Assume you are a studio executive and you know that you are about to be fired. However, before this happens you have the authority to authorize one last movie that is sure to do major financial harm to the studio. You also have access to your studios catalog of classic films and can authorize remakes. What film would you remake and who would you cast?
My pics (1):
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner— Now!- a middle aged well-to-do California liberal couple (Tim Robbins & Susan Sarandon) must confront their own unexpected prejudices when their daughter (Brittney Murphy) becomes engaged to a black man (Mike Tyson).
The Bridge on the River Kwai- a British officer (Jim Carrey) finds purpose in the midst of wartime chaos by building a bridge for the Japanese POW commandant (Jim Carrey) while an American munitions expert (Jim Carrey) seeks to destroy the bridge before it can be used.
Three Men and a Baby- Three swinging bachelors (Michael Jackson, Clay Aiken & Sean Hayes) are amazed to discover that one of them has a baby.
The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman- remade as an animated classic starring the vocal talents of Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen, new songs by Elton John (“Never Had a Slave Like Me”, “The Gods Love Alabam-ia” & “Water Fountain Mambo”), and a half-witted Cajun squirrel voiced by Robin Williams.
Quentin Tarantino’s The Lion in Winter- The aging King Henry II (Samuel Jackson) and his estranged imprisoned queen Eleanor of Aquitaine (Anna Nicole Smith) hold a Christmas court to decide which of their three sons (the bellicose but brilliant sodomite Richard [Robbie Williams], the cerebral but embittered Geoffrey [Corey Feldman] or the teenaged whiner John [Quentin Tarantino]) get the crown and their father’s teenaged mistress (Uma Thurman). Features the lines “Does my castle say dead mo-fu Plantaganet storage?” and “Yeah I’m glad King Louis is daid! I hope he burns in Heelll!”.
Sunset Blvd A megalomaniacal 60s musical diva (Julie Andrews) and her strange butler (Christopher Plummer) take in a down-on-his-luck angry young screenwriter (Tom Cruise) who works on her comeback vehicle, MARIA VON TRAPP THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.
GONE WITH THE WIND: the Remake Scarlett (Jennifer Lopez) goes through three husbands (Puff-Daddy, Matt Damon & Ben Affleck) all while lusting for Ashley (Nick Lachey), loathing his wife-cousin Melanie (Jessica Simpson), and ignoring the sage counsel of her Mammy (Wanda Sykes) in this $400 million remake.
This is evil – just evil!! Although, I gotta admit, although it sounds un-PC as all get-out, your remake of “The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman” sounds kind of interesting (ouch! stop hitting me!).
OK, here’s a quickie …
Casablanca - With such great moments as Rick (P. Diddy) saying to Ilsa (J. Lo), “Here’s looking at you, bitch”. Or when he says to Sam (Sting), “Play that funky music, white boy.”
EQUUS, Peter Shaffer’s intense psychological drama about relion and sex in which a young man who gouged out the eyes of a dozen horses is treated by a psychologist immersed in his own inner turmoil. Stars Jimmy Fallon & Horatio Sanz and is filmed in one take. (Who would play Allan, a role with a prolonged nude scene, depends on whether you want the film to make money, though both Sanz & Fallon will reprise their roles in the projected animated series spinoff.)
Quentin Tarantino’s On Golden Pond Norman Thayer (Mickey Rooney) ponders turning 80 while his wife Ethel (Mamie Van Doren) uses their 13 year old son (Haley Joel Osment) of their daughter’s (Courtney Love) new boyfriend (Rush Limbaugh) to ruthlessly and bloodily capture the entire illegal prescription cartel on this quaint New England community.
To Kill a Mockingbird, with Keanu Reeves as Atticus, Jake Lloyd as Jem, two of the Welch’s commercial kids as Scout and Dill, and featuring Leonardo DiCaprio as Boo Radley.
The Longest Day, remade in a medieval-fantasy mileau. All star ensamble cast, including Rutger Hauer, Tchy Karyo, Colin Salmon, Tommy Flanagan, and Wes Studi. The landing at Omaha beach is made by Dragon and Warg riders, backed up by steam mecha and musketeers. Five hours long, unextended.
An American Tail, directed by Martin Scorsese. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz, Daniel Day-Lewis, and with a cameo by Liam…well, you see where I’m going with this. But I would probably fire Scorsese halfway through, and replace him with either Tarantino or Robert Rodriguez.
1776, rewritten and directed by Michael Moore. (I predict that this one would cause mass rioting, and possibly some lynchings. Including my own.)
The Rocky Horror Picture Show, starring William Hung as everybody’s favorite transvestite Dr. Frankenfurter, and featuring all those lovely starstruck contestants who didn’t make the final round of American Idol.
