LIfe goes on…
The Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan supported us while I was in school, so I don’t see a problem. I did the same while she got her master’s. That is what marriage is for.
Regards,
Shodan
I love the poll options too 
I think:
- Assuming he genuinely wants to be with her, he should take some sort of help.
- It’s not a good idea to become completely dependent on someone (partner, relative) without some sort of plan. Most people will never be happy lounging round the house all day, even if they think they will. But taking a job you enjoy, or pursuing some other acheivement that’s not monetary is fine. Lots of people do this.
- It’s more traditional to have a woman dependant on a man than vice versa, and that’s sexist of society, and is a sexist assumption embedded in most people, but that doesn’t make you a bad person; he should consider it, and then decide not to care about it.
Where are you getting five years from? It says Diane has been worrying for a few months but nothing about how long he’s known her.
Jack divorces at 30. They meet a few years after the divorce (when he’s 32/33/34). Now he’s “pushing 40” (38/39). So they’ve known each other for a minimum of four years, possibly as long as six.
Like most of Skald’s hypotheticals, this one falls apart if you think about it too hard.
And by six, I mean seven. :smack:
I call BULLSH*T.
You really expect me to accept this premise?!
Outrageous!
To answer your question, I’d tell him to accept the offer (partly in the hope he would throw some of the extra cash my way), but mostly to take the chance to do something he liked to do.
I’d want to be married. Being simply kept isn’t my thing.
But as to being in school with a plan to work - I’d want to have a plan. I think ANY woman who intends to be a SAHW needs a plan to keep herself busy - if that is kids, that’s great. If that is volunteer work, or pursuing art or writing, or paid work - doesn’t make a difference - but it has to be a bigger deal than reading romance novels and leveling your WoW character. I think the same goes for any man that is going to be a SHAH.
Additionally, I’d want insurance - I’d either want a pre-nup that includes a payout big enough to live on if I’m going to sit on my butt for five years, and from someone like Diane, that is what I’d be looking for. From someone not independently wealthy, I don’t expect their future work to support me after we break up - so my insurance would be a paying or volunteer job that I could farm into a living it I had to.
If this is a mere friendship between economic unequals, I believe the way you free your poorer friend from the toils of a real life is to provide him or her with a job to maintain the illusion of independence. You need a personal secretary to call your accountant and book your manicures. Or you give your best girlfriend her own talk show.
I tell Jack the same thing I would tell a female in the same situation - Love can conquer most things but money is it’s biggest hurdle.
If he wants to accept the offer he needs to have a long conversation with Diane and and explain that his hesitance has less to do with the money itself and more to do with how she’ll view him if he takes it. Obviously he’s not going to want to continue doing what he’s doing now - that’s what Diane is worried about anyway but he’s also not going to be happy sitting and doing nothing. Melinda Gates is an excellent role model in how to take your spouses cash and not look like a slacker living off the teat.
Use the cash to create something together that they are both interested and excited by - if it’s a charity so much the better.
I think it’s the perfectly normal and understandable reaction to being asked to suddenly redefine yourself and your contribution to society and a relationship. Most women who have worked all their lives and start staying home go through the exact same thing.
+1
This is the chance of a lifetime to do whatever it is you want to do. Having a ton of money tends to run into a job in itself managing your life depending on how you live it. The 5,000 square foot house in the hills? Who is keeping tabs on the maids and grounds keepers? Meet with the lawyer on an issue with the trust, meet with the accountant, figure out what to wear to the charity auction thursday, it ends up being a full time job just being a good philanthropist.
In addition, in many things, its alot nicer just to have someone to share your experiences with, someone who has your back, someone to smack you upside the head if you start planning something stupid. I’m sure the last one is a big one for someone like diane. Having someone you love and trust that has lived a little more average life is going to be a little more realistic about alot of things and is hopefully going to say, “WTF” when she expresses her desire to invest in well bridged swamp property.
At the same time, if he actually likes what he does and has the option of starting his own business with the support and financial backing to start it off right from day one and be in a position to only take the work he wants or likes as opposed to having to jump on every project to make sure you can pay your mortgage.
For example if he is an auto mechanic, he could open a custom hot rod shop or something like that, do up a few sample cars, advertise heavily, wait for customers, I have a customer much like that (not uber rich, but his g/f owns a pretty solid business that I provide computer support to as well). He does custom motorcycles and if there is a lack of customers, they scoop up a few used bikes, trick them out, and resell.
He’d be a fool not to go for it. If he wants to better himself, he can better himself. If he wants to float, he can float. Either option is better than his current position.
Sounds like Diane has some self-esteem issues.
But honestly, if you’re in love, you’re in love. Go live your lives together. Clearly Diane isn’t a lazy no-goods spoiled brat. Why would Jack be? And if she wants to pay for his college or whatever, go for it. Or maybe he has a solid business plan. Or they may want to run a charity. Whatever.
As long as people are being productive with their lives and contributing to society, who gives a damn?
I see no problem. The only problem would be him having to stay in the relationship because he couldn’t support himself. But seeing as she’s willing to marry him right now with no prenup (as “everything that is mine will be yours” indicates). So he should be able to get money out of her if they divorce.
The only problem I see is pride. And all the solutions mentioned here deal with that quite well. Oh, and fulfillment, but there are other ways to feel fulfilled besides having a job.
Your OP doesn’t really match your thread title. Is he concerned because he thinks there’s something per se wrong with a woman supporting a man, or because he doesn’t want to be perceived as a mooch? You need to be more clear about what his motivations are. I can’t tell if his attitudes towards women in general are sexist if you don’t tell us what they are.
See, now I’m torn. On the one hand your unwonted specificity is a trifle vexing and moves me to threaten you with a flaming bee attack. On the other hand you have given me an excuse to use the phrases “unwonted specificity” and “trifle vexing,” which makes me happy. On the other other hand I don’t actually have any flaming bees so any threat involving them would expose my impuissance. I’m just now sure how to feel here.
Anyway, the problem with your complaint is that you’re assuming facts not in evidence. The only hard number given in the scenario is that Jack was 30 when he divorced. The OP doesn’t even say he meets Diane “a few years” afterwards; it says “some years.” Some is quite indeterminate. It could as easily be 9 years rather than 2. The OP also says that they don’t start dating immediately-- that Diane has to pursue him for “some time.” That’s even more indeterminate. I see nothing in the OP that says they have been dating for five years as you suggest.
Four things:
- I have made a note to think of you as “Cassius” henceforth. I’ll still type “Justin” when I address you though.
- I freely admit that most of my hypos are not tightly plotted. I make them up as I go along and give 'em a perfunctory proofreading to make sure I haven’t mis-spelled anything too egregiously. If I were writing this for publication (which I wouldn’t, as I’ve cast Calliope out of my heart), I would have fussed and obsessed and created a timeline and searched endlessly for the perfect, subtly allusive, wonderfully euphonious names for the characters rather than ripping of Mellancamp. Cougar. Whatever his name is now.
- You insistence that J & D must have been dating for five years, or even friends for that long, seems perverse to me.
- I don’t actually have four things. I make up my responses to posts as I go along too.
That’s intentional. The whole thing is a stealth way to propose marriage; did no one notice?
Dio, in response to your legitimate observation, I’ll just say that I make these things up as I go along. I start with a thread title, see if it’ll fit, and then let fly. But I will add that
Your OP says no such thing. “A few years after” is a direct quote:
As written, there’s no way this scenario plays out when it does. It would have happened years earlier in their friendship/relationship. And don’t tell me it has anything to do with dating, because as written, Diane would absolutely try to help out Jack in a monetary way just as friends.
That said, he’s not sexist for thinking about it, but he’d be a moron if he didn’t take her up on the offer in some way. It would probably cause a rift in their relationship as well.
You’re right & I’m wrong; I had “some time” and “some years” mixed up. But so what? “a few years after the divorce” could easily be 5 or 6 years. “Pushing 40” could easily be 37 or 38.
And I don’t agree that Diane would absolutely try to help Jack out when they were just friends. In fact I think she’d be chary of doing so, because it’s explicit in the stroy above that she’s attracted from the get-go, while he’s so wary of being thought a gold-digger that she has to pursue him for an indeterminate time to get him to make the relationship romantic. It would be foolish of her (even more foolish than she is written as being) to have offered him money during a period when they were merely friends; it’d be likely to bother him and make an eventual meeting of the groins less likely.
Wait. What’s the antecedent of “it” in your last sentence? that is, do you mean that taking the money would cause a rift, or that refusing to take the money would cause a rift, or that her simply making the offer would cause a rift?
To everybody still reading:
The reason I used the term “sexist” is that it seems to me that Jack has no problem with the idea of a man supporting a woman, but very clearly has a problem with the reverse. That’s a benign sort of sexism, but it’s still sexist.
I don’t think it’s sexist. I think it’s a valid concern whether the sexes are thus, or reversed.
My advice would hinge on a few questions. Does he work 70 hours a week because he wants to, or because he has to? If he doesn’t absolutely love his work, and wants further education, he should take her up on this opportunity to go to college. It would be stupid not to. Then, even if things don’t work out with her in the long term, he has the degree taken care of.
If it makes him feel better, he could offer to sign a pre-nup in case they get divorced down the road, to assure her and himself that he won’t take her to the cleaners. Because then even if they DO divorce, he’ll still come out of it with better earning potential.