Winter's a-coming! Season of Death Mini-Rants

Look guys, storage is pretty damn cheap these days. Yes, I know that you can’t store my e-mail on your servers forever, but the 30MB limit is pretty fucking ridiculous, what with all the files, pdf’s and photos that have pretty much become the way we do business around here. Do you think you can bump it up to a reasonable amount so I don’t have to clean out my mailbox several times a week? Because it’s getting pretty fucking tedious to work here.

Oh, and a network drive that is available only 95% of the time is useless. The only thing worse than not having access to the drive to open a file is not having access to save the changes that I spent the last fucking hour working on. Bonus fuck you points if the program crashes before it allows me to save the file locally.

Finally, to the heavy equipment operators across the street - turn off the fucking back-up warning beepers, it’s driving me insane. If your drivers can’t see the person they are about to run over, and vice versa, that person deserves to be flattened.

I know I live on a busy highway, and I really don’t mind the traffic, or even most of the noise - you get accustomed to it, really. But Attention Truckers: This is coastal Georgia, for pity’s sake. You’ve changed area codes 5 times since you last saw a hill. The 45 mph zone started over a mile before you pulled past my house. WTF must you apply your Jake brakes about 20 feet away from my house? (I could be wrong, but it’s my understanding that Georgia law bans the use of engine brakes in residential areas, anyway. Even if I am wrong, though, there’s no earthly reason you should be using those suckers on that particular stretch of road. If you can’t figure out how to drive your damned rig, park it and let someone else haul that load.)

Chimera, when you’re World Emperor, could you do a little something about these morons?

Also? The city recently tore down the old fire station across the street from my house, to be replaced by a spiffy new building. No problems there, but good grief if that’s not gonna be the most over-engineered foundation ever on the new station! I’m not exaggerating when I say that the foundation has been under construction 6 days per week for the past 7 weeks. Back-up beepers, slamming tailgates on dump trucks, heavy equipment noise, and all - Monday through Saturday since the beginning of August. Stop it. Just. Stop.

(Can you tell that I work nights? Are my dark undereye circles showing?)

Milder:
Dear Boss,
If you’re gonna install a new keyboard on my computer? Don’t. I know that the “N” has worn off of the old keyboard, but it’s okay. I know where the “N” button is anyway. At least on my old keyboard. I can’t type worth a damn on this @#$%ing new keyboard, because the spacing is off my a tiny bit. And I keep hitting the caps lock button instead of the shift key. Highly annoying.

And far less mild:
Dear Fuckers from the Insurance Company,
If my premiums are a few days late arriving, I don’t have any insurance. So how come you assholes are allowed to spend 8 weeks cutting me a check? We’ve paid our goddamned premiums for this coverage. We’ve filled out all the stupid paperwork, submitted all of the detailed bills, and jumped through all of your hoops. Now that you’ve approved our claim, what gives you the fucking right to make us wait (literally) 8 weeks for the check to arrive? I hope that the committee that approves your corporate policies develops a highly contagious case of something really itchy. And chronic.

Dude, look, I know you think doing all of the plumbing in your new house is going to be easy. Please, listen to me, you don’t understand how water and air work with each other. Don’t tell me you aren’t going to vent your drains, you’re going to skip the whole p-trap thing, and that you’re going to run 1 inch pipe between the half-inch shower valve and your half-inch shower head to “increase pressure.”

Oh, and don’t tell me you’re also going to fix your broken radio tonight, and that’s why you need some zinc chloride flux. You are stupid, you need to go die already.

Sounds like time to grab some popcorn and a lawn chair and wait for the fireworks! I can’t wait to hear how this one works out…

Are you familiar with the works of “Bloody Stupid” Johnson?

I seriously hope the baby isn’t fucking, because that’s a very nasty thing to do to a baby.

TPTB have decided that, instead of doing What Most Companies In The World Do re. SAP accesses, they will work on a “need to do” basis. This means they’ve taken away stuff the people in my team very much need. The boss opened a ticket on the Process Design system. We got sent to the Security system. The Security folks have just sent us back to Process Design. Is there a prettier way of saying “the bigger the corporation, the stupider you can be before getting fired”?

Seriously? He’s not going to use any p-traps? I hope this idjit doesn’t have any family that will be living in that house, especially children.

Can we include the idiots in my city in with these people, too? The ones who have no idea what the speed limit is anywhere, so they drive 40 kph EVERYWHERE? (The speed limit is 50 kph unless posted otherwise, and 30 kph in school and playground zones - I strongly suspect that these idiots have no idea what a speed limit sign looks like).

You want to hear something funny? I don’t have a swipe card at my new temp job yet (and I may never get one, since I’m only supposed to be there one day a week), so when I tried to get out of the building yesterday, I hit the big green EXIT button beside the door, which, in the rest of the world, allows you to go out of the passcard-locked door. At this facility, which no one bothered to tell me, the big green EXIT button makes alarms go off and lights start flashing. Hey, that’s new! You have to swipe to get in AND out! Keen! Come to think of it, I might have to ask for a card, because not being able to get out of the building by the nearest exit isn’t cool.

WINTER?? Winter?? Can we please have a fall rants thread first. No reason to hurry winter along, no reason at ALL.

/endrant

I’ll be off enjoying (through a sealed window sadly) the record breaking temperatures in Toronto today. I do believe it’s patio for lunch day.

Hey Moe, no wonder the water don’t woik! The pipes are plugged up with wires!

I’ve got one even better: my company will not allow storage of email archives on the server…we’re supposed to store them on the computer’s hard drive. The server is backed up; individual computer hard drives are not. Somehow, they don’t see this as a problem.

(By “server”, I mean the place where all business files are stored…not the email server itself. I think they’re separate.)

I have an eyelash in my eye. As in, I can see the damn thing floating around on my cornea. No way to get at it, though. Does anyone have a teeny-tiny Hoover I can borrow, please? This thing is driving me up the wall.

Dry tissue corner, or clean, dry fingertip?

Congrats and mazel tov and whatnot! (For real, even though this is the Pit.)

My sister is expecting, too, and I am sick to goddamn death of hearing about it: About how she can’t get comfortable enough to sleep, but yet she gets 9 hours of sleep a night and it just isn’t enough for a PREGNANT lady. About how she really needs to be careful about what she eats because she has gestational diabetes, but by God she is a PREGNANT! lady so she should be able to eat whatever she wants for once with nobody judging her. About how none of her clothes fit, and it isn’t it just terrible how maternity clothes make PREGNANT!! women look so PREGNANT??? About how her husband doesn’t understand why she’s changed the color of the walls in the nursery three times already even though she hasn’t picked out furniture or decor or anything, and doesn’t he understand about how IMPORTANT nesting is to a woman who is PREGNANT??? About how she has all these ideas about how to raise a child and be a parent and exactly what kind of mother she is going to be and what her daughter is going to look like and be like and act like, and anybody who dares to question anything or even make an innocuous comment like “It is 90° outside today” is being unkind and unfair and downright inhumane to a PREGNANT!!! PERSON!!!

It’s really shameful, the way she carries on.

Poke it with your finger. I get lashes in my eye all the time.

Granted, I suppose if you don’t wear contact lenses touching your eye might squick you out. :stuck_out_tongue:

Listen twit.

We have contracts with our vendors that pretty much say that unless smoke is coming out of something, we don’t touch their computers.

No, I will not go ahead and look at it because I’m already here because you lied to the help desk and told them it was one of ours.

Getting pissy because I tell you you’re going to have to call the vendor is only amusing me.

It’s amusing me because I can tell with a glance that it’s a trojan you downloaded from Facebook. Which tells me…

The vendor will charge your department several hundred dollars to fix it.

Your manager will get a report detailing the problem.

You will probably be written up. Again.

And finally, all my coworkers will laugh and share my glee at your misfortune when I tell them about it. They despise you too.

The downsides of being a self-centered entitled bitch are a complete lack of sympathy and no favors. I’m not sure what you think the upsides are, and frankly, I don’t give a damn.

Stink bugs. I hate 'em. And they’re performing their annual invasion of my home. Dirty grey-brown triangles of buzzing bugs, crawling on my walls. Grrrrrr. And you can’t squish 'em, because if you do their stink pervades the entire floor and it catches acrid in the back of your throat and I hate them, HATE THEM, HATE THEM.

I vacuumed up over a dozen on Wednesday. And there’s at least 4 more today.

lol

I hate people like that, too.

Send her this video if you dare.

lol

There’s a subset of pregnant women who are even more annoying. “Oh yes I’m pregnant. I’m 43 and it happened the first time I tried, tee hee hee! Don’t I have like the most awesome uterus and ovaries ever!!! Oh and I just had the amnio and it was completely healthy and aren’t just the most amazing human being on the face of the earth.”

The universe does not give a damn very much if you’re pregnant. The neighbors, the mail lady, the guy behind the counter at the diner, the bus driver and even most of your friends and relatives don’t really care. I try to remember this as much as possible and keep my commentary to the people who really do like my mom and my husband.

Hey, stupid cunt so preoccupied with the stupid goddamn baby in your arms that you step into the street without looking: I missed you on my bicycle but I hope you get hit by a car!

Hey, geriatric fucker at work: you’re wearing so much goddamn horrid perfume I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take much more than the sun and a magnifying glass to set you on fire. Let’s try it!

Hey, copier machine at work: if the plastic fumes wouldn’t be destructive to my lungs I’d set you on fire as well, fucker. I have never seen any office anywhere print something on 8.5x13 paper. This is probably because I have never seen a piece of 8.5x13 paper, so stop fucking asking me for it.

Hey, self-absorbed asswipe at Subway: either you take a break from your phone call, or you step aside to let people go in front of you. You do not get to stand there at the front of the line yakking away and ignore the guy behind the counter and then get all outraged when he helps me instead of you. I hope your phone gives you brain cancer.

I am very, very glad it’s Friday.

Thank you on behalf of the universe.