In “The Sunshine Boys”, Woody Allen shot the best single line of all his career (and is presumably from Neil Simon’s):
“Excuse me, I have Nintendo lessons at three o’ clock” (words are not accurate).
I think Woody Allen’s best line is “don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” or something similar; I can’t remember the exact wording.
Of coures, Annie Hall has a wealth of great quotes too:
“My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks”
“They did not take me in the Army. I was, um, interestingly enough, I was, I was 4-P. Yes. In the, in the event of war, I’m a hostage.”
“Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat… college”
“To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition.”
“There’s no bad sex. The worst I’ve ever had was right on the money.”
Or something like that.
I always liked, from Zelig, “I’m teaching a class in masturbation, and if I’m late, they start without me.”
Danny Rose had a lot of great ones. Mia Farrow claims she doesn’t believe in guilt.
“What do you mean?!?! How can you not feel guilty??? My rabbi used to say we’re all guilty in the eyes of god.”
“Do you believe in god?”
“No … but I feel guilty about it.”
"Emily Dickinson said that Hope was the thing with feathers.
Hope is not the thing with feathers. My cousin Heinrich is the thing with feathers. We are taking him to see a specialist."
From Love and Death
To Bernadette Peters in Annie Hall:
“I’m a bigot. But for the left, fortunately.”
From Sleeper, after being told the authorities would electronically ‘simplify’ his brain if they caught him:
“My brain? It’s my second favorite organ.”
In Love and Death a woman tells him he is a wonderful lover:
Yes, well I practice a lot when I’m alone.
One that comes to mind is:
“Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.” - Love and Death.
Another one is:
“All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I’m driving a used car.” - Manhattan Murder Mystery.
Not quite.
First, we set up the scene.
Allen is at a cocktail party. A blond bimbo is telling a group of guys that her analyst told her that her orgasms weren’t really the “right kind of orgasm”.
Woody says: The right kind? Every one I ever had was right on the money.
Another,from, I think, Take the money and run. Again, we need the set up.
Allen is in prison, and he is gonna break out with a group of hardened criminals. As they are breaking out, Allen and another convict are sneaking along a wall. The warden and guards are searching for them from an elevated site. They see someone down in the yard. The warden says to open fire. But a guard? says “Sir! that’s your daughter down there, kissing Kowalski.”
The warden says, “Is Kowalski a midget?”
“No” is the reply.
“Open fire!”, says the warden.
[sub]Of course, there’s the “a spider as big as a Buick” line.[/sub]
I heard one of his old standup routines about going moose hunting, and he shot a moose and tied it to his car and drove back to the city. But the moose was only knocked out and came to while driving through the Holland Tunnel. So, naturally, he tries to ditch the moose at a costume party.
[sub]Try to read this to yourself in a Woody Allen voice. Delivery is everything.[/sub]
“Twelve o’clock comes, they give out prizes for the best costume of the night. First prize goes to the Berkowitzes, a married couple dressed as a moose. The moose comes in second. The moose is furious. He and the Berkowitzes lock antlers in the living room. They knock each other unconscious. Now, I figure, here’s my chance. I grab the moose, strap him on my fender, and shoot back to the woods. But I’ve got the Berkowitzes…”
from memory:
“She said I was a terrible lover. I don’t know how she can make such a sweeping generalization based on an experience of two minutes.”
(And he said that Dissent and Commentary were merging to form Dysentery.)
Gassendi writes:
> To Bernadette Peters in Annie Hall:
> “I’m a bigot. But for the left, fortunately.”
To Carol Kane, actually.
I think it was on Mike Douglas.
<paraphrase>
MD: So, you don’t think your parents loved you?
WA: That’s right. I think they were persecuting me for my faith.
</paraphrase>
Not a line, but a visual joke.
in Hannah and Her Sisters, Woody’s character is having a crisis of faith, and decides to become a Catholic. He arrive home with a bag, and takes out a crucifix, a rosary, a loaf of Wonder Bread and a jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise.
I saw it in Houston, Texas, and no one else got it.
Regarding ex wife Louise Lasser who got a driving ticket, “Well I know it wasn’t a moving yiolation.”
Sorry, the above may have been regarding an attempted sexual attack in Central Park.
I believe this is from Play it Again Sam (and I’m paraphrasing):
WA is desperately trying to meet women to date. He goes to a modern art museum where he finds a woman admiring an abstract painting:
WA: What do you see in this painting.
Woman: The bleak meaningless of life. The complete nothingness of existence. [etc, etc, etc.]
WA: What are you doing Saturday night?
Woman: [blank stare] Commiting suicide.
WA: How about Friday night?
A roommate of mine had his Standup Comic album, one line that stuck with me was: “I’m not a fighter…I have bad reflexes…I was once ran over by a car with a flat tire being pushed by two guys.”
For anyone interested, the entire album is transcribed here.