Would this bother you?

In My Humble Opinion
21

[QUOTE=you with the face]
It’s a good question and if anyone slams you for asking that, then I’ll be the first one to call them a stupidhead.

  1. First question: My boss is white. Coworker is black. I’m black. Because I don’t recognize any communication issues between she and my coworker, racial tension is not high on my differential list. But I haven’t yet ruled out her having issues with black women. It’s a possibility.

  2. Second question: It’s hard for me assess how she interacts with other women, especially women subordinates. Her boss is female and from my vantage point, they get along fine. But my vantage point is also limited. I’m the only female under her direct supervision. The other women that work in my division are stationed in out-of-state field offices and she doesn’t have the opportunities to interact with them like she does with me. I’m rarely privy to her dealings with them.

So I don’t have much to go on here. Whatever it is, it’s something that is outside of my control, that much I’m 95% sure about.
[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for assuaging my concerns.

Yeah, from what you’ve provided, I can see how it’s difficult to WAG at just what the problem might be. I second any suggestion that you broach the subject with her, except that I would caution against doing it verbally. I’m one of those people who loves to write things down, especially when it comes to uncomfortable shit. The advantage, of course, is that doing so gives me a chance to be really clear about what I’m saying and as non-confrontational as I choose to be. It also gives the other person time to process my message without feeling pressured to respond in the moment. Also, I, like you, prefer to avoid face-to-face confrontations if at all possible.

The one disadvantage that I can see in your case is that having whatever you need to say in writing pretty much sets it in stone for posterity (a.k.a. your employee file). Depending on your boss’s disposition and motives, though, this doesn’t have to cause a problem for you. You just need to be aware of all possibilities, I think.

[QUOTE=monstro]
[hijack]

Viola power!

It’s not too late to pick it back up, you know. I took a five year break from mine and then one day started playing again. I haven’t stopped since.

[/hijack]
[/QUOTE]

and…

[QUOTE=you with the face]
It’s never too late to pick it up again. Your skills will return with a little practice, if you’re anything like me. The fingers never forget!
[/QUOTE]

Though I believe that you are both very likely correct, I haven’t played in 19 years (I played from ages eight through eighteen, then, like a fool, stopped), and so I’m sure that I’m as rusty as hell. I did acquire a viola from a friend of a friend several years ago, and though it’s currently in a state of disrepair (sound post is dislodged, pegs won’t stay put–even with rosin rubbed on them :wink: ), I’ve decided to get it repaired as soon as I can so that I can start playing again. I’ll never be William Primrose, but heck, it oughta be fun anyway.

Thank you both for the encouragement!

22

I’m not sure what is going on, it sounds as if she is nervous of you.

I think I would be more proactive, for example when she came back after 3 days and did not stick her head around your door, I would have breezed into her office and said something like ‘good to see you back - we’ve had no problems’

I don’t think I would confront her.

When she does not look at you, just at your cow-orker, it might be because she can’t read your face, but can read his - under those circumstances she is checking that things are being understood.

The main thing is that it does not sound as if she is being a bitch.

23

It might be your name:

“Oh hello…you. Yeah, you with the face.” :wink:

24

Do you ever initiate chit chat with her? Communication goes two ways. It may be as simple as the fact that others feel comfortable initiating conversation with her, so she reciprocates. If you have never initiated conversation with her she may feel that you don’t like her, so this may all be a misunderstanding. What if she’s posting on another message board right now about one of her employees that never stops by to chit chat?

The more you worry about the issue, the more it will show in your body language and behavior when she’s around. If it becomes serious enough that it impacts your job, definitely bring it up in that context but see if you can change things on your own first. When things come up that you haven’t heard about, start asking questions. “Oh, when was that decision made? What was the background?” Be sure to thank them for the information. If it’s info you need to do your job, you are definitely not overstepping. Once you let people know that you expect that kind of information, they will start including you. If you let them know they can expect to exclude you (by not speaking up) they will.

25

[QUOTE=you with the face]

Around Christmas time when things were kind of slow, I started up a conversation with her that led to her talking about babies and being a working a mom. She spent a lot of time talking about the joys and headaches of her experiences so far (her kid just turned two), and I thought it was cool that she opened up like that. I thought maybe that conversation meant she was finally loosening up around me. But alas, I was wrong. She went right back to the same old same old the very next day.

So in talking to her, I don’t know what the right approach is.
[/QUOTE]

I think you could take this as a very positive sign, and I would suspect that one good conversation is probably not enough to change the dynamic (but it’s good because it seems that it can be changed. I think when it comes to social behaviors, one shot is just not going to do it – the positive interactions have to build up over time. Jodi’s suggestions for what to say are excellent, but if you are the kind of person who is less comfortable with direct (even if upbeat and proactive) confrontation, another thing you might do is continue to initiate your interactions with her, both social like what you described here, and more work-related, like FDRE’s scenario where you casually “check in” with her upon her return.

26

[QUOTE=XJETGIRLX]
Do you ever initiate chit chat with her?
[/quote]

Yes, I do. When I pass by her office, I recognize her existence with a “hello, how are you?”. I show interest in her personal life when she tells anecdotes during meetings. I smile or laugh when she tries to be funny, just as my coworker does. Every nonwork-related conversational overture has been coming from me. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel like trying with her anymore. I’m not a demonstrative person by nature anyway.

This is not just about watercooler gabbing. This is about communication period. As of right now she still has not shown her face to me. She has not said hello to me once since her return yesterday morning. This despite the fact that her office is less than 10 feet away from mine. Now granted, I have legs and I could walk over there and initiate contact with my superior. But I’m tired of initiating! The little piece of the nation’s public health infrastructure that is maintained by my branch could be crashing and burning right now, and she would not know. She has sent me emails assigning more tasks to me (as if I need any more of those, thankyouverymuch), but that’s it. She also canceled the branch meeting we were supposed to have today, I guess because my coworker is out and she feels she has nothing to discuss with me. Even though I don’t need a meeting with her and I don’t need anyone standing over my shoulder, I constantly feel like I’m not worth her time. Combine that with the eye contact thing, and I might as well be Invisible Girl.

I’m starting to see this as not so much of a personal issue between us, but a managerial one. Even if I hated one of my underlings more than I do Ann Coulter, I can’t imagine acting like this. It just seems so wrong to me.

Thanks everyone for letting me know I’m not overreacting. Seems like such a small thing, but I’m often unsure about these kinds of things, and I need to be assured that my feelings are valid.

27

So I began a new job in a lab almost two years ago. This was a place that sort of recquires a lot of interaction and communication since it was such a big place. Basic transfer of patient info stuff as well as messages coming down from the floor.

So like I said, I was the new guy training, and I’m pretty shy to begin with so it is hard for me to start conversations and encourage communication besides what’s recquired for the job. A week into the job and I’m really beginning to get familiar with everyone working there, recognizing them by face and name and being friendly-- except for one person: Brian.

Brian was being a dick to me. Literally blowing me off at every interaction and not even acknowledging my presence. I don’t know what I did to this guy but I must have resembled the person that killed his cat when he was a kid because I could not think of any other reason why he would hold such a grudge against me. I could walk right up to him and ask him a question and he would take one look at me and then just walk around me. What a dick!?!?!

Two and a half weeks into the job we get an order for a patient and I’m trying to figure out who is working on it. I ask a tech in the lab named Karen and she says that she doesn’t have it, but that I should ask Brian. Hesistantly I walk over to the bench that Brian is working at, and I try to ask aloud, “Excuse me Brian, are you working on this patient right now?”

That’s when I hear Karen asking me back over to her, almost under her breath. I go over and she asks me, “No one has told you yet that Brian is deaf?”

28

[QUOTE=bigbabysweets2000]

That’s when I hear Karen asking me back over to her, almost under her breath. I go over and she asks me, “No one has told you yet that Brian is deaf?”

[/QUOTE]

That’s fuckin’ hilarious! My girlfriend went through the same thing with her son. She thought he was willfully ignoring her until she found out he had a hearing loss. She was so relieved that her kid wasn’t a jerk!

29

Every now and then, my boss-in-Switzerland (I work in Germany 4 days a week) would ask how’s it going; I’d say “(blahblah) but, well, since I don’t speak German” and he’d cut me with “that’s not a condition for your job! It is not a problem!”

Just two fridays ago, we had that conversation again, and this time he added “I really don’t see why you keep bringing it up” “well, it is a problem be” “no, no, it is no problem, you do not need to speak German!”

Right. Wonderful. I’d like to explain but right now I’m busy lowering my blood pressure, ommmmmm…

Last Friday he told me that some of my internal customers had complaints about me. I asked what complaints, he said “oh I don’t know”. Ok, I’d love to solve whatever the problem is but I’d need more information, I’m afraid I can’t solve a problem that I don’t know what it is. Sorry.

Two days ago he told me that one of those customers had pointed out that she thinks I’m “too isolated”. And I finally was able to tell him, without interruptions, that yes, damnit (I didn’t say damnit but I sure wanted to yell it), I am way isolated because the majority of the team is German guys who speak in German the whole time! So I may not need to speak German but it’s hard to keep up with a meeting when 1/3 of it takes place in German. Casual conversation, the same.

Apparently the company policy is that the guys should be speaking in English. But that’s not what “basic German manners” say and I don’t think anybody informed the guys (nobody informs us of any company policies, why would they inform us of that one?).

I actually think that lady may have been trying to give him a warning and not a complaint.
Miscommunication happens? Oh yeah.

30

Another anecdote. I started a new postition last year. I was taking the place of a guy that was really good at his job, but not so good at making sure that I knew what his responsibilities included. So I show up the first day…nobody around…some people walk in, and I introduce myself as X’s replacement…they were surprised that X had left…he apparently didn’t tell them. I kind of got a cold shoulder but thought that I’d try my best to fit in. I never did…after a month of trying to be involved in the more social aspects of the job, I gave it up. A large part of the problem was that they all worked for a different company than mine…he just didn’t like that my company had that position…no matter what I did, he just wasn’t going to like me, or respect my skills. I’m not saying that’s what is happening, but given that your boss and the other guy are both doctors, I’m wondering if she subconciously thinks less of you because you’re a vet?