Wikkit's A Smartass

The BBQ Pit
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I am. One day while posting to the SDMB I just suddenly decided I should be nicer, post only related stuff, make funny jokes.

It hasn’t really been working, so I think maybe a pit thread where I can be the smartass I really am will help me not be a dumbass elsewhere. Bear with me now.

The Smartass of the Week Awards go to

SkipMagic for this in this thread:

and KneadToKnow who got this one before I could:

Now, on to being an idiot.

As opposed to ice that isn’t frozen?
(Yes, I know what blue ice is WRT airliners.)

No, but we’re making fun of you, and that’s close enough.

(For fucks sake, ‘a ghost touched me on the butt’ is the best the “ghosts are real!” crowd could come up with?)
Darn. I had two other good jokes, but I’m too chicken to post them.
More to be added as it bursts, full grown, from my forehead.

Googling on the mythos brings up a Salon article with an interesting comparison to a souffle.

Bonus rant:

If you make an appointment to meet (with) me at 10:30, be ready at 10:30! I’m working second shift, which means I don’t have to leave for work until 2:15, which means that I can get up at 1:30 in the afternoon if I feel like it. Sometimes I feel like it, since I do my computer geek stuff in the middle of the night when the merkicentric internet is at it’s quickest. What I’m getting at is that getting up at nine so I can be all spiffy and shit and a bit early is pretty damn hard for me, especially since Mountain Dew makes me sick in the morning, so I have to be sans-caffeine. So if you make me wait for fifty minutes before meeting me, I’m not going to be in the best of moods, and that’s not going to help either of us. Add the fact that I felt somewhat self-conscious because I dropped my toothbrush on the floor next to the toilet last night, and the gas station didn’t have any, and you get a mostly harmless me.

To the junk mail manufacturer for whom I work as a temp, to get the student loan people to shut up: I realize that, for various socioeconomic reasons, your workforce is largely short people. So me, someone who is about 6’2" (not that tall), working at any of your dwarven tables is absolutely killing my back. That’s why I’d prefer you assign me one of the jobs where I don’t have to work at the tables. Of course, I’m a temp, so my preference doesn’t mean squat. Speaking of squat, you could at least have a bit of a conscience and let me do something other than stand for eight hours.

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Take it from me. This will get you nowhere.

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Thanks, Trion. I should have known that.

I hit an owl on the way home from work today. A fucking owl.

I work second shift, 3-11PM. I have a negative karma job that I hate, only about two levels above being a telemarketer. I suppose I should be happy that I wasn’t having a good day for the owl to ruin, just a shitty one to get shittier.

Behind humans and the occasional bobcat, predatory birds are the biggest predators around here. Eagles, hawks, falcons, and owls.

I was not two miles from my house, slowing down right before I got to town and a stop sign. I didn’t see the bird until it was too late. I smashed it in the head with my bumper. The guy I give a ride to thought it was a cat, which made me feel bad. I dropped him off at his house, a few blocks from the bird.

I decided to go back and see if it was a cat. It wasn’t; it was an owl like I thought it was. That made me feel even worse. I like cats, I have a cat. I wouldn’t want to hit someone’s pet cat, but there are a lot of strays around. I wouldn’t want to hit them either, but it wouldn’t make me feel totally horrible.

I went back and found this beautiful dying bird. A huge bird with huge talons that gripped at my shoes as I tried to move it off the road. It was going to die. No small animal can take a bumper to the head at 30mph and live, I hope.

I should have killed it. I wanted to kill it, to put it out of it’s misery. I don’t drive around with a gun, and even if I did I was too close to a house for that to be safe. I wasn’t about to beat it to death with my tire iron.

I hope it’s dead by morning. I hope the car in front of me is the one that hit it first. I hope it was dying from something else first. I hope I can stop feeling bad about this someday.

I hit an owl on the way home from work today. A fucking owl.

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Yes

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I’m sorry, because this sounds really cruel, but the image I have of you beating a dying owl with a tire iron is actually quite comical.

I can picture someone driving by, “Jeez, wonder what that owl did to him?!?”

Horrible, I know. I’m probably going to burn in hell for that one.

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:smiley:

You’ve made my day, Wikkit! I think, possibly, this is the first time I’ve ever been mentioned in a BBQ Pit thread.

As for being “nice”…what language is that again? :slight_smile:

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imthjckaz: is that for calling you jackass in one thread?

scout1222: I felt like shit while writing that, and didn’t really want to acknowledge the possibility of humor. But yes, it would be an interesting scene. Fucking owl.

SkipMagic: Yer welcome.
Today sucked too. I worked in the warehouse all day, so it was hot. I wasn’t rushed, though, and I was able to move around, so it wasn’t nearly as bad as some days have been.

Once again proving that most bullshit happens near the home (or is that accidents?) I got pulled over not 2 miles from my house for not having my rear plate on. My car has some odd non-standard plate bolt holes, and I haven’t found any bolts for it yet. Got away with a warning, thankfully.

That is one of the downsides of working second shift. There’s a lot less traffic after 11 in small town Iowa, so the cops take every chance to fuck with you. They get bored, I suppose.

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whoops sorry, I wasn’t picking at you or anyone, I just got lucky actually, sorry

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ok after rereading it nevermind :smiley: Ignore me and I am going back to sleep

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I wasn’t sure how much time I’d have for my acceptance speech, so I prepared two versions, one long and one short.

“Thank you!”

What’s that? I still have more time? Okay then, here’s my long speech:

“Thank you very much!”

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Well, yes and no.
Yes, because you did.
And no because you did in way as to try to bait me into a response, thus extending a thread that you had sarcastically said "I’m glad you’re authorizing us to let the thread die, jackass.
No stupidass could be so wiley.

Thus: Wikkit’s A Smartass.

Yes.

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Yeah, sorry about that, that was before the nicer phase. If there’s ever a Minneapolis/St. Paul dope gathering, I’ll buy you a beer or whatever.

What does imthjckaz mean?
Now, the daily rant:

Lisa Kudrow, please stop being you. In Friends and Mad About You, you played a ditzy blonde, a role you apparently want to be typecast into, or perhaps actually are. Now there’s a commercial on TV for some typle of bottled water, and you just do the voice part. The commercial goes on about how the water has nothing in it, something like “…no fruit, no fizz, no little umbrellas… no bananas…”. Bananas are fruit, you annoying twit, and you’re just repeating yourself.
Pretty weak peeve, eh?

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Yeah, sorry about that, that was before the nicer phase. If there’s ever a Minneapolis/St. Paul dope gathering, I’ll buy you a beer or whatever.

What does imthjckaz mean?
Now, the daily rant:

Lisa Kudrow, please stop being you. In Friends and Mad About You, you played a ditzy blonde, a role you apparently want to be typecast into, or perhaps actually are. Now there’s a commercial on TV for some typle of bottled water, and you just do the voice part. The commercial goes on about how the water has nothing in it, something like “…no fruit, no fizz, no little umbrellas… no bananas…”. Bananas are fruit, you annoying twit, and you’re just repeating yourself.
Pretty weak peeve, eh?

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Yes, but since you double-posted it your peeve has a bit more strength than you orginally planned. Very smooth, sneaking it in there twice. Just when we thought we could safely shrug it off, you throw it in there again and, wham!, we have to pay attention now.

Kudrows to you! :slight_smile:

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It’s my thread and I can not be a smartass if I want to. I’m starting to regret the title choice.

Today’s Spectacular DNA ObRef Award goes to featherlou for this gem while replying to a message by Janx:

And, while I’m on about DNA, you should all go and buy The Salmon of Doubt, a collection of Adams’ writings, published and not. Some good bits about life, evolution, atheism, computers, etc, as well as the regular DNA goodness.

Now, pasting in some of the post I was going to post last Friday, but didn’t because the board was all wonky:

SkipMagic, you should post more. You make people like me look bad.

Today I narrowly missed hitting two skunks on the way home, and the night before, I saw some bats. I think the guy that I’ve been giving a ride to is cursed; I never saw any wildlife on my commute until this week with him. The count so far: a deer, a now-dead owl, bats, bugs galore (splat on the windshield… “Won’t have the guts to do that again!”… “I know the last thing that went through it’s mind… the windshield!”), skunks, cats, and something with eyes glowing green.
Since then I’ve seen a few racoons, both dead and alive. I also now know that the job is actually giving me hives and can make me sick, depending on what I’m doing, so I’m going to have to find a new job or convince them to let me stay at the west plant.

The west plant is good because it has better AC, is cleaner, quieter, and cuter. I got an e-mail address, yay! I just wish I was where I am now five years ago, when it would have been more useful. No, you’re not supposed to understand that.

I lit some fireworks tonight.

Does the average person realize that most fireworks, both 1.3 (the type you see in big shows) and 1.4 (the type you shoot in your backyard) are made in China? Does anyo – I just picked a fly up off the keyboard and put it in a convenient empty rootbeer bottle – ne else think it’s odd that we celebrate our independance by supporting the country that may be the next big competitor with the U.S.? Some specialty stuff is made in Italy, all the perfectly timed and absurdly expensive stuff comes from Germany, and the odd new stuff is American, but most if not all of your average show is completely Chinese. I suppose they are credited with inventing blackpowder, but it’s the cheap labor that keeps the industry there, not progress in the field.

Is that not a spectacularly odd aside?

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imthjckaz