Will my brother turn out okay?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My dad lives several hours away, and because of my work schedule, I see him maybe 2-4 times a year. My biological brother, as well as two half brothers live with my dad and stepmom. Recently I went to visit them with my girlfriend for Thanksgiving.

I guess because this was the first time she met them, she brought to my attention several concerning issues regarding my youngest brother. Both half brothers didn’t start talking until they were aroudn 2 or 3. The older of the two is seven now, really outgoing, talkative and energetic- pretty much a typical 7 year old with the exception of a speech impediment that makes it difficult to understand him sometimes. The younger one (5), however, hardly talks at all. He also still sleeps with my stepmom and drinks from a bottle. Both my girlfriend and I agree, this is pretty strange. They also spend quite a lot of unsupervised time in front of the television.

I have a hard time passing judgement against my parents because I’m seeing such a small slice of their life (and usually during holidays). So just because I see my brothers conk out in front of the TV one night does not mean I’m going to assume they do that every night. Still, I am a little concerned about my youngest brother.

A lot of times when people discuss things like this (still drinks from a bottle/still sleeps in mom’s bed) they joke/imply that the child will grow up being socially inept or a serial killer. What bugs me about it is that I know he’s at an age where he should be sleeping in his own bed, and drinking out of cups, etc. but I have no idea his current habits will work against him because frankly I never met/knew anyone who had similar experiences when they were young. People tend to assume a lot in these situations. I’m worried about my brothers, and really hope they turn out just fine.

2

If you watch shows like Nanny 911, you see this kind of thing all the time. If your dad and stepmom are worried, they could get a copy of the Nanny 911 book. I wouldn’t recommend getting it for them as a gift, though- they could definitely take it as criticism of their parenting skills.

Why is your youngest brother drinking out of a bottle? I’ve considered going back to sippy cups, because I like to have a glass of water on my nightstand, but the cats sometimes drink out of it and knock it over. Maybe it’s something as simple as that.

3

Based on the findings of a study that was recently reported in the London Times, you might very well have cause for concern about your brother’s development. [

](The Times & The Sunday Times: breaking news & today's latest headlines) What, if anything, you can do about it, I wouldn’t begin to say. You’d be stepping into a rather large sticky wicket with that one. Best of luck – I hope everything does turn out ok!

4

You should at least be worried about the five year old’s dental health. Google “baby bottle tooth decay” for more information. I, personally, am disagreeable to any kind of “family bed”, but lots of people do that. My nephew slept with my (single) sister until he was maybe six or seven and, other than the fact that he refused to sleep by himself (which I do think is a bad thing) for a while, I think he turned out okay. I wonder why your stepmom (and my sister) doesn’t value her own time more, to want to be with her child even while she’s sleeping, but that’s not my (or your) concern. Shayna covered the TV thing.

The bottle definitely needs to go, though. Like, four years ago.

5

The bottle should go. Surely he doesn’t use it all the time, does he? I mean, when I was a kid, every once in a while I’d steal the pacifiers off of baby dolls people had given me and suck on them for a little while but that got old really quick.

I was the youngest, the baby, and slept with my parents until I was eight years old. I don’t think I’d do that with kids of my own, but I don’t see anything wrong with it. I just like my space. (That’s why I can’t see myself ever having kids, as much as love them)
-Lil

6

The situation is really complicated. My dad retired early due to disability. He spends most of his time laying on the couch watching TV in the living room. He can walk and stuff but since his back surgery and broken leg (all of which happened in the same year) he doesn’t get around much anymore. My stepmom works as an RN, and thus has pretty crazy work hours. The times I’ve visited when she was working mainly consisted of her at work, cooking dinner, giving kids baths, putting them to bed/etc and sleeping. She has it pretty busy.

My step-grandparents help out watching the kids; they have foster kids of similar ages so there are definitely plenty of kids to hang out with/interact with (for a time I had wondered if the speech thing was simply because they almost never interacted with kids their own age). During the summer my half brothers do spend a lot of time outdoors playing actively so its not like they are total couch potatoes.

The correlation between TV watching and autism is interesting, though. Just gotta work up the nerve to mention this stuff to my parents in the most polite and nonthreatening way possible (wish me luck with that :rolleyes: )

7

Of the four issues you bring up, I’d be concerned in this order: TV viewing, speech delay, bottle use, co-sleeping.

The bottle use and the TV viewing might be reinforcing the speech delay (especially if he hangs the bottle from his teeth and doesn’t “wake up” when you’re trying to talk to him because he’s engrossed in the TV. Also, studies show that children do NOT learn good verbal skills from watching television - they rarely get to practice word formation or conversational rhythms; they need to learn to talk in person, not through media.), the TV viewing may be reinforcing the bottle use (if he’s mindlessly sucking as he zones out).

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no television at all under 2 years, and only one to two hours per day of carefully screened viewing after that. This time includes any tapes or DVDs. I will admit I don’t always meet this guideline, but I try very hard to, and I emphasize to my kids that “vegging out” is a once in a while thing.

At 5, he needs to be checked out by a speech-language pathologist. Chances are good that there’s nothing wrong, and he’s just a quiet little guy. But none of us can tell over the internet (and most of us aren’t qualified to tell in person.)

The bottle may not be a problem. If it was going to give him bottle mouth, it would have by now. Pacifiers, bottles and thumb sucking don’t cause oral misalignment the way they thought when we were a kid. His dentist is the one to check with. Socially, it could harm him, but I’m generally in favor of letting kids sort out such things for themselves. He may decide soon that a bottle doesn’t get him the reaction he wants in school, and should be reserved for home. Or not. But it’s mostly up to him. If you (or his parents) try to take it away and he needs it, that could be a huge trust issue. He can be encouraged, I might make a “yuck” face when I first see the bottle and then let it go. But it’s best, at this stage, if giving up the bottle is his decision. OR, if his cool older brother brings him a sweet sports bottle for Christmas, he might want to drink out of that instead. :wink: (WhyBaby is still on her bottle at call-it-18 months, but only for milk. Water she’ll drink out of a sippy cup or with a straw, but she’s convinced milk belongs in a bottle. I’m pretty OK with that - she drinks from a cup in public and a bottle twice a day at home. There are worse issues we could have.)

Sleeping with Mom? Only a problem if Mom (or dad, or the other brother) has a problem with it. She might relish the snuggle-bunny time after her long, stressful day. Co-sleeping is not “weird” anymore, especially in California!

How to bring this all up? I dunno. Do you know a speech path major who could evaluate him as a favor? Maybe you could tell your folks your friend needs some kids to work up for a project and volunteer your brother(s). The sports bottle may take care of the bottle issue. The TV one is hard - any criticism is going to sound like a criticism of your dad’s viewing patterns.

I commend you for being an attentive and caring brother, though.

8

Get help for your brothers, even if the only way to do it is by making a call to child protective services. I knew a woman who breastfed her son until he was six and let him use a bottle until he was ten. He slept in her bed every night, right up to when he was 14 and was taken away and tried and convicted of raping and murdering an 8-year-old who lived on their street. I knew this mother was dipshit strange and I mulled over reporting her to protective services, and I didn’t because I thought it was none of my business and i didn’t want to be a busybody. I wish I had reported her; that 8-year-old might still be alive. Get help for your brothers now. Don’t put it off until you’re married and have kids and find out that your sibs are molesting them.

9

Sorry, Sonia, but that sounds like an overreaction to me. I don’t think any of the things Incubus mentioned are ideal, but I don’t think any of them is “have the children taken away from their parents or they’ll kill someone” bad.

My only comment is regarding the speech delay; kids with older siblings are often delayed in speech, simply because the older sibling lets them get away with it by acting like their interface with the world. Unless he can’t speak yet, I wouldn’t worry too much about that one. If he can speak okay in complete sentences but just doesn’t, it sounds more like he’s quiet than developmentally-delayed.

Has he hit other five-year-old milestones, and is just coming up short on these ones, or is he having all kinds of delays? From this site:

10

Social worker agencies don’t take kids away uless there is extreme cause. I agree with you, featherlou, that extreme cause probaby doesn’t exist here. However, social workers can arrange for parenting classes, speech therapy, and socialzation therapy, all of which seem indicated here. I should have been clearer that what I saw as appropriate for this family is intervention and therapy, not taking the children away.