First of all I’d like to say that writing this is difficult for me. I’ve never been one to contribute to other’s “problem” threads and I think that’s probably a symptom of the troubles I’m having.
Where to start?
Some of you know that my wife and I have been separated for a few months. Obviously this in itself has been very hard on both of us. We have been in communication with each other, but this has generated not only understanding but confusion as well. One thing I’ve come to understand recently is an issue I have around trust. In all of our conversations, I have isolated what I’ve been feeling and thinking and pointing it all at her. I’ve not really shared anything with anyone else. Not my family, not my friends, not any professionals. On the other hand, Alice attends support groups and talks to her sisters and her friends about everything that’s going on with us. This has created a major imbalance in how we are both dealing with this.
So I am writing this in an attempt to reach out, to test my “trust legs”, so to speak. And let me tell you, I’m scared as hell. But I’m pretty sure I can trust my fellow Dopers. Besides, I really have nothing to lose.
Here goes (brace yourselves)…
The problems we are having, I think, can be boiled down to one over riding thing. Sexual identity. I knew long before we got married that Alice was bisexual. She never made that a secret. At first I was concerned, but as I though about it, and thought about how much she meant to me, I decided that it was something that wouldn’t be a wall between us. And for a great deal, it wasn’t. Before we were married, we had gone through a few spells where it arose - her trouble identifying as a girlfriend or a wife or reconciling it with her sexual identity. We talked about it and usually came to some sort or clarity or enlightenment.
But before I go on, I don’t want anyone to think that this is entirely an “Alice” problem. I was (and still am) struggling with my own issues as it relates to sexuality. I had suffered some sexual trauma as a child, and this has clouded a great many relationships that I’ve been in (this is also probably an indication why “trust” is a big issue for me).
So when Alice would bring up problems she was having, the fact that I had major issues as well didn’t make for a smooth meeting of issues, if you see what I mean. Both her issues and mine lead to a breakdown in communication, openness and intimacy.
Usually the clarity we would come to would be that we needed to do something to make sure the issue wouldn’t arise again. And we never did. Why? I don’t know. In fact, this phrase has come up several times in our conversations - “what were we waiting for?” and the only thing I could ever think of is “I don’t know”. This has been a constant in my life that I am not proud of. Why didn’t you do better in school? I don’t know. Why didn’t you go for the job you wanted instead the one you could get easily? I don’t know. Why didn’t you do something about your financial troubles? I don’t know.
Now the only thing I do know is that I want to know.
Meanwhile back at the ranch …
My emotional well-being is precarious … Another issue that I recently realized that has arisen between us is Co-dependency vs. Selfishness. That’s a huge span to get over. Whenever I tell Alice that she means more to me than anything and that I’m willing to fight for our relationship, she perceives that as completely co-dependent and unhealthy. Conversely, when ever she says to me that she just wants to make sure that we are both treating ourselves fairly, regardless of whether or not we are together, and it might be better if we let go and move on, I perceive it as fatalistic and unhealthy. I have a hard time seeing why our relationship should be sacrificed, and she has a hard time seeing why we should attempt a compromise. Bringing these two views together is Herculean, but I can only hope it’s possible.
I’m beating a little around the generalizing bush. I’d like to talk about the latest rash if insecurities that came up for me.
We had had a conversation that didn’t go too well. Later, Alice called me in tears telling me she felt like a total hard-ass and she wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me. I appreciated that and felt bad that that’s the way the conversation ended. We agreed that while we couldn’t be laying heavy shit on each other constantly, we shouldn’t hesitate to talk if we felt it was important.
A few days later, when she was helping me move - I was using her phone to make a call and in an attempt to find the redial, I ran across the phone number of an old girlfriend of hers. I mentioned it and she assured me there was nothing between them anymore. And I believed her. However, my own insecurities lead that to gnaw on me.
I wrote her an email asking her if her feelings for an old relationship had anything to do with our separation. She assured me again that they didn’t (but that they had talked from time to time as friends) - and I felt like a shit for asking.
In that same letter, I asked her what she thought we might accomplish through mutual therapy. More to the point, I wanted to know if she suggested therapy together as a way to merely soften the blow in asking for a divorce.
Her response was very in depth and sounded pretty damn final, including her admission that my “softening the blow” theory wasn’t entirely excluded from her thinking. The letter was fraught with phrases like “moving on” and “I don’t want to stand in each other’s way”. I was devastated.
That was what led me to ask for another face to face. We got together and had a really good talk where I laid out all my feelings and fears in a much more coherent way than I’ve ever done before. I felt good after we talked.
Mere hours later, my insecurities came rushing back, and all I could think of is how much “moving on” would hurt.
I am not prepared to be without her in my life. She seems to be very prepared not to have me in hers. Actually, that is too cut and dried, but when I think of this I come close to breaking down completely.
I spend my days constantly on the verge of tears. I’m having trouble eating and sleeping and my work is suffering. I need to find perspective and clarity, but I am overwhelmed with the feeling that the most important commitment I have ever made is falling apart. I don’t want Alice to be unhappy. I don’t want to be unhappy. But I don’t want to be without her. I am truly troubled by all of this. My next step is professional therapy, as soon as possible, but I don’t know whether it will be by myself or with Alice. We have both expressed openness to either situation.
So there are my troubles in a nutshell. I welcome any and all advice or support from whomever feels secure enough with themselves to offer it.
Just a few more things…
1 - If you read this and you’d like to say something constructive to me - I welcome it.
2 - If you read this and you think I’m a big pussy and you hate TMI threads - tough shit. I wrote it, I posted it, I am prepared to deal with it. You may as well not post negatively, because it will just be ignored.
3 - If you really want to email me, my email address in my profile is good but it’s easier to get to me through Snotmail - m_slowik@hotmail.com.
4 - Go easy on the {{{{ }}}}'s. Those things freak me out.
Thanks in advance to everybody. Believe it or not, I am hanging in there as best as I can. I hope this “trust” deal works out.
