Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. YMMV etc.
It’s an excellent defense mechanism. The trouble with defense mechanisms is that they all fail spectacularly when you try to get them to stop. I’m still reluctant to say my whole name anywhere - it’s a defense mechanism (I can explain more elsewhere if you like; it’s not a story necessary for this thread).
You always assume the worst because that way if it happens, you’re (more) ready for it, and if it doesn’t happen then you’re pleasantly surprised. The downside to this is that you worry a lot about what ends up being (often) less to very little, but the worrying itself can often mire you in a deeper depression than you might otherwise have been.
You know it in your mind, but what about your heart? Your emotions still control a lot of what you (general) do, so while logically you know he’s different, to a part of you he’s still a guy, and that sets off warning flags and puts walls up, or however you cope with things.
A very long time. If you’re of the sort who find it easier to have low self-esteem and have it occasionally raised up by something, then fall to a natural low, you find yourself putting more stock in those things that keep you low than those things that raise you up. Feeling good can also be scary because you’re more accustomed to that natural low feeling.
You’ll never live up to expectations that aren’t based on you but on someone else your father wanted to see (and that other person has no bearing on you either way). How successful was he financially? Personally? Seems to me that the expectations of a man who didn’t do such the spectacular job of raising a daughter aren’t exactly something we should all strive to meet:)
You love him because of the position he had in your life. You hate him because of how he abused it. You don’t need to rectify those - they’re two different sets of emotions coming from two different places. I loathe my paternal grandfather for what he did to his family, but there are also positive aspects of him, and I can’t very well hate those.
It sounds to me, from what little I’ve seen here, as though he didn’t know you and was taking his inability (for whatever reason) to be close to you and either blaming you for it or taking it out on you. From a logical point of view, his opinion of you is rather irrelevant. From an emotional point of view he was a parent, which lends more in that area. You will probably have a difficult time rectifying those without the help you want.
The same, it seems, can be said of your father with respect to you:(