Waiting to be dumped...

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. YMMV etc.

It’s an excellent defense mechanism. The trouble with defense mechanisms is that they all fail spectacularly when you try to get them to stop. I’m still reluctant to say my whole name anywhere - it’s a defense mechanism (I can explain more elsewhere if you like; it’s not a story necessary for this thread).

You always assume the worst because that way if it happens, you’re (more) ready for it, and if it doesn’t happen then you’re pleasantly surprised. The downside to this is that you worry a lot about what ends up being (often) less to very little, but the worrying itself can often mire you in a deeper depression than you might otherwise have been.

You know it in your mind, but what about your heart? Your emotions still control a lot of what you (general) do, so while logically you know he’s different, to a part of you he’s still a guy, and that sets off warning flags and puts walls up, or however you cope with things.

A very long time. If you’re of the sort who find it easier to have low self-esteem and have it occasionally raised up by something, then fall to a natural low, you find yourself putting more stock in those things that keep you low than those things that raise you up. Feeling good can also be scary because you’re more accustomed to that natural low feeling.

You’ll never live up to expectations that aren’t based on you but on someone else your father wanted to see (and that other person has no bearing on you either way). How successful was he financially? Personally? Seems to me that the expectations of a man who didn’t do such the spectacular job of raising a daughter aren’t exactly something we should all strive to meet:)

You love him because of the position he had in your life. You hate him because of how he abused it. You don’t need to rectify those - they’re two different sets of emotions coming from two different places. I loathe my paternal grandfather for what he did to his family, but there are also positive aspects of him, and I can’t very well hate those.

It sounds to me, from what little I’ve seen here, as though he didn’t know you and was taking his inability (for whatever reason) to be close to you and either blaming you for it or taking it out on you. From a logical point of view, his opinion of you is rather irrelevant. From an emotional point of view he was a parent, which lends more in that area. You will probably have a difficult time rectifying those without the help you want.

The same, it seems, can be said of your father with respect to you:(

To clarify, I was critiquing his parenting skills, not the resulting child. I meant no offense whatsoever to you, SanguineSpider.

Size tag added to emphasize the key point.

Late last year, I saw a therapist for a few sessions, to continue my quest to improve my interpersonal skills and increase my opportunities for social interaction. (Read that as: I’m an introvert with low self esteem.) The therapist went off in some other direction that got me highly aggravated at the therapist. The therapist referred me on to a different kind of therapy, and accordingly discontinued treatment. Then about three weeks ago, I was in the same office to see a different doctor, and my former therapist asked why I hadn’t followed up on their referral. I did my best to use positive reasons, telling the therapist that I believed their referral was a continuation of the wrong direction – and I was careful not to use the destructive reason, that I had no need to pay for aggravation and accordingly no further use for that therapist’s services.

As I said, that was three weeks ago. I’m STILL angry at the therapist for (to use the most non-Pit term I can find) not recognizing the reality that we had a bad patient-therapist fit.

Good luck, Spider. Developing good self esteem in your entire personality is not easy. Find a therapist where you have a good fit, and your development will be productive.


I know you weren’t critizing me and thanks for your insight.

One thing about my father is that he didn’t want kids. I’ve been told by various family members about it. It’s not the greatest thing to hear but it explains a lot of his anger toward me but I didn’t make myself. It’s his problem if he couldn’t use a condom or refrain from having sex with my mother during certain times of the month. I have no blame in this. That point riles me up, makes me hate him. He brought me into the world and refused to be a father. I’ve stopped trying to please him within the last few years with having my own child. She’s my priority and I will NOT let her be around his negativity.

I really don’t care if I ever see him again at this point and my guilt over such things is fading. I made mistakes in my life but I learned (hopefully) from them and I’ve stopped using my father to bail me out of financial situations. I used to just ask for money as a way of getting back at him. It made me feel good and also brought me more under his negativity at the same time. I felt he “owed” me something but money was the wrong thing he owed me. He says I owe him that money but truthfully, I may not pay him back. Not out of revenge only, just want nothing to do with him anymore. He can be angry until the day he dies, I really don’t care anymore.

I do want to write him a letter (ONLY way to get a word in when he goes off on a rant, unfortunately) and tell him how lousy a father he was, to show him I’m not worthless and that I can be me without trying to win his love. Basically, a letter in which I show him where he went wrong. He may not care at all, he may get angry or wonder if I’m nuts. He honestly doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong in his life. It was all my mother’s fault (funny because my mother says the same thing regarding him). They were both wrong and they should not have ever gotten married but I digress.

In some ways, I want to tell him to go to hell but I’m tired of being angry at him. Not that he deserves forgiveness (as I said, he may think I’m nuts) but I want to unpack the baggage I’m towing. I want him to fade from my life, that’s all.

Bah, sorry this thread went all wonky, folks. Thanks for reading.

I think you need to write the letter. I think you need to vent in a major way. But I don’t think giving it to him would do any good. The “I never did anything wrong” types never come around or realize what we want them to.

I’d write the letter, pour my heart and soul into it. Then, I’d either put it away for a while, or I’d burn it, kinda symbolically getting rid of the emotions.

There may well be support groups for those who have been abused (survivors) in your area, emotional abuse should count too, particularly if it is affecting you now but best to check first. You may be able to find one by contact a womens health centre or via your doctor or looking in your local paper. If nothing else having a chance to vent and be heard and hear how others have got through may be helpful. I would also hope that there is some form of carers association you could be in touch with for the stress and tiredness and uphill battle it can be raising your child. Either could lead to personal recommendations of good therapists you may be able to see if you need more one on one work.

Good luck

So his behavior toward you had nothing to do with you as a person. It had to do with what you represented to him (responsibility etc. that he didn’t want).

It’s not your fault. I wasn’t sure if you’ve fully accepted this yet, but often it can be overlooked in the healing process if it’s looked at to any degree in the first place.

It’s not your fault.

My mother had parents in something of a similar situation to your father’s. She didn’t, to be rather tactful here, want to impose on them any more kids, so when we were growing up we didn’t see her parents very often. I didn’t understand this for a while because I didn’t see it … because we were never around them for a long time.

Finally she told me that the reason we didn’t see them very often was because her father hadn’t been a very good father and her mother hadn’t been a very good mother. As I got older she told me stuff in more detail.

The point is that she valued her kids over her father’s desire to see his grandkids. She figured with the parenting he’d exhibited in the past she didn’t want to take the rather high risk that his parenting/child skills wouldn’t have improved since her teenage years.

From my POV, you owe nothing to your father (this being outside the Pit, I won’t comment on what he owes you). Any attempt you make at civil discource is only giving him a chance to defend something that’s (again, IMO) indefensible.

Should you elect to write the letter (something I think would be a good idea), I recommend against sending it to him. He has established his position here and his reiteration of it iwll only serve to solidify the rift between you two. Short of some sort of marked character change, that’s not a rift that he’s going to be willing to rectify, and you’re not the one at fault here, so dropping your case against him, so to speak, seems to be contrary to your position (and especially your emotions).

Ultimately some things in life you can’t win. But you can tie, which is better than losing. Most importantly, however, you can forget completely about winning or losing or the score and just live. Not in spite of him, not because you know it’ll piss him off or whatever, but because it’s not worth his memory to do stuff specifically because you know it’d piss him off. Perhaps it’s time to write the letter and end the chapters of your life in which he was involved. Your boyfriend could do to gain the credibility toward guys in (men, really, since it appears to me that your father was a guy, not a man) general that will hopefully result;)