<blatantly stolen from John Stewart>
During a rectal exam…
“Magnificent… Nurse, bring my sketchpad! You, sir, are going on my refrigerator!”
Another true one.
Before a yearly check-up: “Do you have a living will?”
My response: “Am I going to need one?”
“Scalpel,
Clamp,
Lap-Sponge,
Clamp,
Duct Tape …”
I’m sorry, I’ve got another operation to go too…nurse go out and grab someone off the street and get them to finish for me…
Well, if you must know, I got my medical degree from the Caymen Islands School of Medicine and Mixology.
We’re out of bandages… nurse, go to McDonald’s and grab some napkins.
“What do you mean that’s not the pancreas, nurse?!? Fine, your so smart, you do it!”
Call me by my first name. The “Doctor” part is just honorary anyway.
Will you be able to contact all of your sexual partners from the last ten years?
Turn your head and cough.
Ok, now you do me.
Hey, what’s this thing that looks like an ear of corn?
Oh! So that’s what a pancreas looks like!
That really did happen to me, and I was conscious (just had an epidural) so I heard it. It’s not comforting to hear “OOPS! Someone look at that catheter. Is it bright red fluid in there? It is? Okay, page urology STAT!” This does not inspire confidence, although it wasn’t in the end a big deal.
I also heard the nurse get real excited and say “Cool, I’ve never seen that before!” during the same surgery, but it was something different (knot in baby’s umbilical cord–not the rarest thing in the world, but the delivery nurse hadn’t seen one yet in five years on the floor). LOL
Back to the thread in progress:
(A couple more you don’t wanna hear during surgery)
“Damn, would someone go get me an anatomy book?”
“Whoa, they still got a few free slabs down at the morgue, don’t they?”
(One you don’t want to hear after test results):
“Before we go over the lab report, have you taken a moment to review this important brochure on organ donation?”
I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of inviting the entire nursing staff to view your penis enlargement surgery.
“Nurse, put your skirt back on and get my belt. I think she’s coming to.”
"Scalpel…
"Sponge…
"Sponge… No, the big one.
"Clamp…
"Clamp…
"Clamp!..
“Okay, get my lawyer on the phone.”
“Nurse! Contact the CDC stat!”
“Ummm…holy shit. Better put a call into FEMA while you’re at it…”
“Ahh, Mr. Jones. You’re here for the circumsision… or was that castration? I always get those two mixed up.”
Don’t worry, Mr. Smith. My guide dog has been sterilized - it’s perfectly safe to bring him into the operating theatre.
Our family GP also happens to teach at the local med school and from time to time has a last-year student in his office to observe and learn. So I’ve actually heard this line myself:
Doc to Med Student: Oooo! Come over and look at her chart, this is very interesting!
howzabout…“Hey! Who let that cat in here? HEY! BRING THAT BACK!”