Do men tease?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I say they do. Mr. Rilch says they rarely do.

I started a thread a few weeks ago, which got few responses, about something teenage guys sometimes do: ask a girl to meet them somewhere, then lurk where they won’t be seen, or just don’t show up at all, for the purpose of “seeing if she would”. Maybe to see how well she can be manipulated; maybe just for the kick of it. I know it happens; I just don’t know how often.

Then there’s this scenario. Adam is seeing, or whatever you call it, Beth. He’s losing interest in her while flirting with Cindy…but he doesn’t break off with Beth outright. Instead, he keeps her on the string while pursuing Cindy, until one of two things happens. Either he gets a definite response from Cindy, after which he tells Beth he doesn’t know how it happened, but… Or Beth gets fed up with his inattention to her and increasing attention to Cindy, and calls it off, leaving him free to make a play for Cindy. So he keeps his options open, and doesn’t risk having lag time between relationships.

And then there are the guys who bait women, flirting and leading them on, but always keeping it just short of what would make the woman happy. Have you noticed how there’s always at least one guy on a college campus who seems to have a harem? Not necessarily girls he’s sleeping with, but girls he cultivates, knowing they’re getting attached to him, but always leaving them unfulfilled. If she wants him to commit, he just wants sex. If she wants sex, he wants to be “friends”. If she want to be friends, he toys with her, but dismisses her before any real sharing can happen.

And the “serial boyfriends”; again, starting what seem to be relationships, but breaking them off abruptly and moving on to another and the cycle continues.

But Mr. Rilch keeps insisting that men are “much more straightforward and honest than women are. Women are the ones who play games.” I tell him that just because he’s not a player, doesn’t mean guys in general don’t play. One of his best mates was a chronic serial boyfriend, until recently something happened that wised him up. Another pulled the A-B-C scenario I described. I never discussed it with Mr. Rilch, on the grounds that there might really have been something I didn’t know, but it looked pretty cold-blooded to me.

So am I right or wrong?

2

I’ll tell you right now that I’ve never gone with Scenario A (hell, I can count the number of times I’ve asked a girl out in the first place on one hand), I haven’t done B, I’ve never been popular enough for C, and D… well… feh.

Another way of saying it is “Men are the big dumb oafs who are too stupid to be subtle, while women are always worried about crossing a line or stepping on someone’s toes.”

'Course, there’re exceptions to the rule… but remember, the stereotyping didn’t start with me. :smiley:

3

To me, those are examples of dishonesty and manipulation, not teasing. There’s no communication, and insecurities are in the way.

When a guy’s teasing me, I know I’m being teased, and he knows I know it. We both have fun with it, and neither of us gets angry or frustrated or hurt. The game gets dropped before that happens. When only one person’s getting any satisfaction out of the situation, it’s not teasing anymore. It’s a mind-f*ck.

FTR, I think guys are just as likely as girls to pull crap like that. I really don’t care for it, from either gender.

Just MHO.

4

I’m a tremendous flirt, though you wouldn’t know it from most of my behavior on this board unless you’ve been following the Band Name Synonym Game lately (sorry, I’m too tired for a link).

My problem is that I sometimes forget where the flirting leaves off and the more serious stuff begins, and I wind up on the wrong side of the line. That’s why I try to keep it to an absolute minimum, or go completely cartoonish when I do it, so there’s less room for confusion.

For this reason, I wind up coming across as either (a) aloof or (b) an all-talk-no-action joker.

However, in response to the OP, I think, given the chance and the right circumstances, men enjoy teasing as much as any woman does. Now, I’m assuming you mean by “teasing” what I more commonly think of as “playing hard to get.” If that’s correct, then I stand by my reply. Everybody wants to feel desired and sought out. Everybody I’ve ever been involved with has enjoyed that little dance of the eyes where you’re trying to figure if they’re looking at you when you aren’t looking, the passing by each other and “accidentally” bumping elbows, the phone calls that start “OH! I must have hit redial by mistake … well how are you this morning?”

I will also add that there are individuals who don’t have the constitution for this kind of thing. The very shy and the very bold, from my experience. Anyway, just MHO.

So, uh, AudreyK, have I ever told you how insightful I find your posts? And witty, too. :slight_smile:

5

You will be happy to know that I have patched the hole in my comma quiver.

6

Now, I don’t want to get on an anti-women rant, because I’m sure this scenario is, indeed, acted out by men. However, this particular course of action is what I see women doing constantly. I once heard a saying that women just go from raft to raft and never get their feet wet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying women do this any more than men or that women are any “worse” than men, but they are certainly not immune to pulling this kind of stunt.

7

Point taken. But I wasn’t saying that women are saints; I only wanted to discuss men. I’m talking about manipulation, like Audrey says, and I stand by my assertion that it does happen.

C’mon people! I don’t think any of the regs are going to stand up and say, “Yes…I admit it…my name’s Joe and I’m a user!” But someone must know a brother, a cousin, a roommate, somebody, who’s pulled this kind of shit. Or a woman who believes it’s been done to her? I’m not male-bashing, just looking for anecdotes to hold up my side of the debate.

8

I’ve never seen A played out except in a movie. I am not even sure I understand what you’re describing in C.

I have definitely known guys to pull the B scenario. I have not known any guys that do it repetitively (although I’m sure they could), but I have certainly seen guys do it at least once or twice.

9

Oh, it’s been done to me. I told one of my best male friends that I had a crush on him. He told me we had a chance of dating, but the next week, he was getting into some serious flirting with a good friend of mine, not to mention leading on a bunch of little freshman girls who were madly in love with him. Now that I think about it…that was absolutely disgusting.

10

Oh, let me tell you about Louth Bastard #1 (#2 being the one I started that whiny MPSIMS thread about a couple weeks ago). We snogged in a pub one night, parted with mobile numbers exchanged. For the next two months he would send me outrageously flirty text messages (stuff like dropping the word “shag” in completely inappropriate places) - but would never meet me. Always had one excuse or another. Finally agreed to meet one night - and didn’t turn up. I had enough at that point.

So yes, some men definitely do tease.

11

This behavior strikes me as somewhat psychotic. What person in their right mind would intentionally ask someone to meet them somewhere and intentionally not show up? And a person who asks you to meet them so they can secretly observe you is definitely not playing with a full deck.

Now what sometimes happens is that we men either forget we made a date or get distracted by something (like a James Bond marathon on TV or a football game). That’s usually unintentional.

What often happens is that we men want to keep our options open. Quite often we just want to sleep with someone but we don’t want to actually have a relationship with them (ie dinner dates, dumb gifts, and so on).

Another thing that sometimes happens is that we meet a girl when we’re out drinking. A lot of women seem a lot more interesting after 5 or 6 beers. So we may make out with them or get their number or even sleep with them. The next day, they don’t seem as interesting or we can’t be bothered calling them.

12

This man does not represent me.

:slight_smile:

13

'Tain’t limited by gender, in my experience. But then again, little is.
There’s the Ex, who’s a Teaser Extradinaire; knows the buttons and pushes all of 'em. It’s a power thing, y’know? What better way to manipulate others to fill gaping gaps in oneself? Find the vulnerable spots and work from there. It’s purely intuitive, and probably not consciously (i.e. deliberately) destructive but the results are the same. He lies to himself, and of course others, cultivates dreams then oozes away when the facade starts crumbling. Catastrophe follows.
But beyond the pathological I suspect that simple gender goofiness accounts for a lot. With women it’s “girls just wanna have fun” fizziness, coupled with reliance on feminine comprehension of unspoken or subtle clues.
But men are just as incomprehensible, running bizarre soundtracks in their heads. “Gee, I really like FemX but that’ll lead to heavy shit like getting serious and no WAY I’m ready for that now”–so they go icy and Teflon, leaving the hapless female bewildered where things got weird after a few great dates.
Gaack.
I just depressed myself. But human fault lines aren’t gender specific, even if they’re expressed differently.
But that’s just my opinion.
Veb

14

Flirt. :slight_smile:

Yet another reason I would never seriously attempt to meet someone at a bar.

15

Just seems like it happened a lot in high school. Not just to me, but my female friends too. I, or someone else, would turn up in tears because Bobby or Chris or Mike didn’t show, and it was particularly humiliating at the mall, with others watching. Eventually I, at least, put my foot down and refused to do any hit-or-miss arrangements for hooking up.

Sometimes it was distraction, like you said, or lack of manners: “My mom said I had to go to the dentist.” “Yeah, and she also broke your fingers so you couldn’t call and say you weren’t coming?” But there was at least one time when a guy told his crew to watch out for a specific girl (not me), because she would be there and he wouldn’t and if she looked like a likely prospect, they were welcome. And another time, when I was 22 and the guy was 25, I waited for him at a restaurant for half an hour, and when I finally caught up with him, he said he’d been at another restaurant in the same mall, and it was my fault because I hadn’t called him during the week to refresh his memory*.

I wish I were making this up. But I’m not. And again, I’m not bashing men; I just wish it wasn’t so difficult to trust anyone.

*Oh, and he wasn’t drunk when we met, or when we made the date.

16

Actually, hubby was Adam and I was Cindy. Except I wasn’t interested in a serious relationship and I didn’t like his Beth anyway so I was sleeping with him not just flirting with him. Then he started asking me to be his girlfriend and I just kept telling him that he already had a girlfriend. He’d try and tell me that he’d break up with her if I’d be his girlfriend. I’d tell him that he wanted to break up with her fine, but I still wasn’t going to be his girlfriend. That went on for 3 months. Then he finally broke up with his Beth. I held out a whole month before I agreed to be his girlfriend. (What the hell was I thinking?)

Anyway, in this case, I think it was a case of insecurity on his part. He had been with his Beth for so long that he didn’t know how to be just him by himself.