Of course you know the saying “What, are you deaf?”
The best response is “What?”
One time it took me three times to catch on, I felt silly.
If you wanted to be really mean, you could respond (to someone who didn’t know you), in a slightly odd voice “Yes.”
I work at a university library circulation desk. I have many occasions to excercise restraint. Among the things that I commonly refrain from saying to people who have said something stupid:
“So, you’re an Education major?”
“So, you’re a nursing major?”
“Maybe this will help: singing A B C D E F G…”
“When we turned off the lights five minutes ago, what did you think we we having a suprise party?”
“The library is not responsible for the inadequacies of your high school education.”
“Yes, your tuition dollars pay my salary. And my tax dollars paid for your high school education. It appears we both got gyped.”
“Please direct these questions this question to someone who gets paid more than I do.”
“Yes, the old-fashioned card catalogs are pined for by an untold number morons who never had to maintain one.”
“I take it you’re not into reading signs.”
“Yes, sir, Big Brother is everywhere and you apparently owe him $0.25.”
The last time I got pulled over, the pig came up to my window and asked the universal stupid pig question: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
I wanted so bad to say:
“No, I don’t know officer Jozhochowwski, the little red needle on my speedometer stops at 120.”
I managed to avoid getting Rodney Kinged by keeping my trap shut.
And of course, everytime my mother would say “Do you want a spanking?” I managed to live past the age of 10 by NOT replying “Yeah, could you do that for me ma? I’m a 10-year-old sado-masochist.” And yeah, I did know what that word meant when I was 10.
Another favorite was in 8th grade was when my Literature teacher would say “Are you trying to make a fool out of me?” I wanted to say “Now that’s unlikely. You do a great job all by yourself.” But I didn’t so I was able to go on to being a freshman on schedule.
“And on the eighth day, God Created beer
to prevent the Irish from taking over
the Earth.”
~SNOOGANS~
I’ve probably held back a few thousand sarcastic comments over the years. I don’t recall them offhand, though; I didn’t actually say them, and therefore don’t get credit for them.
Every so often, however, I am possessed by Satan (my usual excuse for doing anything incredibly stupid, like buying a half-side of beef, as opposed to merely ordinarily stupid), and fail to suppress my innate wit. The following, my name as my word, actually happened.
In 1992, I was discussing the presidential candidates “debates” with a secretary at the company where I was working at at the time. Since my political viewpoint was widely known to be somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun’s (I’ve since mellowed, and I’m now only to the right of Genghis Khan), she said, archly, “I suppose you’re a Bush man?”
I shot back, “No, I’m a leg man.”
I’ve often wished that I’d had a camera.