I’m waiting for the phone call. I can’t do much of anything productive knowing that I’m getting the call either today or tomorrow, it’s making me physically ill. I’m too worried to eat and my brain is going crazy.
Dumped by phone, you ask? Possibly. And why? Because of a stupid misunderstanding on my part (it’s always my fault because I have low self-esteem and I assume bad things before good). I assumed something pretty stupid and I think my SO is tired of my insecurity. I always think in terms of worst case instead of having faith in us. I DO have some faith but my hormones get me all insecure and easily hurt, not to mention my past experiences with men. I try not to judge him by those but sometimes I do and it hurts him. It’s hard for me to believe good things about myself during these emotional times and I’m seriously hoping that this time I am just overreacting. I love my SO more than anyone (except my angel, different kind of love obviously), more than life, and if I lose him over this mistake, I will know just how lame I am.
By phone isn’t a great way to be dumped and I always trusted him to tell me important things face to face but when I tried talking to him yesterday about this, he said he didn’t want to talk about it right then and he’d call me back today or maybe Sunday (he’s going to a hockey game today). I hope I’m just assuming he’ll break up with me, I honestly couldn’t read anything but weariness in his voice. I’m torn between pain and hope right now. He did say he loved me when we hung up (the hope part) but he needed to gather his thoughts (the pain part). He’s never put off talking to me before, even stayed up rather late one night this week to talk to me and I’m very worried that this time, I’ve gone too far.
We’ve been together monogamously for three years and we just had our anniversary where we both shared how we wanted to “sign on for another year” (lil’ inside joke). One or two times in those years, I had thought to break up with him over some difficulty but I did not. I decided I loved him too much to part over a small problem. I can only hope that he feels the same way now. I keep agonizing over this, my eyes hurt from the crying, I keep wondering how the conversation will go… I’m making myself insane. I try to be happy for my daughter’s sake but inside I’m dying.
Sorry but I had to get this out. No one is required to post.
Between this thread and the older, eye-contact-during-sex thread, it sounds like you are trying to work through some personal issue, SS. I wish you luck.
From what you have described in the past, you sound like a good, loving person, as does your SO. I hope you two can focus on the good between and find a way to hold on. If not, I wish you strength and time.
You’re doing it again. Assuming the worst. Don’t. He did say he loves you, and “having to gather your thoughts” is pretty standard. I’m not trying to give you false hopes either. It just doesn’t sound all that bad to me. On the other hand, I wasn’t there.
I know exactly how you feel, but I think you’re assuming the worst for no good reason. A little misunderstanding or fight is par for the course after 3 years, right? You can expect him to be mad, but don’t expect him to dump you right away.
Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best.
Have you tried calling HIM? I know that for me, waiting around for that phone call is friggin’ agonizing. I’d call HIM, and either get it over with or try to start a dialogue…
He was waiting for me to calm down before talking to me. I wasn’t calm knowing he had to gather his thoughts first before talking to me (I’ve never made him have to collect his thoughts before, he’s very good with saying things that help the situation right off so it shocked me). The gods are kind, I’m a wee bit emotional, and everything is ok, albeit a tad uncomfy but it shall pass. We’ll be fine. What I need to do is examine my thought patterns and figure out why I always assume the worst even when I know it’s wrong. Why do I hurt myself this way and not listen or have faith in love? It’s a horrible defense mechanism. It serves no purpose other than to ruin my happiness.
He is NOT like other guys, logically I know this. I’ve experienced it firsthand and yet… I somehow lump him into the general mix. It’s unfair to him and I want to stop being this way. How long can I hold onto my father’s words as if they were truth in stone? Most of my childhood I heard nothing good from my father. I hate him, I love him (he’s my dad, right?), and I will never live up to his expectations. I’ve got to unlearn what he told me all those years. The main point he drilled into my head was how unworthy I was, how ungrateful and how useless. Almost daily, I heard this… I felt this and what’s really sick is how much I missed him when my mother took my brother and I, and divorced him. How does one erase the words? I want to stop believing what my father said.
And I want to thank you all for your good vibes, you guys really let me get away with a lot of crap.
Get thee to a clinician, Sanguine. It took me several years to open up the bag I was hauling through life, rid it of rubbish, and repack with good things. I’d venture to state that scores of other Dopers will second that notion. It won’t happen at first, and there will be times that you’re frustrated to tears, but you will be better for it. Make yourself whole.
You’re breathing a sigh of relief now that your worst fears haven’t been realized, but you’re right in saying he won’t put up with your insecurities for ever. If you feel like you don’t have the tools yet to deal with a mature, reciprocal relationship, maybe you should consider getting some counselling for yourself and for both of you as a couple, so that you can unlearn some self-defeating behaviour you learned as a youngster, and you can learn how to be happy for yourself and love and trust your SO as he deserves, and let him love you back.
By the way, my experience with guys is that they usually say what they mean, and reading more into it is usually a good way to mess up your own head. When they say they need to think for awhile and call you back later, that’s pretty much all they mean. When you think a guy has insulted you or something, it’s usually a good idea to ask him right away if you understood him correctly - they don’t always examine everything they say for all the nuances that women look for. We can be our own worst enemies at times.
I tried getting some counseling when I was attending ASU but… they gave me a student counselor (I couldn’t trust him easily) and I stopped going to school right before the end of my second year. I’d like to get some counseling, I have no qualms about going. I need an unbiased opinion and strategies for learning healthy ways to think but my budget is t-i-g-h-t. I don’t work right now, my main priority is getting the right services, therapies and education for my daughter. If somehow I could get into a place with reduced rates or possibly free, I’d not even blink.
I’m not afraid of digging into my baggage, God knows I carry a lot. Childhood brainwashing, bad past relationships, and my daughter’s condition are the main stresses in my life, although my daughter’s plight isn’t the worst of the three. Timing does happen to be another factor in this since my daughter has five therapies during the week and school right during the middle of the day. Her needs come first even though I realize getting help for me will help with her. I rarely use my mother as a babysitter because my daughter is very active and it takes its toll on grandma. She’s got her own life to lead anyway. So, if I can find a place within these parameters, I’d definately go.
You all are great, by the way, and I’m glad that this board has such caring, supportive folks. Dopers ROCK!
Sanguine Spider, I sympathize! I, too, love my father, but he was emotionally abusive. That’s why, when the lead alto in my choir hugged me Sunday and told me she was glad I’d joined, it shook me. You see, my father always said, “Well, you know you can’t sing.” The hell I can’t! Here’s what I’ve finally learned as I approach my 40th year. Dad was wrong. I am competent, I am likable, I am not useless or worthless, and there is no reason for people to treat me like dirt unless they happen to be jerks, in which case, why am I worried about how they treat me? Right now I’m coping with my own set of massive insecurities involving possible romance, but I haven’t put him off yet. On the other hand, if I keep fussing about putting him off, I may succeed in doing just that.
My Wiccan friends put it better than my Christian friends do. One of the tenets of their religion is the Rule of 3 which is “What you put out comes back to you three times over.” This includes both the bad and the good. This means that by worrying about the possibility of being dumped, you are putting energy wrapped around the notion of being dumped out into the world, thereby increasing the odds that it will come romping home and bite you in the, well, you know. Having had to spend far too much time removing the universe’s teeth from various bits of my spiritual anatomy, I’ve tried to be careful about such things.
You have resources, starting with this board andCecil’s Place. I also cannot recommend a good professional strongly enough. The one I saw got me to look at things in ways that, despite the efforts of very good, skilled, friends, I hadn’t been able to before. She’s the reason I can say Dad was wrong and I still love him.
There should be free or low-cost services available everywhere. If you have a family doctor that you normally see, you chould ask them who they reccommend. Also, counseling may be covered by some health insurance carriers, if that applies to you.
Sorry to hear you were having a tough time waiting, but glad to hear things were not as bad as you thought. Hang in there and remember your daughter and your boyfriend need you as much as you need them.
Counseling would be helpful if you can find it and afford it. I take my son with me and let him wander around the room will I talk with my therapist though this will change as he gets older. Also do not settle for an okay therapist, get one that you can talk to and are comfortable with. That makes a big diference in how sucessful the sessions will be.
You need to remind yourself that you are smart, pretty and caring person. These are great qualties to have. I of course do not know you but am infering this from other posts you have made. I know caring for a “special needs” child ( I hate that label and all the other ones too) is one of the hardest jobs anyone can ever do. It takes alot out of you and you also have that constant worring about what will my child eventualy be able to accomplish. Tough to deal with along with the standard problems we all encounter in our lives.
The fact that you are trying to address your self esteem issues shows to me that you will eventually put them behind you. The people who ignore their problems are the ones that I do not resolve them.
Slight sidetrack:
My son had an IEP last Monday and they had good news/bad news. Damn I hate that.
Ian is making great progress but because he is progressing he is now not eligeble for summer school. WHAT??? Also Ian has now mastered the pincer grasp and can pickup skittles one at a time though he does not eat them.
While I was in thearpy last year my doctor recomended this book (Amazon link) to me.
It was written well below my reading level and it got a little too mystical for me at the end but it did address several issues I had and from reading your posts I think you are kind of in the same boat I am.
You are going to have to work on the assuming thing. I did. It was hard to overcome the training I had given myself for all my life and I still have to stop myself but it is getting less and less frequent.
Like I’ve stated before, Dopers rock! Thank you all for your good vibes and support, and I will take the advice of getting someone professional to help me unlearn all the crap I tell myself. I think I have a lead on someone. I’ll keep you posted.
Here’s what I’ve finally learned as I approach my 40th year. Dad was wrong. I am competent, I am likable, I am not useless or worthless, and there is no reason for people to treat me like dirt unless they happen to be jerks, in which case, why am I worried about how they treat me? Right now I’m coping with my own set of massive insecurities involving possible romance, but I haven’t put him off yet. On the other hand, if I keep fussing about putting him off, I may succeed in doing just that.