I am an emotional wreck - (Warning Long and TMI)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Just for another viewpoint from someone who’s therapist-unfriendly in a rather abstract way. In times of intense stress, people are vulnerable to manipulative narratives really getting inside their brains and messing things around. Narrative is essentially what therapy is all about; the good therapists will use it responsibly, and with you; the mediocre-to-bad ones will use it irresponsibly and at you. So, sure, give therapy a shot, but be very wary of the urge to cling to the first one you find–you get even the slightest bad vibe from dealing with one, get out. You’ll be paying them; they work for you.

No one can cast judgment on your relationship and where it’s going, so I’ll just comment in broad strokes. A relationship takes hard committed work from every person involved in it. Lack of that, from either or both, will kill it.

Further broad strokes: when someone has acted in a certain manner, they are very much likely to do so again. People are cyclical critters.

My unsupported gut hunch is that the both of you are cautiously and unhealthfully circling around matters, both afraid to actually reach out and grasp them because the likelihood is that in so doing, the threads that previously bound you together will no longer be there. That’s certainly painful, but the longer the cautious circling goes on, the more unhealthy things will get. So don’t.

Narratives: the more you dwell on this being a or the definining moment in your life, the deeper the emotional hole you dig for yourself. Stop it. Life doesn’t have a scoreboard. The value of things are different than the duration of things. Relationships are born, and relationships do die. They also go through ups and downs, and sometimes they look like they’re dying when that’s not necessarily the case.

Anyway, good luck, however the bones roll out.

22

Now I’ve gone and opened the flood gates and I can’t seem to shut up.

Let me say again how much I appreciate everybody’s input. It is all taken with proper consideration - even the stuff I don’t really want to hear. I do feel a little stronger for sharing and hearing. Thank you.

Right now I’m feeling both excited and nervous about therapy. I want to do it, but I’m afraid about two things - 1-coming to terms with stuff that, at the moment, I don’t feel prepared for, and 2-finding the right one.
Trust. It’s a big deal for me right now, I wouldn’t want the problem to get in the way of the solution.

Snooooopy, yes I do believe I’ll still be up for the Bay to Breakers. I’m trying to do all I can not to hermitize and just sit and feel sorry for myself. That’s pretty much why I told you why I wanted to do it in the first place. No, I mean, how could I pass up a chance to spend an afternoon with you, you big stud-muffin.

Zen, I appreciate that thought, and I would absolutely love to get together with my fellow Dopers anytime anywhere, however, I am a little guarded against being the center of a pity party. If I can be the catalyst for a Dopefest - cool, but I don’t want to feel like Christ at the last supper, knowwaddImean? In conclusion, tell me when and where and I’ll be there.

I may be calling on some or all of you in the near future, be prepared - it’s all a part of my new personally developed program of trusting people (at least those I have an intelligently considered reason to trust - I’m not going to go lending strangers in the vario any money or anything).

Right now I feel less overwhelmed, but still limboish. I’m considering all possibilities that may come up, rooting for some and cursing others, but trying to remain open and rational about them all. But it isn’t easy.

I’ll stop gushing now. But at the risk of sounding cavelier or ingenuous or anything … I love you guys.

:smiley:

23

I’d be interested in a BAD rallying 'round… but Sat. the 19th is zyzzyva’s AIDS Ride fundraiser party with the rest of his cycling team, so neither he nor I would be able to make it that day…

24

No, you can’t have my collection of dolphin porn, no matter how many different ingenious ways you feel you can ingratiate yourself to me.

As as far as therapy goes, good luck. Be upfront with what you are looking for, and I think you will be able to find someone who is willing to suit your needs. I think it is pretty damn wonderful how much you were able to open up in this thread, and how much it has helped you already. Keep on growing and things will improve for you. Great job.

pat

25

I’m sure you know this already, but we all gotta face our demons. But, i’m glad you’re working on this Jack. I’d hate to see things come crashing down for you. It’s great that you’re opening yourself up. To me, it sounds like you’re already on the road to working on your issues with trust.

I agree with pat, be upfront in therapy, dont hold back. The therapist can only work with what you give them. Trust your instincts with the therapist, and go with one you feel comfortable with.

I too would be interested in a BAD rallying around…unfortunately i’m locked up with stuff each weekend for the rest of this month (tomorrow early registration for freshmen, then a piercing thing on the 19th, then SLO with pat on the 26th)and also much of june
:(. But i guess i’ll see what’s up.

26

Jack-

I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t already been said, but I wanted to tell you this.

I went through a really hard time recently, and I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating. Just like you. For me, when I am upset, sleep is the first thing to go. Get into therapy, by all means. I think everyone could use it, sometimes more than others. But also, call your doctor and get him to prescribe Halcion, for help sleeping. It is amazing how much worse things feel when you haven’t slept in a week or two. Four nights I took them, got some sleep, and then I didn’t need them anymore. I was still unhappy and upset, but at last I was ME dealing with things, instead of some stranger walking around trying to get through the things I HAD to do so I could get home and get some sleep…which never seemed to come.

I’m sorry, Jack. I hope you and Alice can work things out. But if you can’t, you will make it. You are strong, and you have us. We care about you.

Hugs, honey. I eliminated the brackets, I hope that makes my hugs acceptible?

Scotti

27

Jack, I don’t know what to say, other than you have my sympathy and my respect (for having the courage to post this).

I agree with the others with respect to counseling, and hope everything works out.

28

Um well. I wish I had something positive to say that hasn’t already been said. But lack of anything good to say has never stopped me before.

So hang in there. Good luck. All those guy things we say to each other. And I echo all that good stuff that other people have already advised.

29

Jack, I have absolutely nothing helpful to add except that I’m one of the many people hopeing things work out for you. I will offer an opinion however. Communication is the key, and a good therepist can be instrumental in coaxing the truth out of people. My $.02.

30

At least Jack has his doggie!

31

Yes, the amazing Daisy-Dog is rooted at my ankles once more. Which is nice.

The mutt and I took a trip to Santa Rosa yesterday to visit the Demo/Psycat homestead, and a good time was had by all. They sat and listened to me ramble and rant, and offered me support and good advice, not to mention 3-alarm barbecued fish, spanish rice, snap pea pods, macaroni salad and Miller beer.

I thank them humbly. A little road trip was just what I needed yesterday and they welcomed me with open arms.

Truly good people, they.

:slight_smile:

32

I think I’ll probably start one of those LiveJournals that psycat told me about. But since I haven’t yet, I shall burden you once more.

I’m not out of the woods yet. What I’ve talked about here, and in email and in person with friends has all meant a lot to me, but it’s still a real shitty situation I feel I’m in.

Yesterday I tried to call my parents, for mother’s day and my dad’s birthday. They weren’t home, the weren’t at the camp, they weren’t at my sister’s house. I tried to reach them for a couple of hours. Then I tried to call my kids, they weren’t home. Then after that whole fiasco I killed my roommate’s computer. Actually, it probably died of natural causes but I was the one sitting there when it went, so I felt horrible.

And then it happened. Complete emotional break-down. I’ve never felt sow low and hopeless in my entire life. I think I cried for four straight hours.
Alice called me, as planned, to discuss the therapy situation right in the middle of it. I wailed to her how I missed her and how I didn’t want what’s going on between us and how miserable I was. Which was probably a mistake. But she really dealt with me caringly and calmed me down. Not like anything has changed, and I still feel shitty, but it was nice to hear a friendly voice.
I appreciated her words - “it’s ok to feel like this, it means you’re growing” - which I might have dismissed as psychobabble, but I do see her point.

I just still find myself in the middle of a sea of confusion that I can only hope I find my way out of.

On that front - today is the day I make an appointment with a therapist. Hopefully to get in before the end of the week. And Alice and I decided to see a different therapist together starting next week.

Paying for all this will be a different kettle of fish, but I’ll burn that bridge when I cross it.

I’ll shut up now. Thanks for listening.

33

Let me first say that Jack plays a mean “Dust in the Wind”! :wink: Thanks, buddy, it was great having you over. Hopefully we can do it again soon.

Second, a good, long, cathartic cry is something we all need every now and then. Last time I cried like that was…well, I was watching American Beauty. You know, the scene with the bag dancing? Then again, I was a little loopy. :smiley:

And last, way to go on finally choosing a therapist and making the commitment to go. That’s a big step towards resolving all of this, one way or the other.

Good luck, man, and hang in there.

34

Thanks Demo. I wasn’t very gracious in accepting your praise of my guitar playing ability, but jeez-louise, you were embarrassing me. But thanks, really, although I am more proud of my rendition of Blackbird.
I just started my very own Live Journal. It was easier than I thought. My handle over there is “Mike or Jack whatever”. So far I just cut and paste what I wrote here over there, just to give me a kickstart. But I see myself using it regularly.

Thanks to psycat for suggesting it.

I suppose I’ll have to do something right now, like get to work, or at least pretend.

35

Remember that first week when you signed up for the Straight Dope - you didn’t know diddly about coding, navigating the boards seemed like rocket science and half the time you started a new thread when you meant to reply to one? Remember that?

That’s pretty much where I’m at on Live Journal. Eh, sue me.

My LJ handle is [sub]drumroll please[/sub] … amsjb.

Carry on.