Hampshire, I used to pull that shit and I realize how annoying it is. What she needs to do, and what I do, is go directly to him (you) and say, look, you may not realize it, but this thing you said/did really hurts my feelings and here’s why.
This is why I scoff when pople talk about true love, btw. True love is so much hard work and understanding the other person and learning that even if you don’t like to do a particular thing or need to, they might and sometimes you have to compromise.
I don’t do it either, but why don’t you take a different approach…
“We need to talk about that.”
“OK, what do you want to talk about”
“I think we should talk about your feelings.”
“OK. When you got mad at me for going out without telling you I felt hurt because I was sure I had told you and it wasn’t important enough for you to remember. I was angry because your plans seemed more important than my plans. And I felt sad because I’d obviously screwed up your plans and they were important to you and I care about you. Now, how did you feel?”
Repeat as needed.
What can it hurt to give her what she wants? Its probably easier than starting an argument because you can’t say “I was mad because you seemed to think your thing was more important than my thing.”
If it goes on too long say “I’m beginning to get angry because at some level my feelings are my own business and continuing this discussion feels disrespectful to my feelings.”
(What is it with guys that they just don’t give you what you want when you come right out and ask for it - and all you are asking for is “why did you yell at me? - and why did I yell back?” Yeah, this is basic stupid psychobabble - but its basic for a reason. You’ve been married for HOW LONG? - obviously a different approach is required by at least one of you - and you don’t get to control HER approach. 'Cause “we need to talk about it” “no we don’t” seems to have reached the level of playground communication of “your feet stink” “No, yours do.”)
Not being a big talker about my feelings, I don’t know exactly what her purposes are, but I read that dialogue and know that he’s essentially telling her to fuck off out of his face.
“We need to talk” followed by the equivalent of “We DON’T need to” is bullshit. One of the two obviously needs to, and his hostile reaction makes her believe that the original argument was not actually settled.
As for someone saying that you can’t start a conversation with “We need to talk,” well, I don’t use the phrase because it sounds awfully portentous. But I do use phrases like “I’d like to talk about…” What else is there?
Please tell me what is a good way. I’m not being sarcastic. I don’t like the phrase either, but sometimes, you really do need to talk. I meant to start a thread on this, actually. What’s a good alternative that won’t make you feel attacked - I’ve found various methods, but I’ll take any new suggestions.
My wife is fortunately not generally prone to this. But when it happens, I assume this translates to “but I feel it is not over because I am waiting for you to say something, but I won’t tell you what it is I am hoping you will say because I want you to say it because you want to say it and not because you know that I want you to say it because I told you to say it”.
(Yes, this is how I imagine the tangled mental skein goes.)
The best response it to pretend you forgot about the whole incident, and make her replay it as she saw it. “What was this about again? … You said… and then I said…?” She will probably recount events up until some critical (to her) point, and then stop and wait expectantly. Hopefully it will be clear then what she is or was waiting for. If not, turn the tables on her and say something like “So tell me, how did that make YOU feel?”
In the few instances I’ve initiated a discussion about something I didn’t like or wasn’t sure of, I usually just went directly into what was bothering me.
“Hey, I’m not sure I understand what happened there. I need your take on it.”
The answer usually gives two different avenues.
“I misunderstood. OK.”
“I don’t like what you did or said.”
Mrs. Garrett has given me about a hundred 1s and one 2.
Please don’t take this as a defense of that sort of game playing, because it isn’t.
But when I read a thread like this, where all the men are laughing and sneering and talking about how if they just say the magic words their bitches of wives will go away and shut up (which is how lots of the comments read), then I can understand if someone doesn’t want just to be placated with some “Oh, you are so right, honey, and I am so so so wrong” nonsense.
Some people want to be right. Some people want to be understood. These two things aren’t equivalent.
Right…because you’re all uniques snowflakes. Just like everyone else.
It seems so obvious that I feel embarassed about bringing it up, but have any of you tried a smack accross the mouth with your pimp hand, followed up with a “shut up bitch and git me my beer”? I’m just saying.
I was going to answer your first comment but the second one made me burst out loud laughing so I’ll just walk away, laughing as I go.
Well I would, but I don’t drink.
I think that what people are getting at is that there is value in the way that men communicate as well. In other words, we are seeing a bit of a push back against the way that communication itself has been hijacked (generally speaking) by the female model.
The fact is that men have every bit as complex emotions as there estrogen poisoned counterparts.
Never happens with us. Been together 10 years. Sorry, but it’s not universal.
Of course, I used to have girlfriends like that. I never would have married one. Marrying the right person’s kind of the key decision point.
I rarely see women claiming that men don’t have emotions or complex emotions.
I much more often see men claiming that things don’t bother them, right up until the time they blow up about it.
But I’ve seen women do that too. Lord knows I do it myself.
Doesn’t work. Her response is: “Well if it was wrong, why did you do it?”
My answer: “I guess I didn’t think about it.”
Her response: “My feelings aren’t important enough to warrant a little thought?”
…and so on.
A quick apology will never end such an exchange, no matter how heartfelt.
Really? Because that seem to be the message that was pounded into my head growing up and the message the seems to be the given culturally. Perhaps the fact that I was raised in the middle of the second wave of feminism is showing.
I feel like this is just one of those married men rites of passage. I think I already saw this whole thing played out on Everybody Loves Raymond or The Man Show. Wah wah wah women always want to know about your feelings, women don’t understand your need to watch sports with your buddies, you hate your mother-in-law, men have one hand on a beer one hand on the remote, women have one hand on the credit card one hand on her cell phone.
Maybe its just because I’m not personally friends with any annoying bitches but in my experience this is not how it works anymore if it ever did. Its more fun to complain than anything. Thats why I liked living in chicago. So I could tell people back home in the south YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW FROM COLD. But yeah as a woman I’m gonna put another vote in for “please don’t tell me your feelings and PLEASE go have poker night with the guys. I love you but sometimes I need you to get the fuck away from me for a minute”
Except that this whole thread started because some dude’s wife wanted to talk about his feelings and he didn’t want to. In what way, then, is she claiming that he doesn’t have feelings?
Like I said, I’ve known a lot of men who deny having specific sorts of feelings. “I’m a guy. I don’t care about X” is a paraphrase. And sometimes it’s true and sometimes it’s not.
I’m okay with someone telling me their feelings, but yeah, go to poker night, dammit! Go! Go!
I’ve been married for two years, and if my wife pulled that kinda shit ever I’d be in the market to buy an industrial-sized meat grinder. That’s no good coming from anyone, least of all someone who’s supposed to care about you.
I think that answers your question, Dinsdale.
That might be because you didn’t actually deal with it. Your wife’s not stupid. I’m sure she can tell the difference between “OK, OK, I don’t want to deal with it anymore, so you’re right, or whatever you want” and true contrition. Maybe it’s not even contrition that she wants–maybe she just wants you to take a serious look at whatever’s bothering her, rather than whimpering and begging forgiveness. Like someone said in another recent thread, “That’s the kind of relationship I have with my dog, not my SO.” Maybe she’ll accept wimpering and begging from her dog, but I think she expects more from her husband, being part of the same intelligent species as she. IANA marriage counselor, but it sounds like you and her see these little spats in two completely different ways. I think if you spent some time really dealing with that, maybe you could save a lot of time, irritation and hurt feelings all around later.
I think the worst part about this whole thing is the difference in how you two view it. I mean, you honestly believe that it’s over and you’ve dealt with it, whereas she (I’m guessing) really thinks that you’ve dodged it.