Women With No Female Friends

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’m a contractor. I’m around guys all day long, every day. It’s probably no accident that this is my job, not, say, a nurse or a teacher, or some other female dominated profession. I couldn’t handle all the politicking, (shudder.)

I was also a stay at home mom for 13 years. Ran a mom’s group for probably 7-8 years, volunteered umpteen hours for various charities, school things, ran off with the girls for a couple weekends every year. I’ve got some really good female friends that I know I can count on. But it was really hard for me at first, to learn how to get along with women, a lot of them, not just the ones I could pick and choose to be friends with. But, being a married stay at home mom in a small community, those were pretty much my choices. Many, many other moms were culled through, not only on my part, but I am sure, on their part, too. I can be a regular pain in the ass; I’m not very tactful, possess a pretty strong personality, and I’ve got a dirty mind with a sense of humor to match. This alienates a whole bunch of women.

Interestingly enough, those qualities tend work well with men.

All things being equal, it’s easier for me to be friends with men. They’re easier to understand, less sensitive, more direct, and I tend to share more interests with them. My hobbies tend to be more tomboyish-wakeboarding, fishing, 4 wheeling, etc. And although I can sew a mean baby quilt, it’s not quite as much fun.

I just get men. (Most of them, anyways.) My husband says that’s one of the things he loves about me, that I think like a guy. Makes it easier for him, maybe.

22

I have more male friends than female. My female friends are a lot like me - they have more male friends than female.

I’ve been told that I’m a guy in a woman’s body with a little “femininity” sprinkled on top by both genders. I’ve also been told that this is a fabulous combination. I don’t know about that, but if it pleases my friends and my husband, then it pleases me.

23

I seem to have slightly more male friends than female, but not particularly because I chose to; it just seems to have worked out that way in the last few years.

I do however have a number of female friends who I love spending time with, and at no point have I ever felt like conversations with them focused on traditionally “girly” stuff like shoes or shopping. (We do talk about our boyfriends/girlfriends, so I guess maybe “dating” gets in there, but then that’s the same with my male friends.)

So I suppose I’m another one who has never really understood the “I’m not a girly girl and not interested in SHOESANDLIPSTICK so I don’t hang out with women” thing, to be honest; I’m not a girly girl either, so I hang out with some of the many many MANY women out there who are also not girly girls, and we talk about stuff that is interesting to us.

(Not saying there’s anything wrong with traditionally-feminine topics and activities - it just isn’t for me personally.)

24

I used to say that I had no girl friends, I didn’t get along with women blah, blah, blah… in high school, when cattiness actually really existed. Even then, it wasn’t really true. I have amazing girl friends, who I have been friends with since elementary school.

I think it is simply easier to be friends with someone of the opposite gender. The initial contact is easier. I have a ton of male friends, and when discussed in frank, the majority said they found all of their girl friends to be attractive enough to sleep with. Platonic as the relationship may be, the aspect of attractiveness is a huge social lubricant that does not come into play as strongly within same sex friendships. With women, I feel it takes more to build a worthwhile friendship, but is oh so worth it. I can’t imagine writing off an entire gender because I have an extremely limited opinion of them. All women talk about is clothes, shopping, makeup and their periods. Please. If that is how you think, no wonder you have trouble making friends with women.

25

I have a hard time making friends in any case. And you’ve probably got enough life experience to act like a giggly high-pitched stereotypical girl right out of high school. (a lot of kids my age drive me nuts, or perhaps the annoying ones are just more noticeable.)
I have people that I’d call friends, of both genders. I have people that I call friends because there isn’t a better word between friend and acquaintance (right now, that’s mostly people in my RenFaire Guild). A lot of the people I know online are female, but that might just be because of my interests (slash and kimono, um, not necessarily together). But in a group of people, I usually gravitate towards the men. Not because I want attention, not because I’m trying to flirt or anything, but just because I feel more comfortable there.

I find stereotypical women annoying. I find stereotypical men amusing (in more of a point and laugh sort of way, but still). My mom says I have an X chromosome with a short leg. Maybe its just that I like to be friends with geeks and there are more obviously geeky men. Cuz the only really good friend I had in High School was a supergeek and a tomboy too. I just don’t make friends easily and I’m not real good about holding onto the ones I make.

26

100% of my friends are male.

But when you’ve got a sample size of 2, it’s not hard.

I have some acquaintances through work who are “friendly” who are female. I just have hobbies and interests that are more “typically” male than female. I have a very masculine way of looking at the world, and whilst I can get on with women I just can’t relate properly to them in an extended fashion. My hobbies are ones that are typically regarded as male pursuits, so in any group of mixed genders I’m going to be more likely to be off talking to the guys about the game I’m currently playing or the new console or computer I just got. If any females in the group are willing to join that discussion, I’m happy to talk to them and make friends with them. But it’s been my experience that it just doesn’t pan out that way.

It’s not to say that there aren’t women out there who only have male friends because they’re insecure about (real or perceived) competition from other women. But to tar every woman who only has male friends with the same brush is just as insulting as saying “Oh, I can’t get along with girls because all they talk about is clothes and shopping”.

27

I’m with Monstro and dangermom.

On top of that, I can’t think of any women I know who are into makeup and babies, except to the extent that some of them wear makeup and some of them have babies.

I also think that this mellows with age. The other-women-don’t-like-me women usually realize at some point that the rest of the world isn’t just like their sisters and mother, or whoever it is that used to tease them about not acting girly enough.

28

I have no problem with other women, but they don’t seem to like me. My husband thought that I was making it up, until he saw me interacting with large groups of people. I try to be nice and friendly, have conversations about common interests, ect, but other women will do their best to find some excuse not to talk to me. I’m polite and reasonably well groomed, so that’s not it. I never have this problem with men.

I don’t feel competitive toward other women. Why would I? I have a job I like, a husband I love and we’re saving up for a house. I’ll gladly have conversations on anything from organic chemistry (my field) to make-up to sports. I don’t think most women are catty, although there are definitely some that are, just like there are men that are jerks.

My closest female friend has the exact same problem. She’s pretty much given up on trying to make more female friends, and I understand that. Even though I’m a long way from the playground, being continually shunned for no reason, or at least for not knowing the reason, still hurts. I’ve asked my male friends, who feel no need to spare my feelings when I ask them what I’m doing wrong, can’t come up with anything.

It’s also been my experience that women who say that they don’t get along with other women are no more or less insecure or bitchy than any other group of women.

29

gfloyd, I wanted to respond to you specifically because I’m a microbiologist, and I’ve seen this before… it seems to me that when I’m talking to women in non-scientific fields, I’m more likely to be ignored or shunned than when I’m talking to women in science or men of any profession. I really can’t explain it… it’s like as soon as I mention my job, some sort of wall goes up. Whether it’s to do with intimidation, insecurity, a feeling of isolation from science, or some other factor, I really don’t know, but I do know it happens. Maybe this is what’s happening with you?

(Also, and unrelatedly, I love your sig.)

30

nevermore, I generally don’t tell people what I do unless they ask. As when I say I’m an organic chemistry, I get this sort of disgusted look. I have to imagine it’s similar to the look that IRS auditors get when they tell people what they do. Plus, I get treated this way by other chemists, too.

But I think that you’re right about being in sciences. I sometimes get the feeling from people of both genders that they think I’m smarter than them and will look down on whatever it is that they do. I don’t behave that way. I learned long ago that you can’t judge someone by their career. I just wish other people would feel the same way about mine.

31

Which is why I don’t hang out with my SILs. Or practically any other female my age either. But then again I’m smack in the middle of surburbia. Maybe it’d be different if we lived in the city.

I think this is the origin of the “no female friends” issue. As kids and adolescents, females are cattier and nastier to their own sex more than, I think, anyone realizes. If you were the victim of such for whatever reason, you automatically shy away from them, even in adulthood.

32

My family gets my whole focus, so I don’t have anyone IRL I’d consider a friend. However, I find it easier to get along with males and I always have.

Women are frequently hostile to me because I am skinny. This is not my imagination; they are very direct about it. I point out that I have bad skin and a flat chest, and still get the "I hate you!"s and snarky comments about everything I eat. Why bother trying with these people?

And sometimes I do meet women (of varying sizes) that don’t have this hangup, and we like each other fine.

ETA: It also seems that a lot of women bond through male-bashing, and I’m not comfortable with that.

33

Likewise. Women who have mostly male friends, that’s cool. Women who say, “I can’t stand other women,” not so cool. I’ve very rarely met the woman who is only interested in Oprah, lipstick and catty drama. I like babies, clothes and knitting. I also like theater, Battlestar Galactica, gardening, beer, politics and medieval history. I’m happy to talk about any and all of these subjects at great length. I won’t bring up babies with my geeky single friends and I won’t bring up BSG with my new-mother, Oprah-loving sister-in-law.

I suspect that in groups of women who don’t know each other very well, the topics may center more around kids and pop culture, because these are “safe” topics that most adult women can identify with, just like sports are a safe topic for most adult men. Once you delve a little deeper, you find the interests are wider and deeper than you’d ever suspect on the surface.

34

It’s not that they don’t like me, it’s that they have as hard a time relating to me as I do to them. They’re not mean to me, and I’m not mean to them. After a while though, it becomes obvious that we’re looking at pretty much everything from a completely different perspective and that there is little point in trying to forge ahead with anything other than a casual acquaintance.

The problem comes in when it’s a woman I don’t know very well. First few questions are usually involving marriage or kids, and other stereotypically female topics. I have found that failure to show interest in these topics will not be met with acceptance and I just don’t have it in me to fake it.

This just made me think of something. I don’t really have to try to make guy friends. It just happens. Making friends with women is a lot of work for me, and is therefore less likely to happen.

Yeah, it’s a lot easier for me with scientist/engineer women than it is with other types of profession. They think more like I do, even if they have different interests than I do. It’s not what they think about, it’s how they think.

In my experience they tend to assume that I will identify with those topics and bring them up right away. When it is evident that I do not identify with those topics, that’s when things go to hell. It’s as if my lack of interest in typically female topics is considered a personal insult. And I’m fucked when it’s time for the group bathroom trip. I can tell right away if I will get along with a woman when she goes to take a piss. If she goes alone, she’s fine. If she looks at me like I need to come along, no good can come of it.

35

I don’t have many female friends, because I don’t socialize much outside of work, and I work in IT, which is a very male-dominated field. I absolutely do not compete with other women (I generally avoid competition with anybody over anything if at all possible).

36

This reminds me of a little anecdote…

I went to a wedding with my friend and his wife. I remember the details from the wedding like how neat the setting was (on a pier along the Cuyahoga River), the food, how nice the view was, the humor in the fact that a UFC event was going on right next door.

On the way home, all my friend’s wife talked about was what other people wore, what she wore, and who looked bad (as in “that dress made her look fat.”) I sat in the back seat listening to her, in sort of a daze. Then I think she asked my opinion on something and I said “That’s all pretty harsh. See [friend], now you know why other women kind of make me scared.”

I just don’t get that much exposure to the inner thoughts of other chicks. And then, sometimes when I do, it turns me off of wanting female friends.

Obviously, I know not all women are like that. But it makes me timid to want to be around other women to think that they are probably saying the same things about me.

37

Like Anne Neville, I work in IT and my circle of aquaintances is heavily skewed towards the male. And when I was in CEGEP and university, I was a member of the Sci-Fi/Gaming Association, likewise heavily skewed towards the male. So most of the people I spent enough time with to develop a close friendship with are male.

On the other hand, most of the women who are interested enough to break into these mostly Y-chromosomed groups, I get along quite well with and have some made some very close friends that way too.

To me it just seems like the people who are more likely to share my interests, at least vocally enough to attract my attention, be it science-fiction, roleplaying, or tinkering with computers, are mostly male.

38

I was going to ask gfloyd this very question-are you really pretty? Are you skinny? Sometimes that explains cattiness, even in my advanced age.

And as someone mentioned, when meeting new women, you look for topics.

Oprah? No

Shopping? No

Dieting? No

Living vicariously through my children? No, and then it becomes competitive. (And babe, just for the record, with five extraordinary kids, I got you beat both by their overall excellence, horror stories, and work load.) So, no, otherwise I seem like I am trying to best you and yours.

Men bashing? No, I actually like my spouse, most of the time. That’s why I married him.

Pampered Chef parties? Oh, hell no.

Now, if you want to talk about construction, houses, fishing, camping, horses,boats, snowmobiles, wakeboarding, etc, I’m all yours.

I have noticed though, if I am entering a room with both sexes, my default is to tend to gravitate towards the guys. It’s easier and more interesting.

39

I know so many women who aren’t into “girly” things, don’t watch Oprah, don’t have kids to talk about, and act like guys, that I wonder why women who don’t like “girly women” dismiss the other women who do share their interests. There seems to be an “I’m so special and unique” about that take on it, that, in my experience, is neither special nor unique. Its such a common thing among - in particular - young women - that you’d think that these women would find one another.

I do think there is an age thing as well. When you are a young woman you remember how deeply you were hurt by other women. Male friendships have different expectations around them as children/teenagers than female friendships. So you reject women, not wanting to get hurt again. Then you grow up. And the women around you grow up, too. And you find like minded women. And those deep wounds of female high school interaction become less common. Unless you have the bad fortune to be surrounded by women who don’t grow up and continue the nonsense of high school.

40

I should probably also point out that I am also complete pants at making small-talk with people I don’t know well, so if we haven’t met at a workplace or special-interest group where I have ready-made conversation topics, chances are people see me as being extremely aloof and/or uninteresting and very few of those meetings turn into friendships.