Wise-ass responses I'm glad I didn't use

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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I’ve noticed that there are quite a few wiseacres with quick wits and sharp tongues on this board (as who wouldn’t?). I have therefore decided to start a thread devoted to those wise-ass responses that would have caused a lot of trouble had they actually been uttered. Have you had bottled up inside you a great line that would have just been devastatingly inappropriate to actually use? Is it inside you, screaming for release even as we speak? Wait no longer! Set it free! I’ll go first.

I had a girlfriend once who was a very picky eater. She would not eat many things, and topping the list was fish. She couldn’t stand seafood of any kind. Even worse, she could be a real bitch on an empty stomach. So one day, she was being particularly obstreperous, and demanded that I fix her a grilled-cheese sandwich on the double. Knowing that there was no arguing with her when she got like this, I slunk off to the kitchen. I made the sandwich and came back. Well, I guess the butter must have gone a little rancid, or the cheese had been sitting next to something in the refrigerator, or something, because she immediately grimaced and shouted “I can’t eat this! It tastes like fish!”

“So do you, but I don’t complain!”, I didn’t say.

In the mood she was in, it would have spelled the end of the relationship right there, and probably caused me great bodily harm, as well. Considering the way the relationship turned out, I probably should have just gone ahead and said it, but hey, water under the bridge…

The second incident, which happened just this morning and prompted this thread, occured when I went down to the school’s cashiers to get validated. To get my registration validated, that is. Anyhow, I was next in line when one of the cashiers was called away. Replacing her was a big, burly guy with a mustache, casually dressed, and wearing a baseball cap with a trucking company emblem on it. Not your usual office attire. Well, he says “Can I help the next in line, please?”, and I step up to the counter. I give him my ID number, he tells me how much I owe, and I write out my check as the reciept prints up. He gives me my reciept, and I accept it, idly noting that the previous cashier was still logged in, and “Operator: Patricia” is printed on the reciept. So, I finish filling out the check. He takes it and says “Thank you, Christienne.”

I don’t say, “And thank you, Patricia!”

So, what sort of squelched witticisms can the rest of the SDMB dredge up from its proverbial bowels?

An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.

2

I think you should have responded “Patricia.”

I can’t really list my squelched lines. I kill about three a day while posting on this MB and posting one would somewhat negate the good sense I had to squelch it.

There was the one I didn’t squelch:

Years ago when I was toiling in retail I was transferred to the store in the town where I grew up. One day a friend of my parents walked in. She was a nice lady, but very WASP. (Her husband and my Dad worked in neighboring departments at GM where they had similar jobs, but she had an inheritance and they were much more upper-crust than we were.) I said “Hi” and she started gushing about her new grandchild. After a few moments of listening to her describe how well her daughter had done and how everyone was healthy–but having heard no description of the child–I asked “What color?”

She stopped. “Wha-a-a-at???”

“What color? Pink or blue?”

To which she shot out “You’re just like your father.”

Tom~

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Oh, Tom, I can just see this prim society matron turning all shade of both colors!! What fun!

I never have anything especially clever to say, but my husband is the king of totally unexpected one-liners…I mean really unexpected. He’s generally not funny at all.

Shortly after my mother-in-law died, Byron, his sister (Vicki) and I held an estate sale. Vicki, who had some sort of function to attend, left the sale before we’d scheduled it to be over, leaving Byron and I to finish up for the day. We counted the money and divided it in half, part for us, and part for her. We left a note telling her where we’d stashed her share, locked the door and left.

This did not sit well with Queen Victoria, who (a wench by nature) immediately called to bitch us out and then contacted the lawyer who was overseeing the distribution of the estate. Blah blah blah, a few weeks later, we recieve a letter in the mail from this lawyer, telling us that the proceeds from the sale was supposed to have gone to him and would be distributed upon closing of the estate. Near the end of the letter, it said, very politely, “Kindly drop off a check in the amount of (whatever it was). Thank you. Sincerely, Schmuck Lawyer”

Byron’s reaction: “Kindly drop off a check?! Huh. Kindly drop off a cliff.”

“…being normal is not necessarily a virtue. It rather denotes a lack of courage.”

4

tomndebb: speaking of pink and blue, I could swear the hospitals just have two baby pictures, a pink and a blue one, which will fit most newborn baby appearances.

My uncle had died in (the old country) and I was there for a funeral. We were supposed to clean out the attic with my aunt but she had hurt her back. I was going to call someone to come pick up my uncle’s clothes. I almost said “so those Kosovon refugees can go home with uncle’s suits.” By the time she got to cleaning the attic, the refugees had mostly gone home already.

5

Thanksgiving about 12 years ago.

Me and my 12 brothers and sisters, assorted wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, some of their parents and other friends were gathered around the laden table. At least 22 of us.

We, the siblings, were as usually roudy and raucous. As my father answered the question “Are they always like this?” in a loud tone (to be heard above the din) there was a sudden lull.

“I can’t believe I sired this crap.”

To this day he regrets opening his mouth. When ever anyone does something stupid and he comments, the inevitable retort is: “Well, you sired this crap.”

You are now leaving a “Smiley-free zone”!

A public service message brought to you by G.R.O.S.S.

6

Waldenbooks during my senior year in high school, when I worked part-time.

Women comes in and wants a refund. No receipt. Book is damaged. It appears to have been chewed on by fifteen or twenty shrews, and then used to clean up a baby’s accident.

I calmly explain to the woman that without a receipt, we can only give store credit, and even for that, the returned item must be in saleable condition.

She goes off. We’re a bunch of thieves. It was like this when she bought it. She wants her money now. And then demanded to speak to my superior.

“Ma’am, I don’t have a superior. I’m not even sure I have an equal.”

Not, by the way, the rcommended response in Waldenbooks’ training manual! But dang, it felt good.

  • Rick
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What? Me not saying what I think. Never!

Once upon a time, when I worked at one of those key places in the center of the mall, it was 15 mins past closing time, and I had just finished making keys for the last customer in line, when a woman came rushing up and tossed a key on the counter and said she wanted 15 keys made.

I smiled nicely and politely said that I was already closed, and that she would have to come back another time. (I knew I would miss my bus home if I took the time to do it.) She proceeded to get all huffy and told me in very rude words that she WAS the customer and that I HAD to do it or she would report me to my manager. (mistake #1 as I never do anything I am TOLD to do).

I told her since I WAS the manager, that would be fine with me. She then proceeded to say in a very haughty tone, “Well! I will never refer any of my friends as customers here!” I then responded smiling, “Lady if they are anything like you, please don’t!”

Two days later my regional manager came by to ask that I apoligize for what I said. I told her that they didn’t pay me enough to put up with rude people. She never fired me, and I never had to apoligize.

Yes, I really am a brat in real life too! :stuck_out_tongue:

I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!

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In the thread “Vegas or bust,” I did not reply, “I’d prefer the latter.”

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Sophomore year of college. One of my apartment-mates, Mara (who is a spoiled brat and a half, and has been driving the rest of us nuts since the day we moved in), has just been dumped by her boyfriend. For about three weeks, she cries every day and phones everybody she knows to tell them how miserable Kyle is without her, even though he won’t admit it. Specifically, his fraternity brothers told her he’s been throwing up every morning since the breakup…

“But, Mara, don’t you see how wonderful this is? He’s having your baby!”

(No, I didn’t say it. I valued my life too much. Always have been a coward.)

10

A co-worker had a hard time keeping cocaine out of his nose.

He ended up losing his job because of it, and when he applied for other jobs, he would use me as a reference.

This question always comes up when prospective employers come a-callin’:

“Why did he leave your company?”

I never did (but wanted to) respond with, “He left to sniff out other opportunities.”

11

It may not be a “wise-ass” response, but see it in the Vegas or Bust! thread, Mjollnir.

12

I’ve occasionally made biting comments, and occasionally held my tongue, and as often couldn’t come up with anything so just made a generally sarcastic remark.

I can’t think of anything I’m glad I didn’t say, but I can think of one I’m especially proud of.

This girl, proudly promiscuous, told a lot of us how once she met this guy in a pool hall. It was the middle of the day, so they left and went to a park. They sit down in a secluded area and he whips it out and starts jerking off, somewhat to her surprise. After a few minutes he says, “Uh oh, now what am I gonna do?” “You got yourself in this mess.” “Will you catch it for me?” So she caught it (she tripped and her head landed in his lap is my guess) for him. As if that weren’t enough, at a later time, they’re driving in her car and he pulls it out and starts whacking off again. Again, he’s in trouble and asks her to catch it for him. She tells him to catch it his own damn self. So, sadly, he does, but doesn’t know what to do with it. She stops and he wipes it on a tree.

So, one day, in Chemistry, I was particularly bored and slumped down in my chair. My calculator, resting on my lap, slid off onto the floor making rather a clatter. The teacher looks at me, 'John, are you all right?" The girl (same one as above) says, “His brain is melting and is going to drip out his ear. Don’t worry John, I’ll get it for you.” I said, “You’ll catch it for me?” The class, all of which had heard the story, broke up laughing. The girl was a tad embarassed, the teacher was confused, and I was proud of myself.

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Couple of years ago in the ICU on a relatively quiet day during the holidays. 2 nurses, 1 of which had a breast augmentaion about 2 months prior are sitting gabbing.

A doctor comes in with some chocolates and offers them around.

Breast augmentation nurse says, her usual sarcastic self, “didn’t bring very many didja?”

Doctor replies “hey these are gourmet.”
(which they were.)

BA nurse retorts “I’m into quantity not quality.”

To which, I do NOT reply “no shit, we can SEE that.”

I would never want to hurt someones feelings, but damn that would’a rocked,
Larry, RN
a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained

14

Once when travelling back to the USA from Switzerland, by an inexplicable lapse of common sense I showed the USA immigration person my swiss passport (that didn’t have a visa) instead of the american one. When the official complained about the lack of a visa, I produced my american one and had to explain my dual nationality status.

But when the official asked “why do you have two passports?”, I almost said “Why stop at two? Hang on, I’ve got plenty more in my suitcase. Unfortunately they’re not all in the same name.”

15

They always ask you about have you been given gifts and have you packed it yourself. I always have to hold back the smart ass answers, but I can’t think of them now…

16

When I was in college my mother was giving me a hard time about a girl I had dated maybe twice, and compared her unfavorably to one I had dated for several months. To which I finally DID NOT reply
“But mom, by the end of the relationship all we had in common was the sex.”

17

Ive been asked thousands of times if I’ve been born deaf. Sometimes I answer that by asking them if they have been born hearing.

18

I tend not to hold much back (could you imagine the caustic crap I would be holding back if I did?), but I work in a lab with six women that I get along with very well. So much that I can get away with some very rude things.

I do hold back in front of my boss, however.

He used to work for this rather elderly virologist, Dr. Miller, let’s call him, in Chicago. This really old guy is a personal pain in my ass because his lab is huge and well-funded and he tends to scoop the research done in our small, modestly-funded lab.

Anyhoo, my boss was talking about his own wedding and how nice it was. He said that he loved the church he got married in because it had the oldest organ in Chicago. I was so close to saying “I think Dr. Miller has the oldest organ in Chicago.”

Yeah, you prolly had to be there.

We gladly devour those who would subdue us.

19

Not particularly witty, but the set-up was so damned perfect I almost swallowed my tonsils choking back the words…

A particulary lazy, snotty and politically connected staff member was doing his usual whining and bitching. We were in the middle of a killer construction project that meant hauling literally tons of boxes of books. This was in the middle of high (midwestern) summer which meant sweltering heat, dust, and shortened tempers.

Everyone else but Tha Little Prince pitched in and got it done. Damned near broke our backs, but we got it done. Once all the heavy work was done, he had to (O the horror!) empty his desk into boxes.

Bitter whining and moaning followed. Of course other people were going to move the boxes because heaven forfend he exert his delicate self. He petulantly filled up a small box with the contents of his pencil drawer and then snapped at me, “Well, and where do you want me to put this?”

Oh, it hurt. There was a loooong silence, which was probably pretty eloquent in itself, but my sole reply was, “Well, the moving cart would be okay too.”

Veb

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handy:

Shouldn’t you be asking them if they were born talking?