So let’s apply this to the situations I outlined in the OP: what should I have done, IYO? Would you have behaved differently? And if so, in what ways?
I don’t think so, Leaffan. Not knowing how to react is one thing. Persevering when told “No, I’m fine” to the point of interfering with the person running the wheelchair is just flat rude. Lack of experience is not going to turn you rude. Is it?
I would have left you the fuck alone. I have a fairly decent …brain.
I’m just saying that a lot of an older generation have no clue how to approach such a situation because it wasn’t part of their upbringing. We never saw people in wheelchairs. And, as mentioned, buildings were not wheelchair-accessible.
Look, I’m cool with everything, but I think you need to cut people some slack who have now fucking clue how to deal with this: they really don’t.
Again, “having no clue” is not equal to “being pushy and rude”.
No, you misunderstand. I’m asking you, if you were me, how would you have responded to the situations in the OP.
I don’t know. I really don’t.
If I was as strong and independent as you I suppose I would feel humbled and perhaps humiliated. But I don’t know.
I do know that a generation of able-bodied people (if that’s the correct term) don’t really have much experience around the disabled. It’s just the way it is.
Of course I know this. And I asked you how you would have responded if you were me because you seemed as if you were (mildly) critical of how i behaved. I figured if you were critical, you’d have an opinion as to what you thought was more appropriate behavior.
I’m not critical at all.
Far from it.
It’s hard to read people on a message board.
PM will be sent.
I’m also confused about what the hell some idiot’s “good intentions” have to do with anything? It’s simply a question of respect–if you offer someone something, an alcoholic drink, drag off a joint, big chunk of chocolate cake, help with a task and are told “no thanks,” then that should be the end of it. No wheedling, no insisting, no asking several times to “make sure” another person knows their own mind and what’s best for them. And all those assholes who encourage this sort of behavior by expecting others to insist and wheedle them into something, fuck you too. Especially fuck you to the people who get upset and cranky at me because I took them at their word that they don’t want something I offered–if you can’t be upfront and honest about your needs and wants that’s YOUR problem.
A little more direct honesty and respect would go a long way toward fixing a lotta problems in our society.
+1000
Ok. No worries man, you’re one of the good ones here. 
Considering that you were raised by two people who valued your opinions, needs and desires less than zero? Probably. I sure had that problem, and your Bad Relatives manage to make some of mine seem normal (in the bad part of the curve, but normal).
You left out tea 
But yeah, that’s what it boils down to: “do you want…” should never be the beginning of a rethorical question - whatever the rest of the question is! It’s about respect.
How did I miss this post?? It’s fucking great. The experience of microaggressions that you describe and what makes them impactful is 100% spot on and I only wish I could have articulated it this well myself. It’s actually something I’ve had difficulty at times communicating to others. Bravo.
I also appreciate the kind words.
monstro’s posts are typically pretty great. This one was helpful for me in reframing the issue.
I think I was off-base about rage issues contributing here. Turns out my off-board sources suck.
[QUOTE=Nava]
Considering that you were raised by two people who valued your opinions, needs and desires less than zero? Probably. I sure had that problem, and your Bad Relatives manage to make some of mine seem normal (in the bad part of the curve, but normal).
[/QUOTE]
I have managed to pick up the critical stuff for appropriate vs. inappropriate behavior, but I’ll admit I’m at a disadvantage for determining what is normal/healthy etc, including what is a normal level of assertiveness. I have a hard time standing up for myself. I’m not really into the ‘‘my pain is worse than yours’’ game, but I have a problem sometimes when people come to me about their family issues, not because I’m unsympathetic but because I have difficulty parsing what’s a normal kind of family problem and what’s unhealthy. I’ll tell you one thing, whenever people say ‘‘Every family is dysfunctional’’ I want to punch them in the face. My whole life it’s been painfully clear that my family is not like other families. I guess that’s a sort of micro-agression. It’s a great example of shit people say to make themselves feel better, not me. Like people who approach the grieving with bullshit platitudes. I don’t want your fucking platitudes, I want you to acknowledge that I’m hurting and that this sucks.
Yeah, I think I get it now. It’s a universal thing, this need to be heard.
OP. Besides just saying “No Thanks” give an explanation: “I need to exercise my muscles so they don’t wither away.” “I need to practice opening the door by myself so I can easily do it when no one else is around.”
Except he shouldn’t have to.
I’m sorry. I find that people’s social anxiety can override their ability to respond as the person has requested.
I work in a building with a large number of people with physical differences, including chair users, Deaf sign speakers, veterans with TBI, etc., not to mention people carrying or pushing babies. I tend to say to anybody for whom getting through a door (for example) might be difficult something like, “Please let me know if I can be helpful.” All doors meet ADA standards, but that doesn’t mean they’re fully operable by everyone. After I had surgery and couldn’t lift (or pull) more than a few pounds, I was trapped in a restroom until someone else came in. The building manager has now installed a push-button entry, but this apparently isn’t actually required by ADA, even though it trapped me (and presumably anyone who couldn’t manipulate a heavy inward-opening door).
I agree completely with your complaint here, and like some others have mentioned, I am a small woman who is being constantly “rescued” against my will by helpful men. I would love for people to be more respectful of you and anyone who declines an offer of help.
But when you have a hard time understanding where people might be coming from, I just wanted to point out this:
Why shouldn’t you be treated the same way as an elderly woman using a wheelchair? You, an elderly woman in a wheelchair, a 25-year-old triathlete in perfect physical condition, all should be offered help if it looks like that may be useful, and respected if the offer is declined. You making that comparison makes it seem that you have an instinctive assumption that an elderly woman in a wheelchair is by definition weak and dependant, which is the same assumption you frequently face and (rightly) resent and fight against about yourself.
Thanks. I had much the same thought.
Have you seen a picture of Ambivalid? Frankly, I’d ask for his help if I needed to carry some groceries into the house. He’s buff. He’s got muscles. He’s someone you can look at and say “Whoa, that dude is strong”.
He is NOT at all the same as an elderly woman in a wheelchair unless the only thing you’re looking at is the wheelchair.
Which is, I suspect, the problem.
They aren’t seeing him as a human being, they’re seeing him as a wheelchair.
Picture a woman with ginormous boobs. All the time, people are looking at her boobs. She keeps saying “look at my face, talk to me” and they keep staring at her boobs. She says she’s earned two doctorate degrees and has personally saved the lives of 5,000 orphaned children in refugee camps but all people ask her is “what’s your bra size?” But I have a mind, she says, I’m so much more than just my boobs. They ask if if they’re real, if she works in the “adult entertainment industry” like Maxi Mounds and wow, she could make a good living from her boobs and why should she bother going to college she could just sell her body and live easy. But she didn’t choose to have ginormous boobs and she wants her mind challenged and be treated like more than just a blow-up sex toy.
Picture Ambivalid, a man in a wheelchair. All the time, people are looking at his wheels. He keeps saying “look at my face, talk to me” and they keep staring at his wheels. He says he’s eating healthy and exercising and wins body-building championships and can bench-press a Buick but people just keep asking “can I open that jar for you? You poor delicate thing, don’t strain yourself.” But I am strong he says, I am so much more than just the chair and legs that don’t work. They ask if he’s on disability and wow, he could just sit back and let the money roll in from all those welfare programs they hear about, why bother working so hard when he could just watch movies and play video games all day. But he didn’t choose to have a spinal cord injury, he wants to be a strong, healthy guy and treated like more than just a disability and do things other than sit in front of a TV all day.
And, of course, if I’m wrong on that Ambivalid can say so (it’s not like we’re going to stop him!) but I’m saying all that not just based on his posts but also on living 30 years with someone who struggled to be seen as more than just a birth defect. It’s a problem that’s as common as dirt with anyone with a perceived disability.
Saying everyone who uses a wheelchair is the same is like saying all black people are the same and have the exact same needs, wants, desires, tastes… basically, it’s a prejudicial stereotype. You may be the kindest, most generous person in the world 99% of the time, but if you say that then you’re not looking at the person, you’re looking at the chair and you need to re-evaluate your world view. You’re saying that the wheelchair is the most important thing about him, more important than anything else could possibly be and no matter what else he accomplishes in life it will never, ever matter more than the fact he’s in a wheelchair. Everything is eclipsed and shadowed by the wheelchair and needs to be seen with that filter. If he discovered the cure for cancer tomorrow his bio would still read
Ambivalid the guy in the wheelchair who discovered a cure for cancer
rather than
Ambivalid the guy who discovered a cure for cancer who, by the way, needs an accessible stage on which to accept the Nobel Prize because he uses a wheelchair instead of walking.
No, the buff bodybuilder in the wheelchair is NOT the same as the frail elderly person in the wheelchair. How ever could you think that, unless you’re not seeing them as individual human beings?