Okay, I’m much older now and I am removed many years from the man/woman game, but I just can’t believe a man would do this. am I naive? The story:
My ex-daughter in-law (age 38) moved to a new apartment and on the first day was out at the pool. She met a divorced man there who had three younger children. A week later he drove down with her to take her daughter to summer camp and insisted on carrying all the luggage in and she was impressed with the way he converesed with the directors; later that day he took her for a walk on the beach and dinner. After that they were seeing each other frequently for about 5 weeks, he going over to her apartment or she to his. If his kids were there he wouldn’t hold hands or kiss her in front of them, which she throught was a good thing. He talked about taking her out sailing on his sailboat and other things in the future. Then she did what I advised her not to: she slept with him. At dinner the next evening he introduced her to a male friend of his from work (he is a pediatric respiratory therapist). The next day at the pool when he wasn’t around this friend mentioned subtlely the name of a song that was playing when they were in bed. It can’t be a coincidence of course, so obviously he discussed her with the friend. From that day forward he has never called her, answered the door (she went over and knocked and he was there but wouldn’t answer the door), or answered her phone messages. Could all of this elaborate ruse been only to get her in bed? It seems impossible but it appears that way. Would a man actually take almost 6 weeks out of his life just for a one night stand? She was embarrased and heartbroken at first but now just despises him and is moving on. If it was something else wouldn’t he have told her? Or are some men just unmitigated cowards and will just dump a nice woman with no explanation? He’s not a boy at age 38. Tell me the truth men.
He probably decided that he didn’t want a relationship with your friend, and instead of doing the mature thing, just stopped talking to her. He could have learned something about her, discovered that she was bad in bed, or come to a realization while talking to his friend. Methinks that very few guys that would stop talking to a girl after a one night stand would put in much effort to get in her pants in the first place.
IANAMan, but there are a lot of “if you’ll have me, you’re not good enough for me” men and women out there of all ages (the famous Woody Allen quote, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would allow me as a member” applies). Seriously. I quite honestly believe that this particular mental glitch causes a majority of the dating-suffering in the US.
Or, to elaborate on what Alereon said, maybe he discovered that they’re just not compatible in bed – the wrong balance of kinkiness, or enthusiasm, or whatever, between them.
Yes, I think some men would go that far. How about this? A friend of mine was really good friends with this guy, and he was engaged when she met him. His engagement broke off, his fiancee left, and they continued to be friends. They do some theatre work together, share a circle of friends, etc. They were even considering getting an apartment together, platonically.
One night, he confessed to her that he’s madly in love with her, that she was a factor in his engagement breaking off, and he really wants to kiss her. She was shocked, as she’d never really contemplated him that way, but she went for it b/c she liked him a lot and thought it could be something great. They were together for a week, until she slept with him, and now, they barely talk. It’s awkward all around, and she’s very hurt by his apparent 180 in his attitude towards her.
WTF? We still cannot figure out why he’d go through all that trouble, possibly lying his ass off, definitely not worrying about ruining the friendship, for one night of sex with her. But I guess some people are like that, eh?
Yes. Some guys would go through that to get laid once. I’ve known more than a few.
It has to do with the desire to sleep with SPECIFIC women, as opposed to simply “I wanna get laid.” I used to work with a guy who went so far as to keep a separate apartment from the one he actually lived in, for the specific purpose of maintaining an attractive showplace… and never being home.
a week… two weeks… maybe even three… but a 6 week subterfuge to have sex once?!? nah… once you get your foot in that door… play the game a little longer and sleep with her three or four times at least… unless the sex was a COMPLETE train wreck. I am more inclined to believe that there was a different reason for the breakup… and dude was too big a dick to own up and say goodbye like a man.
Maybe he’s got some sort of Madonna / whore hangup, and he was serious about the relationship until he discovered that she was willing to have sex with him, whereupon she became a Fallen Woman and unworthy of his notice? In any case, it sounds like she’s well rid of him.
What you’re describing sounds like a textbook case of commitment phobia. He was ok with the relationship as long as it was platonic; when he realized that things were getting serious he got scared and ran away. The fact that he has kids from a failed marriage might indicate that he’s reluctant to take that risk again.
I have to also point out that your ex-daughter-in-law may also be dealing with issues from her former marriage, and maybe their respective issues collided head-on.
That being said, human beings are incredibly complicated, and there’s really no way to second-guess this guy’s motives. The only certainty is that his avoidance of her is incredibly immature, and she’s better off without him.
Could be that he was just trying to see if he could nail her. He did, and now there’s nothing about her that interests him. He got what he wanted, now he’s moving on.
A dick for sure.
The fact that this man is divorced shoulda been a warning sign to her. No, not all divorced people were at fault in their divorce, but I woulda wanted to know WHY he was divorced before going out with him. Just MHO.
For some guys, the thrill is in the hunt and chase. It’s a bit like hunting wild game–one might put a lot of time and effort into preparation, stalking, etc., culminating in the kill, just to prove he can do it. Sometimes, the greater the challenge, the bigger the thrill to master it. Once the game has been bagged, the goal has been accomplished.
In other words, it’s not to get laid, it’s to get the chosen quarry to succumb.
I met a woman once who did a similar sort of thing. She came to work as the recptionist at the company where I worked. Quite an attractive woman, actually. She started flirting with me, got me to go to lunch a couple of times and to a happy hour with a friend of hers. Finally, after several weeks she announced she’d like to go to Austin on the weekend and would I like to go? Sure thing.
In Austin we got a hotel room and wound up having sex. The next morning she was oddly distant. We visited a friend of mine and she spent most her time flirting with him. On the drive home she spent most of her time staring off into space.
I called a couple of times the next week, but never heard back from her. At the office she didn’t have time to talk.
When I mentioned it to a friend over drinks one night, he came to a speedy conclusion, “You’re already a notch on her bedpost; you have no further use.”
Well, it soon became apparent she was working her magic on a guy in another department. Several weeks later she didn’t have time to talk to him, either. I knew the guy well enough, so I asked him. Sure enough, same script: a few weeks of flirting with lunches and a happy hour, then a proposal for a weekend thing, sex, and immediately off the radar screen.
I had no emotional investment, so it didn’y bother me. But the change in her behavior was abrupt, and puzzling until my friend diagnosed it. I guess the hunt is the fun part for some people. Or the score.
I too had thought that maybe he suddenly realized he was getting in too deep and decided to end it; but no matter what the reason, he still was a complete ass for doing it like he did, leaving her to wonder what the heck happened and what she “did wrong”. I told her to not even entertain the thought that SHE did something wrong.
One red flag as to his reasons, is that it appears highly likely he discussed having sex with her with his work friend. There is the slight possiblity he didn’t realize the friend would let her know that. But, in any case, having discussed it, he would have been off my list for no other reason. However, a man friend told me that men often do this; even at age 38.
I guess the bottom line is that whatever the reason, he should have been man enough to tell her.
Surely if all it was was wanting to have sex he would have done it more than once, rather than taking six weeks out of his life every time for a different girl, as it seems you’re suggesting. I can’t fathom his motives here.
I’m thinking this guy probably did like her at first but then four weeks into it he realized that he did’nt like her but figured “hey I’ve already invested four weeks into this girl; might as well stick it out untill I get laid so it wont be a total loss.”
So ladies, if your reading this; in order to save yourselves alot of time you should give a guy sex right off the bat, then if he still hangs around you know he really likes you and isn’t just feeding you full of B.S. so he can get laid. Its a win win/win situation becuase it saves both parties involved alot of time and heart ache.
As a one time (ok many times) dog of a male I believe I can shed some light on this.
She most likely was not the only woman he was involved with. In the days when I was more interested in my freedom than anyones feelings it was far from unknown for me to be talking to, chatting up, “courting” if you will 3-6 different women at a time. Usually only 1 or 2 were anything marginally intimate. Since I did most of this via internet personals it was a simple matter to chat with 2-3 at a time, sometimes 1 on the phone and 2 different ones in chat.
In this way what appeared to be patience could have just as easily been the time constraints and scheduling problems of a very active single man.
The funny thing about “rules” girls trying to avoid the “dogs” is they are actually easy targets because of their strict scheduling and contact restrictions. Smart, organized, him hos are scary things.
The low accountability of a relatively new guy makes this even easier. You know very little about his work schedule, familial obligations, friends, etc. “Going out with the guys” could just as easily land him in the bed of another woman for the night and the guys were never even part of the plan.
