as well, and with fewer hangups than if we anoint the pickier, more personal variants as The Way it Oughta Be and disparage the quicker, more superficial forms.

3

I think it boils down to how you look at sex itself, or if you can separate sex from love. They don’t have to go hand-in-hand. Sex is usually better with someone you love, but if no hearts are being broken, sex for the sake of sex is fine too. Being a married person in an exclusive relationship, my husband and I won’t be venturing outside our own little love nest, but I have no problem with the concept of open marriage or having sex just because its fun.

4

I’d like to define two terms for use in my post.

casual sex: sexual intercourse between individuals whom have not established an intimate emotional bond.

lovemaking: sexual intercourse between individuals whom have established an intimate emotional bond.

It seems the OP wants to compare and contrasts the benefits of one versus the other. I think most everyone will agree that lovemaking is more satisfying than casual sex. I’m not sure “moderation” is even the issue.

For me, for the past eight years or so, I’ve had sufficient amount of lovemaking opportunity to not have any need for casual sex (kinda like Maslow’s hierarchy, if you will). Prior to that, going back through college and high school, I often had casual sex. And I have no regrets.

My point is that not everyone is fortunate enough to be in loving relationships all the time. To somehow deny casual sex when lovemaking isn’t an option seems a bit draconian to me. On the otherhand, if folks desire to supplement their lovemaking with casual sex, I see nothing wrong with that either.

Two other points:

Rape is not an act of sex, or an act of casual sex. It is an act of violence that happens to leverage a physical sexual act. I don’t understand how rape has anything to do with the gist of the OP.

Just want to make sure folks do not assume that open marriage implies casual sex. I’m not sure if that was an assumption that EchoKitty was making, but it would be a poor assumption.

5

It doesn’t always include casual sex, but it frequently involves casual sex. There are lots of wives (and husbands) who approve of their spouses going elsewhere for sex because they’ve lost interest in it. Although that’s not the only scenario that would involve an open marriage and casual sex.

6

As a 19-year-old virgin (yes, I know there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin in college), I’ve faced that curiosity too… but my morals keep a proverbial chastity belt on me - plus I’m waaaay too shy to even subtly hit on someone (oh, I hit on people in jest occasionally, but that doesn’t count). I dress and act like a real prude sometimes, but I have my “other” side too. Anyway, I believe sex is good as long as there’s some form of love involved. Love, not infatuation or a crush or lust, but love. Now there doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic relationship involved, you just have to know the person (or people, if you’re into that) really well, trust them, and discuss sex before actually doing it. If people knew their partners well before going at it, there wouldn’t be as many complications resulting.

For example, if a good friend and I decided to do some sexual experimentation together (it’s been discussed with a particular friend, but we’ve never actually done anything), it would be all right, since we love and trust each other. However, if I was talking to someone I barely knew but the person turned me on and we had sex, I’d definitely regret it. Without love, what’s sex?

To me, sex (when both partners consent, know each other, communicate, etc.) is a beautiful and sacred thing. People don’t take it seriously any more. The porn industry makes sex seem like a mindless, carnal, physical activity, while many religious groups condemn sex (except in a heterosexual marriage) and make it something people feel ashamed of. Society has so many mixed attitudes about sex, people forget what’s it about.

As for things like polyamory, I believe it’s all right as long as all people involved approve of it and have happy, loving relationships. Affairs and casual sex just seem wrong. It’s natural to lust after someone else, and if your significant other and the love object approve and everyone is happy, go for it.

That’s what I have to say, anyway. This is from the girl who led a discussion of vibrators last night (among a co-ed group of mostly modest people) and ended up on the quote board for yelling “It’s 2 PM and I’m horny, dammit!” (There’s a long story attached to that, but I was saying it as a joke…) My attitudes about sex have drastically changed in the past year or two, from associating with people who lead “alternative lifestyles,” questioning society’s expectations, and learning that it’s perfectly fine to have desires and not be ashamed of them.

Damn, multiple orgasms… wish I could have those… wish I could have a friggin’ orgasm in the first place… oh well.

7

Screw 'em all and let God sort it out.

8

I must say, it’s strange seeing something described as beautiful and sacred by someone who has never experienced it.

9

—To me, sex (when both partners consent, know each other, communicate, etc.) is a beautiful and sacred thing. People don’t take it seriously any more.—

I disagree. Sex is one of those things you can take seriously, and you can not seriously, and both are great, and most people realize that.

It’s like food. You can either love the ins and outs of great food, the art of it, the gormet instinct, or you can chow down on great fast food, and just love it. Both are great. There is a place for both, and doing one doesn’t mean you don’t, or can’t, appreciate the other.

Just because people glory in porn doesn’t mean that they can’t appreciate love.

Porn can be funny and fascinating. Read this. It’s great. Who knew a woman working in a porn store could be so insightful?
http://www.improvisation.ws/mb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=4475

10

One thing seems to be missing from this discussion–reproduction. No matter how careful you are, there is always some finite probability of creating a new human being. Not trying to start an abortion debate here (I think it’s a very complicated and subtle issue, not one on which I take a “side”), but if we accept that abortion as birth control is not morally neutral, then we have to accept pregnancy as a possible result of nearly every act of heterosexual intercourse. For me, that trumps everything else. I will not risk creating a new person, no matter how much I might enjoy it, or how unlikely it might be, unless I am willing to take FULL responsability for him or her. To me, that includes providing a relatively stable home with the opportunity to loved and raised by both parents. A loving, committed marriage is the only cicumstance in which I could honestly say I have dome everything possible to provide that.

11

One thing seems to be missing from this discussion–reproduction. No matter how careful you are, there is always some finite probability of creating a new human being. Not trying to start an abortion debate here (I think it’s a very complicated and subtle issue, not one on which I take a “side”), but if we accept that abortion as birth control is not morally neutral, then we have to accept pregnancy as a possible result of nearly every act of heterosexual intercourse. For me, that trumps everything else. I will not risk creating a new person, no matter how much I might enjoy it, or how unlikely it might be, unless I am willing to take FULL responsability for him or her. To me, that includes providing a relatively stable home with the opportunity to loved and raised by both parents. A loving, committed marriage is the only cicumstance in which I could honestly say I have dome everything possible to provide that.

12

Well, you don’t have to experience something to have an opinion on it. Do you have to experience eating shit to think it’s gross? Anyway, I’ve seen, heard, read, and imagined enough to justify my opinion. If I ever eventually experience sex and think otherwise, so be it.

13

One thing seems to be missing from this discussion–reproduction. No matter how careful you are, there is always some finite probability of creating a new human being. Not trying to start an abortion debate here (I think it’s a very complicated and subtle issue, not one on which I take a “side”), but if we accept that abortion as birth control is not morally neutral, then we have to accept pregnancy as a possible result of nearly every act of heterosexual intercourse. For me, that trumps everything else. I will not risk creating a new person, no matter how much I might enjoy it, or how unlikely it might be, unless I am willing to take FULL responsability for him or her. To me, that includes providing a relatively stable home with the opportunity to loved and raised by both parents. A loving, committed marriage is the only cicumstance in which I could honestly say I have dome everything possible to provide that.

14

(picturing Agentfroot after her first experience…swingin’ from the chandelier – naked – talking dirty and saying things like, "Hey, daddy! Give momma some more! Momma wants more!) :wink:

15

agentfroot, casual sex without any love involved may be wrong for you, in which case you should not engage in it. I respect and admire you for taking that stance as regards yourself and your own life, but I would take issue with your chastising others for their habits, if that is indeed what you are doing. I think casual sex can be engaged in responsibly and in a healthy way, and that, to me, is not wrong.

But I don’t like it. It seems like a lot of work for no reward. When casual sex is over, what do you have? Okay, a nice memory if you’re lucky, and a good story to tell, but that’s it. One thing that makes sex so great for me is the “building” aspect, that you’re building something with someone, establishing a bond with them. If you’re just looking to get off, then why involve another person? Masturbation is cheaper, easier, and in my experience, more pleasurable than loveless, casual sex.

16

Care to explain how?

17

Not really, but smelling shit sure helps with the judgment call. Smelling sex is pretty similar – it’s difficult to imagine how somebody who has smelled the after-effects of sex could still think that sex is “sacred.”

18

In my opinion there is no such thing as sanctity. Prove me wrong.

Number one, be open and honest and place your partners feelings above your own.

Number two, use contraceptives well enough to reduce the risks of pregnancy and STDs to insignificance. You can combine more than one contraceptive method, you know, and in so doing the risks become so small that forgoing sex just to avoid them becomes foolish in itself.

Nevertheless, sex is best confined to relationships.

19

Why don’t you believe that there is such a thing as sanctity?

20

Taking reasonable precautions against unwanted pregnancy and transmission of STD’s fits when engaging in sex fits my definition of responsibility. Apparently it doesn’t fit yours. That’s fine, we can disagree on that. Takes all kinds to make a world. :slight_smile: