This is paradoxical! Some times I tried to start interesting threads and weren’t succesful. Now, I put a post with intention of a joke and it results in a succesful thread! (Well… for me, a thread with at least 20 posts is a succesful one) 
I just heard that Woody Allen’s Nintendo line and I thought it was funny… but you guys know more of him than I do.
Well, the real point is the original question that led me to this post: Lewis and Clark (new thread).
Interesting transcript there, Murc, but more than a few typos.
No, no, NO!
Not my work, Robot Arm, just pointing to it.
I don’t know where it’s from but I love the simplicity of, “I am at two with nature.”
‘The world will open up to you like a magnificent vagina’
I think that was in ‘Bullets over Broadway’
Then there was this one in ‘Holywood ending’ ‘You know what i like most about masturbation? Afterwards-the cuddling’
He is a funny guy.
Well, I’ve only seen Curse of the Jade Scorpion and Crimes and Misdemeanors, so my selection is rather limited, but there were two from Crimes and Misdemeanors that I liked.
“The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty”
When he and his niece are outside the theater looking for a cab, “There’s one now. If we hurry we can kick that old lady’s crutches out and beat her to it”
Also in that same scene, his reason for not trusting teachers
Oh, I know, but I thought that one line I cited was so glaringly wrong that it became bizarre on its own merits.
80% of success is showing up.
This is such a tremendously funny bit that I have it memorized and amuse myself by reciting it in a Woody Allen voice.
To complete it … (and even though I memorized it, perhaps I’m off a little …)
“The following morning, the Berkowitzes wake up. Mr. Berkowitz is shot, stuffed, and mounted at the New York Athletic Club. And the joke’s on them because it’s restricted.”
That ending might not even make sense if told by a comic today.
It wasn’t Lasser, but Allen’s first wife, Harlene – aka, “The Dread Mrs. Allen,” and it was about her sexual assault. Funny line, but the fact that he not only said such a horrible thing but then proceeded to incorporate it into his act should have clued us in early that he isn’t completely the loveable nebbish he’s pretended to be.
–Cliffy
You stopped before the best part!
"The next morning, Mr. Berkowitz wakes up, still in the moose costume. He ends up getting shot, stuffed, and hung in the dining room of the New york Athletic Club.
“But the joke’s on them, because it’s restricted!”
–Cliffy
Preview, Cliffy, preview!
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achive immortality through not dying.”
In Sleeper when he is revived after 200 years.
Keaton: “You haven’t had sex for two-hundred years.”
Allen: “Two-hundred-and-four if you count my marriage!”
“Swimming isn’t a sport, it’s a way to keep yourself from drowning.”
From Manhattan Murder Mystery
“Great! Claustrophobia and a dead body.” (on the discovery of said body while riding in a tiny elevator)
Was it just 80%? I thought it was 90%.
I seem to remember it was an interview, and he was explaining why he was a city guy and not a country guy. I got a real kick out of that one, too.
Jade Scorpion:
Woman: “There’s a word for someone who thinks the entire world is out to get him.”
Woody: “Yeah. Perceptive.”
Priest: This is a picture of a jew. (Shows drawing, but it cannot be seen by camera.)
Young Boris: Interesting. Do they all have these horns?
–Cliffy
P.S. I bet dantheman doesn’t come up with this one!