Worried about our housemate - might have OCD

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi everyone,

I was hoping you’d be able to help me with this. I’ve shared a house with a friend for about a year and a new guy’s moved in a month or two ago. We’re worried that he might be Obsessive-Compulsive or something similar.

We’re not qualified to give any diagnosis, and I’m not asking you guys for one, or for any medical help. But here’s a few reasons why we’re thinking of OCD:

  • He has extensive cleaning rituals involving alternately showering / bathing and tooth brushing. These can last for over an hour and happen several times a day.

  • He appears to own and use two of all kinds of cleaning items eg two loofahs, two bottles of body wash, two containers of hand wash by the basin etc.

  • He goes through a few rolls of toilet paper a day.

  • He places all small items eg the pens on his desk, his mobile phone beside his bed, every item on his shelf, on little pads or “doilies” made of tissue paper. Even his container of tissue paper has a tissue paper “doily”.

  • He makes unusual bulk purchases eg 10 litres of long-life milk when noone drinks the stuff, big bags of kiwi fruit that he doesn’t eat, multiple kilogram blocks of cheese.

  • He keeps unusual sleeping hours and seems to have a lot of noisy nightmares.

There are a few other odd things, but that should be enough to give a good idea of what’s going on. He’s never mentioned that he has any disorder (not suprisingly), nor does he appear to be attending regular appointments with a doctor or therapist.

We’re worried about him, but we have selfish motivations as well. It puts us on edge to be living with someone in his condition, and there are certain problems caused by his actions eg we can’t afford to pay for all his bulk purchases, nor for large quantities of stuff like toilet paper.

So what can we do? I’ve got two major questions to consider:

  • Should we be attempting to get him some help? How could we go about that, in a non-confrontational manner?

  • If not, how can we stop the symptoms that cause particular problems for us, eg the irrational bulk purchases, without offending him?

2

Help me understand something…what exactly is the problem with the irrational bulk purchases…do you guys have a prior agreement to share food costs, or is it just that the stuff takes up room, the uneaten food goes bad, etc?
I am most certainly not any sort of doctor or therapist but it sounds to me like the poor guy could have OCD.

3

Hi Laughing Lagomorph,

Thanks for your reply. I should have said in the OP that we share both household bills (power, water, etc) and also share food shopping.

4

Welcome to the Dope, Welshman. Afraid I don’t have any ideas about dealing with OCD (which it looks like he has, although I’m no doctor) - perhaps there are some out there that have actually suffered from OCD and might have helpful info?

5

In addition to my $.02: Yes, sounds like OCD to me, I must ask:

How do Welshmen run?

6

Hi. I myself have OCD and yeah, this guy sounds like a classic case.

7

You’ll have to ask the originator of the quote, Stewie of Family Guy.

8

I have a much milder case of OCD (self-declared, IANAPsych), mostly work related issues. All dollar bills in my wallet (and the business petty cash accounts) are in the right order of denomination, facing front side-up, newer bills in back, older crappy in front, I do this at the bank too and the ladies know me well enough to cut me some slack. I double and triple check door locks, leaky faucets, lights when I lock up my building. Lots of paper shuffling and ordering multiple times, things of that sort. My wife would let me know that nobody has gone after me to undo my first round of checks in the building, and that we should just code out and leave…that’s not offensive to me.

I think just a verbal nudge (just be frank, but not angry or raising your voice) to get him to move on to a new task or remind him what happened to that last bag of kiwis(milk/cheese) that were thrown out because it was too much. He may acknowledge your observation and make a better selection next time, although you may have to remind him every time of it. Your tone is key here, just be pleasant and not nagging him about his choices. Do not belittle, just “nudge” him in the right direction.

You might have to tell him that he’s on his own when purchasing toilet paper (I don’t think you would want to be there in the bathroom to remind him to use it in moderation). The sleeping habits though are beyond my scope.

9

You could initiate a conversation by saying something like, “Gee Crazy Toilet Paper Consumption Guy, you seem to be under a lot of stress lately. Do you want to talk about it?”

As I understand it, OCD gets worse with greater levels of stress. Maybe even just moving is enough to stress him out.

I’m Bipolar, and if a friend says something like the above to me, I’m a little more likely to think about my state of mind – do I need to see someone, do we need to talk about changing my meds? For all you know, this guy is completely aware of his odd behavior and is being treated.

Bottom line for you, however, is his actions are bothering you. It’s not your responsibility to get him treatment, but it’s your responsibility to tell him how you feel.

10

Do you have actual, like, diagnosed and treated OCD? Or did you just decide you have it? (No offense, but a lot of people look at their irrational tics - and who doesn’t have them, really? - and decide that they have OCD as a result.)

Um, no you don’t. Not if any of the things they say about OCD are accurate. (Actually, by definition you don’t, because it’s not bad enough to interfere significantly with your life, which is part of the definition of every mental illness.) OCD sufferers are not just slightly compulsive - a lot of people are like that; it probably corresponds to a basic personality trait that people can have more or less of. OCD sufferers experience “magical thinking” - irrational but unshakeable beliefs that, for instance, their family members will die if they don’t dial the phone properly. And of course they recognize that it’s not rational, but it’s inescapable. Their weird obsessive thoughts are relieved by compulsions: little rituals and double-checkings that temporarily relieve the tension created by the irrational obsessions.

I’m saying this to (A) point out that you don’t have anything resembling the disease and (B) because the roommate sounds like he’s seriously afflicted with something at least, and I think it’s rather irresponsible of you to offer your own experience as guidance. You don’t have OCD, and frankly, you don’t know enough to provide advice on it. Mental health issues are a serious matter sometimes, and it’s not appropriate for people who’ve read lists of symptoms on the internet to decide they can understand and advise people on a disease.

11

With regard to the toilet paper, does he have piles?

12

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I’d be interested in hearing more from those who might suffer from OCD - eg Guinastasia - what kind of suggestions etc might be helpful to let you know that your behaviour might be causing problems for others? Hope that question’s not too far beyond the pale…

Yeticus, I think what you say about the gentle nudge would be helpful. The main reason my other housemate and I haven’t said anything before now is that we don’t want to belittle him, or cause awkwardness in the house. It’s going to be difficult to confront him about all the thngs that are bugging us without causing offence. There’re quite a few, I only listed the more major ones in the OP.

Part of me would really like to just list all the annoyances and get it out there in one potentially awkward go. I wouldn’t mention the cleaning rituals or doilies - just the things that affect myself and others in the house.

This is my dilemma - do we tread very gently around all these annoying habits because we suspect that he may have some mental illness, or just come out with it like we would with any other housemate who did these things. Bearing in mind he has never made any mention of having any sort of condition.

I am rarely in the bathroom with him, for all I know he makes a hat out of the toilet paper! :wink:

13

None taken. And yes, diagnosed and treated. I’m on Paxil. My obsessions weren’t cleanliness, but more abstract things-like I’d be afraid of being beaten up, afraid of dying, being damned to hell, puking, etc. (The puking one lead me to consume endless quantities of water). I’ve gone into more detail in other threads, but yes, it’s been fairly well established. My obsessions weren’t just little tics-the last big one lead to a near nervous breakdown when I was 18 and finally diagnosed and treated. (I was convinced I was going to stop being attracted to men and turn gay-don’t ask me why, it was completely irrational). It’s always some stupid little fear, that doesn’t make sense, and random, disturbing thought patterns that won’t go away.
And Prancer is correct-it gets worse with stress. The gay obsession happened when I graduated high school and started college. Thankfully, when I graduated college, (and when I transferred to a four year school after 2 years at community), I was prepared. But even mild stress will trigger it.

I would be gentle, but very firm. Let him know you suspect something’s wrong, and ask him about it. Try to encourage him to get help-OCD cannot be overcome on its own-I know that only too well.

Good luck!

14

You can have a “form” of “mild” OCD if you have “obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.”

It’s like OCD-lite according to the psych books. They have these for several mental illnesses, the “lite” “personality disorder” version.

15

OCPD is not all that much like OCD. It’s more akin to obsessive perfectionism and it actually is often heavily applied to others - it’s basically the pathological form of being a fault-finding asshole. It also does not describe what Yeticus Rex has.

16

Just tell him that you’ve decided that you will no longer share the purchasing of food or toilet paper. If he wants to be crazy, fine, but he should at least pay all the costs of being crazy.

17

Sorry for the hijack, but what’s the difference between having an obsession that you’re going to turn gay and realizing that you might actually be gay? Was the idea of being gay so frightening to you that you never entertained it as an actual possibility? And if so, why isn’t that considered homophobia? (Please note: I am not calling you a homophobe–I just want to know the difference between homophobia and having a “gay obsession.” Because when I was in high school I went through a lot of doubt and worry over the fact that I might be bisexual, but then I realized that I actually was and that all the worry was mostly due over other people’s reaction to my sexuality. I just think that if you have no problem with gayness then you shouldn’t be concerned about losing your attraction to men, certainly not enough to have a nervous breakdown over it. If it happens, it happens. Then again, IANAPsych.)

I would argue against having an intervention or mentioning the stuff like the tissue doilies. That would show that you’ve been paying attention to his private life, and I wouldn’t appreciate my housemates (at least people I wasn’t in a relationship with) keeping tabs on my quirks. You just live in the same place, you’re not his parent (or partner). What I would do is curtail the activities that affect you (the long showers, the bulk purchases) by setting a time or purchase limit and saying that anything that goes over that line, he’ll have to pay for. In the case of the showers, you can start banging on the door or blowing airhorns until he gets out. Chances are, he already knows the symptoms of OCD and is aware that what he does scans with some of them (most OCD patients have a great degree of self-awareness about their condition), why humiliate him with a confrontation? Whatever you do, don’t mock his behavior or the behavior of anyone else with a mental illness. Little jabs are going to make him even more reluctant to seek help or share his feelings with you.

18

huge sigh I believe I’ve explained this one before, and I really don’t want to go into it, because it’s really bizarre, but the main reason that obsession bothered me was, well, I have always been attracted to men, and I didn’t want that to stop. How did I get the idea? Well, for one thing, I was very shy, and had really no experience with the opposite sex. So, I started getting freaked, that maybe somehow, I’d have to be gay. Over stupid shit, like I’d think, “Gee, she’s pretty. Oh my god she’s a girl!” Or, because I like fashion and dolls and things like that, that liking looking at women in cute fashions was about looking at the women. See, I wouldn’t have minded finding out I was bi-now, I actually think that’d be pretty cool-but I didn’t want to be totally gay, which to me meant that I’d still like guys, but be unattracted to them. No, it doesn’t make sense-that’s what makes it irrational, and an actual obsession, not a realistic possibility.

I’m not going to give the standard “I’m not a homophobe, blah blah blah” disclaimer, because most of the time, it’s trite, and if people on THIS board don’t know enough about me by now to know where I stand, then that’s too damned bad.

And really, would you want to STOP liking something you’ve loved all your life? I think it would be cool to be at least bisexual, but I’m not wired that way, sadly.

Now, I really don’t want to go over this anymore, I hate explaining it, I hate giving more fuel to the snark communities waves and blows kisses and it makes me sound like a homophobe, and it makes me feel like I’m hurting those who are actually gay.

19

You know, now I really really regret going into all of this. Please, don’t ever ask a person with OCD to “justify” his or her obsessions.