This was inspired by Kythereia’s want ad Pitting. But I didn’t want to hijack that thread, so I posted it here:
Putting up signs on telephone and lamp poles is illegal. I’m sure of this, and I’ll tell you why.
Years ago I tried to make a living by teaching guitar lessons. I advertised in my own neighborhood by taping flyers to lamp posts. The effort was fruitless. Within a few days, all of the flyers were gone. I never picked up even one student.
About six months later, my roommate, Mark, got a letter. It was a court summons. It was addressed to “Guitar Lessons”, but it was for Mark because the phone number I listed on the flyers was in his name. My roommate was a little pissed, but I told him I would go to court for him, as it was my fault. When the court day came, I had lost the summons, and had no idea where to go. I assumed it was the courthouse right down the street. So I went there. They never heard of me. So I went to the courthouse downtown. The one you saw on Ally McBeal. Never heard of me there, either. Without the summons, no one could tell me anything. I suggested to a bailiff that they put all of their information on a computer. His response? “Are you kidding? That’ll never work! Computers are always offline!”
So I figured “Hey, if they don’t want me, then I don’t want them. Fuck 'em.” Well, not really. I figured that at least I should call the court and explain my absense. As it turns out, it was Mark that called. When I asked him about what they said, he was practically in tears. “I have to surrender myself”, he said. Huh? “I have to surrender myself. I’m going to jail!”
Not wanting to believe that Mark could do hard time because I wanted to teach children to play Stairway to Heaven, I told him not to worry about it, I would straighten it all out. So I called the court the next day. “Surrender yourself” was all the voice said, with all the warmth and charm that a hardened cop could muster. Huh? “Surrender yourself”, he repeated. The tone of his voice implied “You scum-sucking child molester.” It was clear that he regarded me as the worst sort of criminal low life imaginable. “Can I just explain?”, I pleaded. “No. Surrender yourself.” “But…” “Surrender yourself.”
After a few rounds of this, I decided that since I was the worst outlaw since Jesse James, I might as well be rude to the cop and explain myself anyway. And brashly, at that. After all since I (or more likely, Mark) was going to do hard time in the joint, I might as well manufacture a reason for it. “Listen, you idiot”, I began. “Surrender yourself”, he said again, right on cue. I launched into an explanation, telling about how I tried to show up, how I got the runaround, etc. All punctuated by regular protests of “surrender yourself”, which I gleefully talked over.
When I got the end of my explanation, officer Obie’s tone changed completely. Suddenly he was my bestest friend in the world. “Oh”, he said. “Why didn’t you say so? You just need to get a new court date. I can set that up for you right now.” Pressing my luck, I offered “And will you kindly suck my dick, you offensive snot?” “Sure”, he offered. “How wet and sloppy would you like that, sir?”
OK, part of that last paragraph is somewhat fictional. His name wasn’t Obie.
Several months later, the new court date arrived. It was to be at the big courthouse downtown. The one you saw on Ally McBeal. And this time, Mark went with me.
It was a strange setup. The kind you never saw on Ally McBeal. There were a dozen mini-judges, all at little desks, with lines at each one. Strange. I wouldn’t get my chance to ham it up, saying things like “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury” or “You’re out of order! You’re out of order!”
When we finally got to the mini-judge, he explained our sentence: “You have to take those signs down.”
“They’re already down, sir. Been down for six months.”
“I don’t care”, he said. “They have to come down.”
“But sir, they’re not up anymore. They came down long ago!”
“Just take them down”, he said with stern authority.
“They’re already down!”
“You’re not listening”, he said. “You need to take them down.”
“Suck my dick, you deaf putz!”
“You’re still not listening. Take them down.”
“There’s a pelican in my Levis!”
“Listen to me. Take them down.”
Thank Og for Mark. He picked up on the clues that I was missing.
“Yes sir”, he said with all humilty. “I’ll take them down this afternoon.”
“That’s better”, said mini-judge. “You’re free to go.”
