Women aren't the only ones who can be teases

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I guess this post is part mini-rant, part question, part PSA. . .

Also, it’s kind of whiny and drama-filled, but I just sort of need to get this off my chest, so I’m really sorry for the emo-nature of it.

So, I know this guy who is a good friend of my good friends; let’s call him Ken. Ken is a bit of a ladies’ man and all his female friends are always teasing him about how many girls he goes out with, what girls he’s chasing, etc. So a couple of months ago I meet him at my friend’s birthday party, and he asks his friends who I am. He tries to dance with me, etc, but I had heard about his reputation and so wasn’t interested. Later I hear his friend mention how he had talked to her about how he was done playing around and wanted something serious. So anyways, weeks go on and I see more of Ken because he shows up at things that I’m attending with my friends. He is generally really flirty with me and attentive, and at some point he also tells me that he’s tired of running around, dating girls only for their looks, and is ready for something more substantial. So we mildly hook up.

The next time I see him, he keeps talking about some other girl he hooked up with, although he keeps being flirty with me, touching me, etc. Finally I tell him that I’m getting mixed signals, and he says that he’ll call me to talk about it, but he doesn’t, although he was very sweet to me to me later and apologized.

At this point, I get it. He’s not that into me, fine, move on. The only problem is, while he’s definitely toned down the flirting with me, he still does it quite a bit . . . I saw him last weekend and he complemented me on my dress, told me I had a pretty smile, was touchy-feely, etc. The thing is, this is his nature with women; he’s very flirty in general, so I know it doesn’t mean anything. At the same time, in my lizard brain it makes me attracted to him and that becomes quite annoying.

If I know a guy is into me that I’m not into I take pains to not give mixed signals or flirt with them because I don’t want to lead them on. So why do guys act like this? Is it for the same reason as women? Because they’re lonely and insecure and like the attention?

Also, men, although you’re not conditioned to see situations this way, please be aware of your body language and actions around women who are into you that you’re not interested in. You can accidentally lead women on the same way they do to you, and with similar consequences . . .

2

Yes

It’s probably not an accident. Unless he is a ridiculously clueless guy, see above. He knows he draws the attention, he enjoys it and works it.

3

I think he’s playing you, getting you thinking about him (which you are) and analyzing his every action. Do yourself a favor and get on with your life.

4

Meh, he’s already let you know he’s not interested. It’s not his job to behave in any particular out-of-his-ordinary way in order to reinforce what you already know. Instead of pondering his behavior, start pondering your reaction. After all, you can only change the latter.

5

Yup. If you’re wondering what he’s thinking, it’s not about you. NEXT! :smiley:

6

There are no mixed signals here. He would do you. He just isn’t looking for a relationship. “Teasing” is about sending out false sexual signals. This guy isn’t doing that, he’s sendingout genuine sexual signals.

Maybe the male version of “teasing” isn’t being coy about sex, but being coy about it leading to anything serious.

By the way, “I’m tired of sleeping with thousands of women and I’m looking for that one special girl to settle down with” is just another line to get laid. It plays on the fantasy a lot of women have of being the one who can tame the stud.

7

Really? Because if someone said that to me, I’d probably say “Well that’s a damned shame, because I am NOT that girl, and I was totally going to fuck you until you said that.” :smiley:

8

I had a friend who got laid with that line over and over again. Maybe it doesn’t work with every woman but it works with enough women.

9

Meh. Sucks to be you. Totally being played. Like Diogenes said, that’s just another line. Believe it.

10

That’s the line that won you over? Because from where I’m standing, it sounds a bit back-handed, not to mention presumptuous.

And yes, of course men can be teases, only they’re usually called ‘charming’ instead.

11

And I’d say, yeah, I was wondering if THAT girl was here, but since I don’t see her…

:cool:

No, really, that’s really a condescending line for a guy to use. Translated he’s saying “All my life I’ve met beautiful women, gotten some unbelievable sex with them, and now I’m looking for someone plain who will be more than happy with a major stud like myself, I think you might do”

12

Yup, he’s not a tease but an butthead. He’s not worth thinking about.

13

It’s not really a guy thing or a girl thing. It’s a relationship and behaviour thing shared by everyone to some extent. Some people are just natural flirts. Some know when it’s innapropriate or unwanted and turn it off. Some miss those signals. And unfortunately, some just don’t care.

No real advise for this situation except maybe getting his attention with a clue-by-four and point blank telling him to knock it off.

14

What, specifically, does a “mild hook-up” entail? I thought that a hook up meant sex. “Mild” and “sex” don’t go together in my book.

15

LOL

20 years or so ago, I had a friend who was a real ladies man. Lawyer, good looking, well-to-do.

He said the line works like a charm. He said he didn’t believe for an instant women were that stupid. His theory was that they wanted to have sex with him but needed an excuse and someone to be the bad guy who ‘mislead’ them after.

16

Well, regarding the nature of the mild hook up: we made out. For like ten seconds. So not much, really. I haven’t slept with him and have no intention of doing so.

Also, I really do get that he’s not interested, and that I shouldn’t waste my time thinking about him. BUT, when you’re frequently around someone you’re attracted to who is flirty with you, it’s hard to be completely detached. Also, there are times where he is genuinely thoughtful, like bringing an extra sweater when I mentioned I was cold, or apologizing out of the blue for not calling me. Even though I should respond a certain way, well, it’s hard to tell your natural responses to follow the proper channels.

Thanks for letting me vent, though. It’s been cathartic.

17

I work with a guy a bit like this, although the difference is that he’s in a committed relationship (well, he’s on his third engagement, so I guess he’s committed to something!). His problem is that he flirts all the goddamn time. With any female. I’m not even sure he knows how much he’s doing it, or, at least, he denies it totally.

It got to the stage where I could see the pattern from a mile off. New person (female) starts working in the office, and he starts being overly-friendly and flirty with them (he did this to me when I first started working with him, although that tailed off pretty quickly when my husband got a job in the same office). They are flattered, and respond to varying degrees. A few have propositioned him, but to no avail, as, you see, he’s attached. I’ve told him that this wouldn’t happen if he held off the flirting, but he denies he’s doing it. I definitely think he has a huge insecure streak that is soothed by having all this attention focused his way. Things usually end when he stops focusing attention on them (maybe they start seeing through it) and moves onto the next “target”.

Also, another thing he does, which is related to the flirting, I think, is to involve himself in people’s lives intensely for a brief time, before disengaging and moving on again. Taking people out, listening to their problems, pulling their personal lives out of them, offering advice and a shoulder to lean on. It’s quite disarming, and I’ve been on the receiving end of this. He likes being the ‘go-to’ guy for advice.

I can totally get where you’re coming from, Gestalt; you know he’s not really interested, but can’t help responding to the signals you’re getting. It’s a real pain to have to constantly temper your responses based on what you really know about their motives.