Woman nearly cheats on her husband, stopping herself just in time. Should she fess up?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Today’s hypothetical is swiped from “The Timing of Sin,” a short story by the masterful Andre Dubus, published in 1996 in his short story collection Dancing After Hours and probably in Esquire or Vanity Fair before that. I seriously doubt it’s available online and even if it is I am too lazy to check Google. Anyway…

It’s Saturday morning, and LuAnn Arcenaux has just had sex with her husband, Ted Briggs, for the third times in forty hours. While that’s mostly a good thing–she loves Ted, and sex with him is good–the reason for it is somewhat distressing. LuAnn is in heat (her words) because on Thursday night, she nearly committed adultery–“came within minutes, touches, kisses of consummating it.” Now (in my hypothetical, not Dubus’s far superior story) she’s wondering whether to tell Ted.

LuAnn is a winsome, well-to-do, stay-at-home mom. Though she loves her husband and children, she feels her life with them is not an adequate contribution to the common good. She assauges her liberal guilt by tutoring at a shelter for underprivileged girls, many of whom have long, horrifying histories of abuse and consequent significant mental health issues. The work she does there is worthwhile, both to the girls and to LuAnn’s spiritOn th; several of the girls are very attached to her, and she’s considering adopting one. On the night in question, one of her students (whose name I don’t remember, so I’ll arbitrarily call her Sylvie) had a self-harm episode during class. Unable to handle Sylvie’s situation, LuAnn turned to the shelter’s director, whose name I also don’t recall so I’ll call him Bear.

After calming Sylvie down and getting her to the hospital, LuAnn and Bear went to her car to smoke and decompress. LuAnn had had a crush on Bear for a while, and between that and the emotional moment they’d both shared, sparks were lit, caresses exchanged, and tongues entangled. For a few wonderful, terrible seconds they were hot and heavy. But in the moments it took them to push down her jeans and panties, she regained her self-control, she put a stop to things before anything lingamic touched anything yonic. Bear pulled back, apologized profusely, and promised not to make any further advances on LuAnn or bother her in any way. Still aroused when she got home, LuAnn initiated sex with Ted that night, and again on Friday evening and Saturday morning.

So that’s the backstory. Now–mid-morning on Saturday–LuAnn is feeling extremely guilty. On a walk with her best friend, Marsha, she tells her about the incident and asks her advice. Should she confess her near-adultery to Ted? For that matter, is she, in fact, already guilty of adultery? Either way, should she continue her work at the shelter?

In Marsha’s place, what advice would you give?

2

No way, don’t tell. But don’t put yourself in that kind of situation again. If she thinks she can’t control herself around Bear, she should go volunteer somewhere else instead. And if there are problems in her marriage, she should try to work on those before it’s too late.

3

LuAnn should suffer in silence. It’s her guilt to carry. By telling Ted it relieves her of guilt and places a burden on Ted. Not fair to Ted and she gets off too easy.

4

In what possible way would informing her spouse make his life better ?
Or hers, for that matter ? She nearly committed adultery, but a miss being as good as a mile, she did not: if people went about blearily confessing every thought or urge to their significent others in a triumph of sentimentalism, it would not only get old fast; it would give a tenuous excuse for eventually hitting them to get them just to shut up — which is a very bad thing.

5

See, I thought you (or possibly the original author) were going to throw in a twist like she witnessed a murder, and her husband is accused, and she can only save him by confessing what she was up to. Alternatively, her panties were found in the car, which caused some other complication that can only be resolved if she confesses.

But given the situation as is, there is absolutely no benefit to her confessing (other than possibly relieving her conscience). She should keep her mouth shut, and continue to channel excess sexual energy into her relationship with her husband.

6

If it were my wife, I would have hoped she had enough sense to keep quiet about it. Tentatively, I think she might continue at the shelter. But not if it were repeated.

7

Luann is guilty of adultery. She became guilty as soon as she started the heavy petting with someone not her husband.

Didn’t notice the multiple choice bit. If I were Marsha, I’d tell her to confess so they can work on this in couples counselling. And not to quit the shelter, if this is something to do with her marriage, she’ll (eventually) fall into bed with someone wherever she works (unless it’s some woman-only place, I guess)

8

Don’t tell Ted.

Find a new outlet for her do-gooding.

Seriously consider individual (or couples’) counseling, since there’s a good chance that something’s not-quite-right in the marriage.

9

It’s early days, of course, but I’m somewhat surprised that it’s 11 to 2 on the “LuAnn is guilty of adultery” issue.

10

Almost-adultery is not-adultery. There’s nothing to confess, really. In an emotional, stressful situation, I could see the temptation coming up.

I’m not even sure if you can call it emotional cheating, though I suppose I’d need to know the details of the “crush” in the scenario.

As for whether she should keep working at the shelter… I guess it depends on how she can limit her temptations. To me, it seems feasible to tell Bear it’s never gonna happen and then make sure there’s always a third person in the room with them. But if precautions like that aren’t possible, then I’d encourage her to find a similar job at another shelter.

11

If there had been an emotional connection, planned and advanced, then I would have said she committed adultery even without the sex. But it was unplanned, unwanted and ceased to be an issue when they stopped. She should keep her mouth shut about the whole incident and keep jumping her husband. No harm, no foul.

12

She should not have told Marsha. She should definitely not tell Ted. If she’s uncomfortable around Bear, or thinks there may be another incident, she should find another place to spend her volunteer time.

13

True, by definition. But despite phrasing the thread title as I did (those things can only be so long, after all), on further reflection I say MrDibble is spot on: the makeout session and stripping is cheating. I’m not saying it’s not forgivable cheating–just that it is, in fact, cheating, and adultery in all the important ways.

Why not? Marsha’s her best friend. Even happily married persons needs confidant apart from their spouses; how else do they have someone to bitch about their spouses to? The question isn’t whether Marsha should tell Ted, after all.

Oh, and in Dubus’s story, Marsha (who has had a marriage lost due to her own adultery), tells LuAnn very firmly not to fess up to anyone but her and her priest.

14

In all fairness, LuAnn keeping her mouth shut and living with the guilt does not absolve her of being guilty of adultery. So it’s more like 20 to 12 in favour of “adulterous whore” verdict (who, IMO, should keep her mouth shut). :slight_smile:

15

In the same situation or thereabouts I would go to my husband and say that I found myself attracted to someone else, that I am worried about the impact on our relationship, that I have distanced myself from the situation to avoid further entanglements (in other words, that I quit the shelter), and that I want to go to counseling because I feel that the incident is a huge red flag.

ETA: And yes, I would consider it cheating. Whether I told my husband about everything that happened would depend on how much he wanted to know. If he said, “I need details” I would give details.

16

Having been, prior to my marriage, =the cheater, the cheated-upon, and abettor-of-cheating, I feel confident in saying that most men are going to demand details, EVEN KNOWING THAT SAID DETAILS ARE GOING TO MAKE THEM FEEL WORSE.

17

In my marriage, making out with other people is cheating.

She should keep her mouth shut, should not have told her friend, and should stay the hell away from Bear, including quitting at the shelter. In the future, when she finds herself attracted to another man, she should extract herself from the situation before it escalates like it did here.

18

He’s a grown man. He gets to make choices. I can’t make his choices for him. If he demands details, I will tell him, just as I would tell him the details of anything else major in our relationship.

19

Whether LuAnn should speak up depends on <blank>.
Some people, when they fuck, talk. Sometimes they talk about other people.

If LuAnn can make her husband have a great orgasm by talking about an affair with Bear, then do it.

20

Renee, why do you feel LuAnn should not have told her friend?