Not in the eye!
Have you guys checked out Dmitri the Lover’s website? Freaking genius! the man turned the Canadian dollar around by enlisting an army of sluts to stamp his url on the currency. No, really:
He truly is a prince among men.
I just remembered this one.
When out on a double date, do not, I repeat do not tell me repeatedly how sexy I am in front of your wife and my husband!
That was possibly the most uncomfortable evening I’ve ever experienced.
High School:
Don’t tell me that you think that my having the top 2 buttons undone on my shirt is too distracting for you to carry on a conversation with me. I am cleaning the garage on a summer day. You are a nominal friend of my brother’s. Get lost. (saddest part of that story? I was an A cup all through HS–there was no cleavage, even with my shirt off). He was one nasty guy–he used to aim his telescope into his neighbor’s window. Ugh.
University:
Don’t offer to give me a Boulder handshake. (no clue what it was; never did find out).
Don’t tell my you’re Dick van Dyke’s nephew and then tell me DvD grew up in the Quad cities. I’m not as stupid as I look. :rolleyes:
As we leave the dance floor on our first meeting, don’t feel up my ass on the way up the 2 shallow steps. I am not even sure of your name, Ace.
And my personal favorite: don’t yell at me when I don’t let you into my dorm room and insist “but I bought you dinner!”. There was no second date.
Work:
You are a short, balding married doctor. I am a brand new single nurse. Offering me the keys to your Ferrari in exchange for me having sex with you is not what administration meant by “fostering professional communication.”
When he asked me this, I asked him the color of his car. He said red. I shook my head and said with mock regret, “too bad it isn’t blue.”
Assholes, all. <shudders>
Even Urban Dictionary doesn’t know what it is! It must be sick.
Well who wants a handshake when you can have a handshake?
When you show up at my place and kiss me, your mouth had better not taste like some other guy’s dick.
And yes, it really happened.
To be fair, we were all friends and hanging out, so I knew about the suspension and figured he had piercings, but he did flat-out tell me, “I have all these piercings and my dick isn’t really all that big. Do you want to see it? You know, get that out of the way?” I just don’t know how I resisted such a romantic come-on line.
in which case you wear these
Here’s why we won’t be having sex…Either you’re too shallow, stuck up, or hung up on the material to consider the best lay in the house.
*Your live-in girlfriend *might *have had an affair last year?
**Your partner, my friend, hasn’t touched you in that way for weeks, possibly months?
***My six year-old daughter thinks you’re amazing? She can’t keep her hands off you?
All from the same guy. I took a pass on that.
*Said after a week of me trying really hard not to get what he was hinting at.
**15 seconds later.
***Said both to me and to my father who silently walked away from him (because murder is bad), much to his confusion. The kid had actually given him a hug the first two times she met him, then told me she didn’t like him much. They were never out of my sight.
See, this is why I like being a (cute) girl. If you start talking about weird, disgusting, or TMI things, it’s fine–no one gets freaked out.
Homecooked dinner at my place.
“I didnt tell you I was a vegetarian?”
I used to have my dick pierced. The girls who said “eww!” were almost universally girls I already wasn’t so sure about, and the ones who were curious were really curious. It’s a good way to have the other person take your pants off.
The first date in the coffeeshop is not the time to go into detail about your psychiatric issues.
Tracking down my home and leaving notes under the door as a follow up, is also not endearing.
Don’t you dare to tell me you love me when you can’t be bothered to return my dvd. Don’t tell me I’m sexy when I have to argue with you to get you to use a condom, and you NEVER have any of your own.
Don’t show up on my doorstep at 3 am and plead with me.
You have a tattoo of a hand giving the observer the middle finger. What kind of stupidity inspired that?
You talk to me like I’m a child that needs mentoring, but you seem to think that the type of mentoring I need is in the bedroom. :dubious:
You can’t stop looking at my chest while we’re talking.
I said I was sorry!
Excuse me, but completely dumbass. Look, not that I’m an expert on dating women, but the only answer to that question is “Delicious” or some variation thereof, done with complete sincerity. If her chicken is actually terrible, cook some good chicken for her. Or if you can’t, learn to. Otherwise shut up. You’re not perfect either.
And never, on pain of death, compare your SO/girlfriend/wife to your mother, your grandmother, her mother, or anyone’s mother, except when you say “you are/make chicken/look so much better than <x>”.
IMHO, you can wait for the truth-telling until after your kids are in college. Try to tolerate each other and make a happy life together. That way, neither of you will care that much about the little lies you tell.
I hope you didn’t use the piercing as an excuse why you couldn’t wear a condom. Also, like you said, it’s much better when someone wants to take your pants off, not that you’re offering to drop trou at a moment’s notice just to “get it out of the way.” That seems rather ominous to me. I don’t want seeing your dick for the first time something we have to get out of the way, ya know?
Another anecdote: when I was doing the OKCupid thing, I met a guy for a first date. He told me that he was still living with and sleeping in a bed with his ex-girlfriend, but they weren’t having sex. They were cuddling, though, and it wasn’t an arrangement he was willing to end. Also, he had a kid with a woman in another state, who he saw once or twice a year, but told me he didn’t like the kid as a person. Too wimpy, hated skateboarding, was a mama’s boy. Well, duh, asshole. He sees you twice a year, but he’s supposed to be exactly like you? Yeah, I’ll pass.