Oh, gross. This is why it’s much better to just address issues in a professional way as they come up if such a thing is possible at your workplace, or just shove your resentment deep down inside and bitch about it to your friends at the bar later. I can’t fucking stand people who have a problem but don’t say anything about it and then get all pissed off as though you were supposed to read their mind the whole time.
Librarians complain about annoying patrons all the time, but today’s jackwagon takes the cake. Here’s an email I got through our reference address this morning:
If he’s right, that would be a major hole in our customer service. But, of course, he’s an asshole and he’s wrong. So that makes my reply to him all the sweeter:
Dear sir:
I don’t expect an apology, but one would be nice.
Aaaawww.
I just hope her Secret Santa doesn’t screw things up by presenting her with a certain gaming system…
Bwahahahahaha. Beautiful.
Boss: don’t give me some bullshit line about how I’m so good at something and that’s why it’s given to me…you’re just too damn lazy to do it yourself. When I call you out, don’t say you’ve got other things to do, just own up to the fact that you’re trying to sweeten me up.
And remember the names of people who call me…they may not be oh-so-important clients, but I matter too.
Other boss: why ask for something to be aggregated and emailed to you without specifying the format? I sent it in Word and you apparently can’t open it, so you tell your assistant to ask me to forward it “a different way”
Um…what way? Excel? Paint? Morse code?
And my phone works. I have a valid extension. Use it.
Co-worker: You ask for Ticket A; I give you ticket A. Ticket A isn’t the right one for the transaction, so I tell you rather than get in trouble for it. Don’t get snippy and ask me why I gave it to you.
You asked for it. I can’t read your mind and know what you really want is Ticket B.
I’m leaving early for the dentist and I can’t fucking wait.
Wait, they asked for Ticket A, and you knew it was the wrong one, but you sent it anyway while noting that it was the wrong one? I can see how that would be annoying. Why not send B if you know that’s what’s required, or send A and B and explain the difference?
Visiting dude, please don’t get my attention by sneaking up behind me and drumming your fingers on the wall until I turn around to see what the sound is. That’s just creepy.
Woman who emailed one of my people some information: I understand that your Notes was locking up when you tried to attach the spreadsheet. However, the correct solution is not to paste the information in as a fucking image. You could have saved us a lot of time by taking the simple step of going Edit > Paste Special > Rich Text. Then we could actually copy the data into a spreadsheet that we could use, instead of having to retype everything and double-check all of the numbers. When I reached out to you to ask if you could do that instead, you clearly had no fucking clue what I was talking about, either. So why did you pretend that it wasn’t a valid option using language that clearly demonstrated your ignorance instead of just asking me how it worked?
??? There’s a 12-step program for incontenence? I think I must be missing something.
You “reached out” to someone at work? What does that entail exactly? 
In my dreams it includes hands around throats until they deliver what I need.
I hereby wish to apologize to the New Gatekeeper, who was pretty much doing cartwheels once we gave him all the signed authorizations that he could then shove down the throat of the people barking at him. Yay for people being on the same side after all.
That’s the problem with so many workplaces. People who are good at a department’s task won’t necessarily be good at supervising those who perform those tasks, but they end up getting promoted to Supervisor and not given any true training on how to supervise or manage.
[Alice] “Must Control Fist Of Death”[/Alice] ? 
The fact that the entire post was a joke. You got wooshed hard, ma’am.
Don’t you mock my corporatespeak, woman. I can’t help it. 
Dear Coworker.
We’re friends outside of work, which I really did used to enjoy. We have a lot in common, and I really enjoy talking geeky with you. Now that I think about it, it’s been a long time since we went out for a drink after work, or saw a movie.
That’s okay by me, actually. Because in the last six months, you’ve switched from being clever and funny and good at your job so snarky and bratty and bad at your job, while still assuming you’re the most valuable person in the depaertment. You’re not. You’re really, really not.
The week just been is maybe the most important, and flat-out busiest week for our department. Our department which is doing very, very badly, and is probably going to be reduced next year. So for the love of god, if you call in sick, please don’t also email your best work friend (who is also a good mate of mine) and say that you just felt too tired to come into work. She’ll be hurt, because it’s obvious that you don’t care about how much harder her day becomes with one person down, and I’ll be royally pissed, because you’re acting like a brat.
And remember how we were friends outside of work? It means we’re friends on facebook, and follow each other on Twitter. So if you call in sick today, please don’t have updated your twitter feed at about 2am with how much you loved the midnight screening of Tron.
I know you think this job is beneath you. So fuck off and find a new one, and stop making my working day more difficult.
“Twelve steps” refers to the ideal distance to the bathroom door.
This sounds like someone in my department, who essentially committed suicide by HR. If you miss enough important days, people will eventually deicde they can do without you, no matter how talented you are when you DO show up.
Stop. Sending me. Thingstopostonthefuckingvideoconferenceunit.
First I got the file for the notice to print myself.
Then I got a printed version to post.
Then I got another, identical, printed version to post.
Then I got an email telling me to disregard the second printed version because you’re going to be mailing tags to be attached to the cord.
Get your shit together, people.
Did you get the new cover sheet? I can email that to you again.
I know, quoting from “Office Space” is so ten years ago, but they’re so damned appropriate!
Acknowledging you have a problem is the first step. 
Does it drive you a little crazy when you hear your company coming out of your own mouth? “Nooooooo! You can’t have my soul!!!”
It used to. But now I’m just dead and hollow inside, so I don’t even notice it.