Working-class guy's rich girlfriend offers to support him. Is he sexist to fret over implications?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yes, it’s a hypothetical thread with a long storytelling OP. If these annoy you, stop reading.

Today we tell the tale of Jack, a divorced working-class guy. Though he’s a voracious reader interested in everything, he never graduated from high school, as he started working full time in high school after he married his girlfriend, whom he erroneously thought was pregnant. He works more than 70 hours a week and always has. When he was 30, his wife dumped him, married up, and took off. Now he’s pushing 40, working at the same manual-labor job because he doesn’t know what else to do, and he’s often exhausted, snappish, and depressed.

But Jack’s life isn’t all bad. There’s Diane, his girlfriend, whom he met a few years after his divorce; he fixed her flat tire on a deserted road on a stormy night. Diane’is richer than Thurston Howell III. It’s a family fortune, and she’s the last of the line; the money’s all hers. Diane prefers to stay under the radar, and as she’s not a looker the papparazzi don’t harass her. She’s never had a job; instead she travels, gives money to charity, and takes classes in everything from Celtic literature to horseback riding. She also spends every moment she can with Jack. She had to pursue him aggressively to get him to go out with her, because once he found out just how loaded she was, he was afraid of being taken for a gold-digger. But in time he relaxed a little and they fell in love.

For months now, Diane has been growing worried about Jack. One Sunday morning she makes a suggestion.
*
“Honey,” she says, "I have an idea. Please listen to it. Your job’s killing you. Quit it. I’ll take care of you. You can move in with me if you want and we’ll spend our days together as well as our nights, and just play all the time. Or, if you don’t want to be dependent–well, I talked with the accountants and they say I can give you three or four million dollars easily. That should tide you over for three or four years, right? And if you want to work, well, you could go to college and get a job doing something you love. Or–or we can just get married. If–if you want to marry me, I mean. Then everything I have will be yours. Whatever you want is fine with me. What do you think?*

Jack hesitates. Not because he doesn’t want to spend his life with Diane; he loves her more than ice cream. But his old concerns about being a mooch have resurfaced. If he takes her money, he fears, he’ll become her pet.

This isn’t Jack’s first rodeo, so he has the sense not to blurt all this out. Instead he asks Diane for a little time to think. She looks upset but hides it quickly. She has an art opening she wants to get to that afternoon, she says, so it’s okay with her if Jack wants to think. They agree to talk again that night.

When Diane leaves, Jack calls his best friend – you. He brings you up to speed and asks your opinion.

What do you say? Do you think Jack’s concerns are entirely justified? Mere sexist blather? Something else?

2

So Jack and Diane have been together for five years and this just comes up now? I’m fighting the hypothetical, that is absurd.

3

Amusing poll options; I couldn’t pick an option.

Other way around (I’m female) - my last serious, live-in situation was with a wealthy man. Not super-rich, but a doctor in a well-established partnership and certainly well-off. He did say it would be fine if I didn’t want to work. Was I sexist for being uncomfortable with this?

I don’t know. Like Jack, I have never not worked and the idea of having someone else paying all of my bills and giving me some sort of allowance was not acceptable. And besides, working is part of how I define myself. What would I do if I wasn’t working during the day? Where would my self-respect come from? Who would I be?

So I can’t jump on the sexist assumption…I’ve been Jack, basically. And, the relationship didn’t last and I can’t say the big disparity in income didn’t play a part.

4

I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone, regardless of genitalia, to be living without a sense of direction, something constructive to do, and a back-up plan. Surely Jack has some interest that he’d like to pursue- maybe he could go get a degree in Sports Team Management or something. This situation could be a really good opportunity for him, but he should use it as a tool to pursue his dreams, not just to skate by through life doing nothing. And he should make sure that if he should end up independent, he has maintained his skills and will be able to survive and support any kids he may have adequately.

I’d be wary of taking the money before marriage. This sort of thing calls for a full partnership, or the power dynamics get very, very risky. Neither side wants to be in a situation where he is staying around to support his lifestyle, or where she is afraid to say the relationship has run its course because it would have such a huge effect on his life. If they want to do this, it needs to be the real thing, full on.

If he’s not ready for that commitment, surely she could use her leverage to find a job he likes better. Maybe one of her friends needs a new director for her stables or something- something he could keep even if the relationship goes south.

I’d give the same advice to a female, too. Everyone ought to be doing something with their lives and making sure they have options for independence. I’d raise my eyebrows if Jack was saying “I’m not comfortable with this because I’m a man!,” but I don’t see that’s what is happening. I think just as many women would react the same way.

5

The OP doesn’t say how long Jack & Diane have been dating. It says they met a few years after his divorce, that he was reluctant to date her because she’s worth 9.384 bazillion dollars, and that she had to pursue him for an indeterminate time to wear him down.

Oh, and that’s Diane has been worrying for months. That could easily be 63 days.

In short, there’s nothing in the OP that says they’ve been together for years. Or that they haven’t. You’re free to draw whatever conclusions you wish to make the situation believable to you. (Or, obviously, to give me the middle finger.)

chiroptera, multiple responses are allowable in this poll.

6

Fine. They’ve been together as friends for five years. There’s no way this doesn’t come up before now.

7

Justin, they could have met a long time before becoming friends. Diane could have thought Jack a groovy dude but have been scheduled to go on safari the week after they met, then thought about him all the time she was in Africa killing [del]hippopotamuses[/del] (hippopotami? hippopotamodes?) quaggas and decided to pursue him when she got back to the States; and it’s explicit that he is reluctant, so he may have turned her down at first. There’s nothing in the OP that says that they must have been friends for five years.

Do you consider that you became friends with everyone you know the day y’all met?

Your point being? :wink:

8

Yes, but none of them appear relevant to your OP.

9

I’m currently in love with a guy who doesn’t have a college degree and works at a job that I believe is killing him. I am by NO MEANS rich but make enough money for two people to live comfortably.

It kills me that he won’t take me up on my offer to move out of his friend’s dilapidated trailer and live here while he either looks for a better job or trains for one.

I’d never want him to not work and of course I want him to have some sort of pride, but his pride to the point of being miserable 100% of the time for 2 years now is the most frustrating thing I know.

I don’t think it’s sexist of Jack, though. I think any decent man or woman would at least have to CONSIDER that living completely off someone’s dough is weird.

But he can go on to consider Diane’s feelings (I know what it’s like to watch someone you love get beaten down by life like that) and believe her when she says it’s ok (if you love her you won’t think she’s lying) and take the offer. And get a job or a degree.

10

I couldn’t decide which poll option to pick, so I picked them all. Then, I realized as I clicked vote that I missed one. Then, I realized I’m the only person who’s voted, so my mistake is clear for all to see. I am very sad.

In response to the OP, I don’t think it’s really sexist, because, from the info in the OP, there’s nothing to imply that Jack’s hesitant because of the gender thing. I’d probably feel the same way, even if I was female. It’s an ego thing, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be gender related.

11

I voted the same way to make you feel better. Woo, solidarity!

I think Jack ought to take her up on it, and I’d say the same thing if the genders were reversed.

12

If I was Jack, I wouldn’t be happy with taking any money unless a) we were married and b) I was in school full-time, with a plan to work afterwards. You can’t just float around.

13

Jack shouldn’t take any money from Diane unless they enter into a much more committed relationship, like marriage or the equivalent.

If they do get married, their assets become communal property. So it’s not Jack living off Diane’s money, it’s Jack and Diane living off their money.

But I can see the self-respect issue. I would experience it myself in a similar situation. So while I think Jack doesn’t have to keep his dead-end job or try to match Diane’s income, he should be working another job or going to school - so that he feels he’s doing something on his own rather than just living off his wife.

14

Hey, it’s not like she earned the money herself. I say he should take it.

15

If he called me, I’d smack him upside the head and tell him to stop being a schmuck.

He has an opportunity to better himself, with the help of someone he loves and who loves him; if he won’t accept her help, if he’d rather be in a crappy position instead of using the opportunity to better himself, which would make him better for her…then he’s a schmuck and should break off the relationship. OR…he can stop being lazy and stubborn and sticking with the familiar rather than giving a new life a try.

<—female, and would say the same to a female friend.

16

I was writing a wall of text, short version:
I don’t think it’s sexist, questions such as “and what happens if you can’t work any more?” (in this case, “if the administrators rob you blind”) or “this will change people’s perceptions of me” or “what if I hate staying at home” are also gone through by a woman who’s in a similar situation. And the responses are pretty much the same too. Therefore, not sexist… and can now please a mod call INS on the alien who’s taken Skald over? I’m sure that’s illegal on this planet!

17

where do you live that assets owned before marriage become communal property after marriage? Its her money even after they get married except the 2-3 million she’s gonna give as a gift to him.
Sort of in Jack’s situation right now. Wife has the job that pays well, I’m a stay at home dad. It was weird at first and now and then I have a twinge of male chauvinism that I’m not the breadwinner. At the end of the day though, whats most important to me is what Mrs. Guest and I can work out together that makes us both happier.

Jack needs to swallow his pride, say thank you, take the money and improve his skills and training and apply that insane work ethic to something he likes/loves doing and make a shit-ton of money to “repay” Diane for the hand-up

18

So where do I go to meet this Diane? :slight_smile:

19

Sorry, Skald, this particular hypothetical is just too outlandish for me to suspend disbelief. Let’s get back to time-travel and alternate universes.

20

He should at the minimum accept her offer to send him to school. He’s an intelligent guy working a job that’s killing him; he could be much more productive in a different career (like, for example, helping her investigate the charities in which she invests, etc.) What’s wrong with a kind of fellowship? Maybe he can find a few more people in his situation and they can all do it together. And he can help oversee the program.