Worst Excuse Ever....

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

How about a thread of the worst excuses that you’ve ever heard?
Several years ago a young woman came to our office looking for a job. She filled out the application, took the mandatory drug test, and scheduled a second interview at which time the results of the drug test would be known.

Well she tested positive for cocaine. Our HR manager explained to the woman that the positive test meant that we absolutely could not hire her.

The woman then offered that she really didn’t take drugs but that last night her boyfriend had taken some coke, and shortly afterwards she had given him a blowjob and that’s probably how she got the cocaine in her system.
Now the excuse was bad enough. But once the candidate left the office, the HR manager gave the nurse at the doctor’s office a really good laugh when she called and asked if a person could test positive for cocaine by given a cocaine user a blowjob.
It was a memorable morning…

2

oh, yea, I used to hear those all the time. My favorite was a guy who’d tested positive for cocaine (what is it about that one, that folks come up with the LAMEST excuses?) he told his uncle “some one must have sprinkled it on his cereal”.

when I ran the correction center, we used to get really stupid excuse why folks were late “the car broke down” “I had to walk”, or “there was this train”. I once caught one of 'em on that one by pointing out there WERE no train tracks between where we were and where she was supposed to be.

3

Ever work in property management? Ever hear the
excuses people give for not paying their rent?

I had to get my car fixed (Well, go live in your car)
I had to go to church (Well, go live at the church)
I have roaches (But you wouldn’t let the exterminator in)
I didn’t get much work last week (Not our problem)
I came here with the money, but you were closed (So hold the
money till we are here)
I’m picking up a check tomorrow (Give me a phone number to
verify that)
I’m not paying and I’m not moving (See you in court)

The best was from a woman who was living with her husband
and children in a car on a dark cold February night. We
told her she could move into an apartment we had right away.
When she asked where it was and we told her, she said
indigantly “I’M NOT LIVING THERE.”

4

Not real excuses, but funny anyway.

The Top 15 Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work
[ The Top 5 List topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

15> “Actually, I’ve been here for over 20 minutes, big guy – I was just out chillin’ in the van waiting for the end of the live version of ‘Freebird’.”

14> “I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you’re on.”

13> “We’re open on Tuesdays?!?”

12> “It took this long to get the ol’ blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.”

11> “I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.”

10> “My proctologist got stuck.”

9> “It was Senator Kennedy’s turn to drive today, so I’ve spent the last hour swimming.”

8> “I’m late because I was on the phone trying to get your lousy shipping department to send the company’s office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.”

7> “Hey, time becomes meaningless when you’re as strung out on crystal meth as I am.”

6> “Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.”

5> “Heidi Klum refused to untie me.”

4> “On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker sore gel.”

3> “I’m sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you – uh – this box of ten donuts.”

2> “It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning… Sir.”

and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Worst Excuse for Being Late for Work…

1> “My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by ‘my dog’ I mean your wife, and by ‘ate my presentation’ I mean ‘was boinking me’.”

5

At the Alumni Office today, we had an e-mail from an old member claiming that he hadn’t sent in his subscription form on time because his postman was “cranky.” Didn’t get a barrel of laughs in the office because we’ve had a local postal strike on for the last week. “Cranky postmen,” indeed…