What does she want?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Where to start? About a month ago I met a lady whom I really thought I connected with.
We hung out a few times always talking and really connecting. We seemed to have so much in common. Last weekend, (just happened to be on my birthday). We had some wine at her place and then stepped out for Japanese food and sake. We both got a bit tipsy and we returned back to her place. Since we were a bit tipsy, I decided to go home and told her so. She told me to stay, then came up to me and began undressing. She was completely in charge. She new exactly how she wanted it, and was ordering me in to various positions. She had four orgasms. When we were done, she told me to get dressed and ordered me to leave. I confess I felt a bit used.

The next day, she calls me around noon. I can hear on her voice that she is nervous. Then she apologized for her behavior the previous evening and told me she couldn’t remember anything. I know a lie when I hear one. She was lying, I could tell from her voice. I told her we had sex and her feigned surprise was also an obvious lie. Then she told me she has a boy friend. Actually a guy I know. I never knew the two were an item. She begs me not to tell him. Now I am confused and disappointed. She explains that she has been going out with the guy for ten years and admits it’s shaky between them. I certainly don’t want to get between their problems and do not want to be a cause for any further complications they may have. So sadly I tell her that the previous evening never happened as she seemed to want. She calls me two more times that same day. I try to have a conversation on anything but what happened. Each time, she seems to get upset and hangs up.

Help! I am no mind reader! I can’t figure out what she wants! Can anyone suggest what I should do? What is my next move here? Or is she just playing mind games? Why can’t she just spit it out and tell me what’s on her mind?

Sometimes women just confuse me completely. No offense meant!

Jack

2

Run as fast and as far as you can. This is not a time to worry about what she wants; this is a time for self-preservation.

It’s not a woman-specific thing happening here; guys can follow the same sort of pattern (with different specifics) and wreck women’s lives too. Ever wonder why abusive guys always seem to have devoted GFs? Remember the Offspring song, “Self Esteem?” It’s all the same kind of emotional abuse.

If you try and stay with her and please her, she will continue to use you. Further, she may do something similar with another guy sometime down the line. In any case, you’ll never be sure about her motivations or your status, and that’s a crappy way to live.

If you write it off as an isolated incident, she will also continue to use you. You’re also leaving yourself open for other attention-getting ploys on her part.

I thought I had more to say about this, but I don’t. At any rate, it won’t sound like helpful advice but more of the rant you just read. Somebody help this poor dude before he gets in any deeper with this lunachick.

3

Stay away from her. It doesn’t matter what chemistry you felt you had with her if you walk away from your first sexual encounter feeling used and lied to.

4

This is one of those conversations I’m really good at handling with real life friends, on the telephone…
Let’s see how well I can screw it up onscreen :eek:

1st. This woman obviously found you attractive in some way.
Perhaps it was emotionally - Hence her very harsh handling of your sexual encounter. Or perhaps she was only looking for a bit of unknown sexual territory, outside her troubled realtionship.

She may have thought, felt, intended alot of different things, but since I am no mind reader either, and can only guess, as to what her actions might mean, based on what they might mean if I were to behave as such.

The fact is - She consentually engaged in a sexual encounter with you, handled it rather abrasively, then pretended as if she did not remember (Which in essence, is blaming her behaviour 100% on the alcohol) I find this a revolting personality trait myself.

That shows one of several things.
Either:
She thinks she was terrible in bed, and is embarassed at the possibility of such…

She thinks you were terrible in bed and is too cheap to come out and say what she is thinking, for the sake of giving you a heads up…

Or After the arousal passed, she realized she was happier in the relationship she has, and is terrified of jeapordizing it. (Which she should have thought of prior to sleeping with another man)

Why she hangs up on you … I can only guess, is a result of Anger. And in my opinion, anger is something that most people use, to hide hurt. Perhaps she wanted to hear you say something, ask something… I dont know what, but there must be something she is looking to hear & is being set off because she isnt getting what she wants.

Try telling her you enjoyed it, or didn’t enjoy it (Whichever is true.) Ask her why she never told you about the SO she’s been with for 10 years… Explain to her that if you had been made clear on her position, it would have been easier for you to make sound judgements BEFORE either of you regretted them.

I would give her one more phonecall, to ask these things, and seek a few answers that might put a little closure on things from your end… And then forget she lives on this planet. Do not call, write, email, talk to, be seen with, go out with, make plans with, or even think about this woman.

Being manipulated like a little sexual puppet is no way to be treated by anyone(Unless you specifically ask for it) Being deceived, insulted, shouted at, used and forgotten, are definately not things one should look for in a healthy relationship, or friendship, and if she cannot provide a legitimate, sincere explanation for her psychotic behaviour… tell her you’d feel better if the 2 of you had no further contact, and leave it at that.

If you let her play this game with you, and accept it, she will undoubtedly think that she can do it anytime she feels the urge to pull on your strings. And you simply don’t need that from anyone.

5

Cap & Audrey,

Thanks for the advice. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I suppose it was what I needed to hear. It’s so typical, you find someone you really like and she turns out to be a psycho.

Yet… I don’t think she is being a psycho though. Perhaps she really wants to get out of the relationship she is in currently? After all, if they’ve been going out for ten years and aren’t married yet, there’s something wrong there right. Perhaps after ten years she doesn’t know how to break up with the other guy and is hoping I come in and help her out? Couldn’t it be?

Seriously, we seemed to connect on all other levels.

Jack

6

Yes, I think I’m going to try this.

Wouldn’t this depend on what she says to the above conversation?

7

Something i wanted to also say - That could be a very real possibility. But don’t let her play games with you, if that’s what she’s really thinking… She may just be too afraid to say that outloud. Try to get her to talk “sincerily” and openly… and you do the same.

8

oopsie, i meant "At least give her the opportunity, to redeem herself with the phonecall, or meeting… and if that yields undesirable results… then proceed with forgetting about her… Sorry i yack too fast and don’t get it all in as i mean it. :eek:

9

I look at it this way: if she really wants to get out of her current relationship, it’s her job to break the news to her SO, not yours. Expecting you to come in and help her is the coward’s way out.

Even if she’s dying to break up with him, she has no business getting involved with you before she breaks up with him. Personally, I’d be reluctant about dating someone who is basically cheating on their SO. You already feel she may have used you for sex; what’s to stop her from cheating on you?

If you want to, try talking to her one more time to see if you can find out what the heck’s going on. Get a sense of closure, as Azura put it, if there’s any to be gained. But as she’s treated you shabbily so far, I wouldn’t be hoping for too much to come from it.

I don’t think she’s psycho. I just think she has issues, and by continuing to see her, they become your issues. You don’t need that. There are decent girls out there (like me! :D), and they would treat you better than this girl ever could.

My words are rather harsh, and I’m sorry for that, NiceGuyJack. If it means anything to you, you seem deserving of your name.

(And being a nice guy isn’t the curse it’s perceived to be.)

10

Thanks for all the advice. I have said and thought these things too in regards to others in similar situations. Yet here I am and all clarity seems to have disappeared. It seems so odd. I like saying “Seeing the sky from the bottom of a well” when referring to someone who is not seeing the whole picture (or refusing to see the whole picture). It seems I have now found myself in the bottom of that well.

I will call her later today. See if I can’t get out of the well.

Jack

11

I never got a chance to call her. She called me instead and asked me if I was free on Saturday to: 1) Go shopping for presents during the day; and 2) Be her escort to a party at her bosses house.
I said yes, which seemed to please her. Plus it made sense since her boss lives just a few blocks from my place. The events from last weekend were never mentioned. She called twice more just to chat and it seemed like we were back to where we were before last weekend. So I guess things are back to normal. I really appreciate all the advice.

Thanks.

Jack

12

this will not have a happy ending. This woman has serious issues she has to deal with before she can offer anyone a meaningful relationship. If you continue to see this woman, you will not only cause friction with the guy you know, but you are setting yourself up to be the jerk in the whole situation. Her BF will eventually find out about the affair. Have no doubt about this.

By continuing to see her on a social level after finding out about her BF (that you know personally), you are allowing yourself to become The Other Man and you know how people react to that. You don’t want to become a pariah in your social group. The only way to defend yourself is to end this relationship now, completely, and permanently. No phone calls, no e-mail, no shoppping trips, nothing.

I know it’s hard, but it is the best thing for both of you.

13

Things are back to normal? What is it that you deem normal? The lady has a boyfriend already. What do you think you are doing by agreeing to accompany her to anything?
Where is her SO during all this shopping and partying that is going on?
My best advice to you is for you to back completely out of the picture until she has come to some decision about her situation. Simply tell her that when she has broken it off with her current boyfriend that you would rather not get involved. You are setting yourself up for a heartache. She already has a boyfriend, what do you consider yourself?

14

If she’s lying about rembering having sex with you, I wouldn’t trust her very far.

FWIW, personally, I’d talk to the BF /ex-BF (whatever) and make sure he knows what’s going on. As you said, you don’t want to be caught up in the middle of their relationship. If she’s lying about remembering the last “encounter”, I’d want to make sure everything was out in the open for everyone before going near this girl again.

Better to work out any potential issues now than wait for them to explode later.

15

Jack, I have to tell you, my initial response when I read this was “No, no, no, no, no.” I guess that pretty much sums up my feelings about your whole relationship with this woman. It’s not right on just about every level it could be wrong on. Have you had healthy, normal relationships in the past? How does this one compare to those? I’m guessing it wouldn’t stand up to a comparison like that. Also, just a total WAG here, but I’m getting a feeling that you and her boyfriend aren’t the only ones this woman has dangling on a string. Jeeze, I’m being pretty hard on you - I don’t intend to hurt your feelings, but I think you need to get away from this bad news person as soon as possible. The deeper you get with her, the harder it will be to get out. Please, keep us posted with how things are going. You can use that as an indicator of how healthy things are - if you don’t want anyone to know what’s going on between you, that’s a sign to get out, right away.

16

Last Saturday, she called and cancelled the shopping thing. Which was okay with me, I hate shopping.

Later, she came over to my place, and from there we went to the party at her bosses place.
It was a stiff cocktail party with some dinner served. It was okay. A few hours later we leave. On the street, we grab a taxi and head for my place, (it being closest). When the taxi stopped at my place, I gave her a peck on the cheek, said goodbye, and jumped out and closed the door before she could follow. During our time together, we were comfortable around each other, of course it was mostly with other people, perhaps not the ideal situation to find out what is truly going on in her mind.

That was it. I confess I did not get the impression that she was ready for another roll in the hay, at least not this time. On the other hand she does want to see me again. This week and next week I am traveling on business and I wont get to meet up with her. Probably a good thing. Allows more time to cool off. From all the advice from everyone here and from my own pondering, I don’t know if I shall meet up with her again. At least not one on one. Who knows how my reaction will be when she calls next time. Which will probably be tomorrow evening. She knows when I’m returning from my business trip.

I will keep you updated. I confess, keeping a record on this thread and reading everyone’s advice and opinions is truly helpful.

Thanks everyone.

Jack

17

Hey Jack. You’re being used.

Now, if all you want is to be used, then go ahead and shtup her.

18

You’re like a pig that can’t tear itself away from the trough even though the slop is toxic and the other pigs are trying to nudge you away. It’s sometimes interesting to tango with danger but you will windup between two slices of bread akong with the tomatoes, mayo and lettuce before too long. Think you’re too smart for that to happen then think again porky.

19

Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t that be “schtup”? As in Lily von Schtup? Or is my yiddish messed up? It wouldn’t be the first time, if it was.

20

She called and wanted to have lunch together with another friend of hers. I said no, mainly because I didn’t have time. Is she trying to set me up with her friend? That wouldn’t be bad. Would it?

Anyway, on Saturday night I went to a local bar I like. (It’s actually the place I met her the first time). I go there sometimes 'cause I like jamming and I get to play.
Anyway, her alleged significant other was there. I had a few beers with him and boy did I feel guilty. In my mind I kept hearing a voice saying “I had sex with your girlfriend” over and over again. I’m surprised I didn’t blurt it out. I did not like myself then. I felt like a traitor and the knife in his back seemed huge. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty as she was the one to screw around on him and I didn’t know they were together until after the event. One thing is certain though. I think that was my wake up call.

Not so Nice Guy Jack