Well, another Monday … and for once, I didn’t find an explody can of soda in the breakroom freezer. Yay, co-worker! But … did you have to go and burn some popcorn instead? Could you perhaps do neither next time? kthxbye
(Gawd, it stinks in here. I have to sit here for another hour! whine )
NO FUCKING KIDDING! Also add in gradually evolving microwaves. I used to pop at 1:23 with good results; lately I noticed I was getting half as much popcorn out of it. I tried 1:30: charcoal. At the moment 1:25 seems to be working (two seconds. Two seconds!), but lord help me when the next phase of the moon happens, or something; it’ll probably burst into flames and burn my apartment down.
Seriously though, this is damned stupid.
Microwave popcorn is the distilled essence of evil. It knows what you want and it knows you’re not going to get it.
[Michael Palin as the Spanish Inquisitor]
“Bring forth… the Microwave Popcorn!”
[/MPatSI]
So I was cleaning out the spam folder while I had a snack:
BIG fl3shy L41bia t33ns 40r y0u!
mmm bacon.
Well, I did once, but that was one of those “for parts only, yeah it technically runs (kinda) but no way in hell will it ever pass inspection” sales.
Routers on one’s car. I’ve heard of being addicted to the Internet, but wow… 
I’d also like to pit my death pool candidates. Come on, you ingrates, it’s October!
Oh yeah, and I’d like to re-Pit the OP here for mispunctuating their title. Winter is. Winter**'s**. Fucking apostrophe, you imbecile.
So why avoid them completely? I don’t get these gimmick diets. If it’s that hard for you to not eat carbs, why not just… eat carbs, but less of them, mixed in with other healthful things?
It’s not like carbs are cigarettes.
This is why I’m proud of my high school, where I could cheer for the Popes or–even better–the Lady Popes.
I bet you I could, as could most other people. Mashed cauliflower is tasty, but it doesn’t taste the same as mashed potatoes.
Is it really the end of the world to have a handful of kernels not pop? Do you really get to the bottom of the *huge fucking bowl *of popcorn and think, “Man, that was really unsatisfying–if only I’d had another handful”?
Who the fuck makes shots straight into cups, anyway? We always used those little metal brew pitchers.
I hear you can get those with a build-in Sorny TV. Wait, or was it Magnetbox?
A few years back, I heard someone talking about a firewall in a car they were working on, and my brain actually went through something like the following process: “Why would a car need a firewall? Those computers are pretty specialized, and they’re not networked to anything els–OH MY GOD I’M A FUCKING RETARD.”
I am so sick of hearing Justin Bieber’s breathy rendition of Happy Birthday for the cancer commercials. I don’t believe the rest of the country are tweenage girls that enjoy listening to him, so why did you have to use him and play his commercial so much? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he could actually sing instead of that breathy thing he does that sounds like he’s awaiting a lung transplant or something.
Hey, don’t forget the gay ephebophiles.
I use those overpriced 100cal bags. A handful of kernels is all there is - and literally half were not popping.
Fucking microwave popcorn. Proof positive that carbs are not only bad for you, they are maliciously evil and want you to die.
But…but I love them. 
Classic abuse case.
Have you tried the method you’re actually, y’know, supposed to use? I.e., set it for a time slightly longer than it should go for, then sit there and actually listen to the pops and stop the 'wave when they get up to ~2 seconds between pops?
If that *still *isn’t working, I strongly suggest you find a less shitty brand of microwave popcorn.
NO! Just … omg * skull explodes *
Today’s fun and exciting Afternoon Office Game: time to play … <announcer voice> What’s That Smell?
Step right up, folks, anyone can take a turn. All you have to do is walk into the break room, sniff, and say “What’s that smell?” For an immediate bonus round option, offer your guess! Today’s contestants include: mildew applause bleach applause old soup applause and a special mystery guest! </announcer voice>
Agreed. The local store brand looks tempting based on price point, but I know from repeated bad experience that only about half the kernels will pop. So I don’t waste my money on it anymore.
I’d *really *like to go home now.
Perhaps you aren’t aware that not everyone who is trying to avoid carbs is on some kind of “gimmick diet”. A lot are diabetics trying to avoid that pesky blood sugar spike that often comes with eating carbs.
Do you get a blood sugar spike from eating an amount of carbs versus eating an equivalent amount of calories in another form? (Genuine question here, no snark.) And would these spikes be caused by having occasional sensible amounts of carbohydrates?
I buy Orville Reddinbahoweveryouspellit. It’s the least shitty brand my stores sell. And if I wait until there actually is a discernible two-second pause between pops, I get charcoal. Perhaps you missed the part where the interval between “rare” and “well done” is eight seconds?
Though, I will freely admit that maybe my microwave is shit; I never had this kind of problem with my last microwave. But either way something is plotting against me with evil intent and I feel fully justified in mini-pitting the satanic thing.
What matters most AFAIK is the type of carb. Simple carbs will be absorbed much more quickly than complex carbs. I can’t think of an example off hand. There’s also the fact that even sources of complex carbs will probably have some simple carbs.
IDK to what extent fat and protein are converted to carbs - if they ever are. If they are metabolized differently then they should never affect blood glucose levels.