There was a day in school for that? Man,nobody tells me anything.
I always thought that negging was the sort of backhanded compliment meant to knock a person off balance, and then to cause them to seek approbation from the commenter. I never took that sort of comment as a tease, but always as a manipulation.
I’d have killed to have attended that day. My HS guidance counselor was asleep at the switch for that one too. 
Yeah. Or, maybe a test, of relative interest. “If you like me enough that I can insult you this much, how would you respond to more…?”
Henpecking (and its male-on-female equivalent) has to start somewhere.
And often, it’s a manipulation disguised as a tease: “Can’t you take a joke? Why are you so sensitive?” Etc.
This has reminded me of a discussion on another forum where people were talking about dating post-college, and of course being set up by friends/co-workers/family came up. One thing I gathered from that is that when someone tries to set you up with someone, be wary if they put too much emphasis on the two of you being from the same demographic. “He’s a nice Jewish boy…She’s a nice Chinese girl…He’s a good Southern boy.” If that’s all you have to sell me on, what are you not telling me about him or her?
Case in point was this one guy who was or had been in college when someone wouldn’t let up until he agreed to meet the Nice Chinese Girl they knew or were related to. Except, he wasn’t actively looking at that time. He was in one of those really intense programs like architecture, which didn’t leave time for a social life, let alone a dating life. He wasn’t worried, though; he figured when he got his degree and the work it would lead to, he’d have a lot of pull. But somehow he carved out an hour to meet the NCG for coffee. She was a total social butterfly and guy magnet, took two different phone calls during their meeting, and at the end, hugged and thanked him. “Now my parents will ease up on me about dating not-Chinese guys!”
(That could be the basis for a rom-com, actually; the prologue is the coffee date, then skip to ten years later and whatever changes that has wrought.)
I’d never heard of negging, until that episode of “The Big Bang Theory,” where Howard explains it:
Howard: Mock me if you will, but it works. You show up at a club in something distinctive, scope out your target and toss out some negs.
Raj: What are negs?
Howard: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game. Like “Normally, I’m not turned on by big teeth, but on you, they work.” I’ve got a whole list of em. …
So to Sunny_Daze, looks like you and Howard are in agreement–“negs” are meant to throw a person off balance, and to seek more from the neg-speaker.
They’re basically making YOU be the one who has piqued their interest, and not the other way around.
But it seems like an odd way to go about it; I always found that having a “couldn’t care less”/“no skin off my nose/take it or leave it” attitude toward a woman in the very early stages was the best way to go about it. They always seemed slightly baffled that someone would ask them out for coffee, but treated it like it was absolutely no big deal. I think there was a certain amount of “What makes this guy tick? He doesn’t look like Brad Pitt, so why is he so unconcerned?” going on.
Nothing negative, no backhanded compliments, just a sort of attitude that said that I was interested, but not concerned about how it goes either way.
A thing can have multiple uses. A car tire creates grip on the road but it also provides cushioning.
A neg can have a lot of uses. The main one, in my view, is to make the target think that you aren’t interested in her. “Yes, you are conventionally attractive, mostly, it’s just that blonds aren’t my thing, don’t take it personally”. She will react in a few different ways: be relieved you aren’t going to hit on her and then be willing to join in the fun; be offended because she was always the hot one of the group, so she will try to re-establish dominance by trying to make you want her; or try to move the group away from you.
How you respond to each case is easy. But a neg to hurt vulnerable people’s feelings is not in the toolkit.
I’m not even an expert in this stuff, I was married when all this crap came out, but Strauss is a good writer and I recommend it - it’s not a text book on how to pick up girls, no it’s a true story of how 6 or 7 guys came together in California and built a life together for a brief period of time, and all the trials and tribulations that followed. It’s a good book.
Sadly Strauss’ mom disowned him after reading the book.
Yeah, IIRC it reads like a novel, and a fairly good one.
You have hurt my self esteem…and now I want to have sex with you.
I think teasing is very similar to negging. “I’m putting you down, but we’re still friends, right? Can’t you tolerate being the butt of a joke?”
There’s a difference between teasing and negging. Negging seeks to actually attack the other person’s self-confidence in order to gain a psychological advantage.
I think teasing does the same. I think it’s often a strategy used by people to raise their relative status within a social group.
As I say, this *is* a thing I learned from PUA.
In a cold approach, having a very short interaction and politely walking away at some point where things are going well, is one of the key recommendations. Mentioned a lot more than negging.
The system works!
In all fairness, it might have been nice to have somewhat of a playbook for dating. I kind of learned through trial and error, but just basic stuff like:
- How do you tell if she is only interested as a friend or more than that*
- When should I call her (movies would imply 3+ days)?
- Where should we go on a first date (particularly as a broke high school student)?
- When should I try to kiss her? 2nd base, etc (I grew up in the 80s)
- How frequently should I call?
Just basic logistics stuff.
'* That part can be mysterious, inscrutable, or hard to fathom. Many times I had no idea a girl was interested in me until someone told me. People will often hide their interest not so much to get the other person more interested, but because they don’t want to put themselves out there unless they think their interest will be reciprocated.
Same here, except change “many times” to “every time”.
Another bit of data that may be relevant.
The book “He’s Just Not That Into You” came out around 2004, with a film based on the book released in 2009. For those unfamiliar, it’s a self help booked to help women with dating. It’s based off an episode of Sex And The City where a character tells Miranda a guy “is just not that into you” if he says he can’t up upstairs to your apartment because he has an early meeting.
I’m starting to develop a working theory that all these dating and self help books became popular as Millennials (the youngest born in the early 80s) entered their 20s. Many of them didn’t understand the subtleties of dating and human interaction because they spent so much time online or being over-scheduled by their helicopter parents during their formative years and before online dating became popular.
Which is a shame, because it’s only going to attract people with lots of insecurity and neediness. It’s not the basis for a healthy relationship.
But it does parallel what I think is an element of successful dating - not feeling like the other person is out of your league. When you believe you are worthy and capable of dating them, you can tease your partner, in furtherance of laughter and fun times, as opposed to being so in awe of their presence that you treat them like some rare prize that you must not frighten away.
When I observe attractive couples, I note that neither person treats the other person like they are something as superficial as a number (e.g. these PUA guys fixate on dating a “10”). Instead, in a good relationship, the person is comfortable and at ease. That oftentimes manifests as friendly banter, and when it works can be a very alluring part of the dating experience. It’s what my friend used to describe as “being playful”.
Negging sounds like some perverted version, though, from people who misunderstood the interaction.
“Oh, he teased her, and she laughed. Therefore it’s beneficial to insult hot women.”
No, you incel wanker. He treated her like his best friend, so he gently mocked her the way good friends can. He’d never vocalize her insecurities; he protects them out of respect for her.