Would this bother you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

The purpose of this thread is to determine whether my latest angst is unreasonable based on Doper standards.

My boss, in general, seems to be a pleasant person. She’s always smiling. She keeps up with everyone’s name and says hi to folks in the hallways, etc. She’s been my boss for a year and I haven’t had any major issues with her managerial skills. She doesn’t micromanage, and I appreciate that.

But I have a problem with how to relates to me. It is starting to irk me a lot. This bothers me because I like to think I don’t get irked easily.

My branch is currently composed of just two people. Me and another guy (I’m female, BTW). The guy happens to be a physician (by training), just as our boss is. I’m a vet. One thing that I noticed from day one of her coming on board is that when she is talking to both of us, she will not look at me. She directs 97% of her eye contact to my coworker. Strangely enough, this seems to be the case even when I’m the subject of conversation. At first I thought this was just my imagination, but it is not. She has an obvious aversion to looking at me. But that’s not the only thing. She has an aversion to talking to me as well.

My boss was out of town Thurs and Friday of last week and yesterday as well. My coworker is currently out town on a medical mission, so I’m the only one running the ship, so to speak. There are a lot of tasks and projects that need to be completed soon, in addition to the normal stuff, and I’ve had a lot on my plate for the last few days. As I type right now, I’m doing some bullshit that a secretary ought be doing but I have to do because we’re so understaffed. But whatever.

This morning, I heard my boss say hello to someone in the office right next to mine. She stopped and chatted with them for ten minutes it seemed. From what I could overhear, it was chit-chat, not business related. The person she was talking to doesn’t even work in our division. I hadn’t seen her for three days and she knows that my coworker is out of town. It would seem fitting for her to stick her head in and say hello, maybe ask how everything is going. But she didn’t. When she finished her conversation with the dude in the next office, she glided right passed my door and went back to her room. As if I’m not even worth the time.

This is not the first time this kind of thing happens. Her office is only a few doors down from mine, but the only time I see her is when I go to her office, I see her in the hallway, or when something absolutely pressing arises and I’m the only one around who can take care of it. Not infrequently, I get the vibe that communication passes a lot more freely between she and my coworker, because in meetings they will refer to issues that I’ve not been informed about. This leaves me feeling out of the loop and one step behind everyone else.

I’m self-conscious about this. What could be the reason behind my boss’s behavior? I don’t think its a performance issue on my part, because I know how to handle my shit and handle it well. One part of me thinks it might be a gender thing. A gender thing that I don’t understand, but a gender thing nevertheless. Maybe I’m sending out a certain body language that she finds intimidating? But I don’t see how that’s possible. I’ve gone out of my way to look approachable and friendly, ever since I realized she doesn’t like looking at me. All I know is that her aversion to talking and relating to me like she does with my coworker leaves me feeling like a third wheel. I also don’t know if this has something to do with the fact that I’m a vet and she looks down on me because of that.

Anyone have experience with this issue? Am I being a whiny and hypersensitive for being bothered by it? Could I just be imaginating all of this? Input, please.

2

Either she’s intimidated by you or attracted by you. Or both.

3

Hard to say what her problem is. Can you invite her out to lunch? If she refuses (on lame grounds such as that other thread) well, then it’s pretty clear your personalities just don’t jive. But if she accepts, you can feel her out on what the problem might be.

I worked with a guy who is a great work buddy, but he rarely makes eye contact with me. I think he’s got intimacy issues that are no reflection on his opinion of me.

4

Yup… the only folks I’ve had a hard time being friendly with are the folks I’m absurdly crushed out on…

5

No, I don’t think you’re imagining it, and no, I don’t think you’re being hypersensitive if the net result of her behavior is that you’re not being kept fully informed.

I’ve seen stuff like this before, and sometimes (to my ultimate embarassment) felt it a little myself. My complete and utter WAG - sometimes, women who go into male-dominated fields, or who have the experience of working mostly with men, lose the ability to relate to women in their own field. They have literally become “one of the guys.”

It could be that she’s uncomfortable engaging in shop talk with you because she hasn’t realized that she can, without having to segué into chat about “feminine” subjects or concerns. When you say she doesn’t micromanage… I can see that as being both part of her management style as well as a specific effort to avoid what she thinks might be an awkward interaction. You say she’s always pleasant and smiling, so it’s not clear that she has airs about being better than you because she’s a doc and you’re a vet.

Short of asking her directly what’s up, maybe you can try this tactic for a while: Seek her out to talk to her specifically about work stuff. Pop your head in the door to tell her in person what’s going on, rather than writing an email, say. Stop by to ask for her personal perspective on a matter, if there comes an opportunity, even if you don’t strictly need it. Maybe once she gets used to the idea that she can talk about work with you in a direct manner, she’ll loosen up and not avoid you in the future.

Good luck to you with this. I understand how a low-level nagging feeling can get to you after a while.

6

I don’t think your imagining anything either and it would definitely irk me too. I’ve gotten that vibe before that wow, this person doesn’t like me and I have no idea why.

It’s possible. You may have said something unintentionally when you first met her that rubbed her the wrong way or maybe you remind her of someone.

Because it’s bugging you, you could try to win her over at bit in some way. Approach her first and be friendly. Even a silly food offering like saying you have an extra bagel might break the ice. I have a tendency to sometimes be a people-pleaser and see people like this as a challenge.
If that doesn’t work, just let it go.

7

IMO there’s stuff you can legitimately take issue with and then there’s stuff you just can’t. If she doesn’t look at you enough or doesn’t shoot the breeze with you, there’s not a lot you can do about it. Which is not to say you haven’t identified a real problem – you probably have – but those are not the sorts of things you can legitimately raise as an issue with her. This, however, is:

This is your legitimate reason for raising communication as an issue with her, because this is why and how you suspect a communication problem may be negatively impacting your job. And if this is something you both perceive andd are bothered by, it may be worth asking to meet with her to discuss it. Again, the context for the discussion isn’t “why don’t you like me” or “why don’t you say ‘hi’ to me when you say ‘hi’ to others,” but “I’m worried I’m being left out of the loop and one step behind everyone else.” The tone you take for such a meeting IMO should be friendly and eager to improve – not at all hurt or accusatory. Just, “I’ve noticed that you seem to be more comfortable communicating with Bob and sometimes it seems like I’m not getting information that Bob is getting. I wondered what I could do to improve our communication? I want you to feel you can rely on me just like you can Bob.” Or: “Maybe I’m over-sensitive, but sometimes I feel like you’re avoiding talking to me or even looking at me. That makes me very worried that you are angry with me or with my performance. Are there issues with how I’m doing? Because if there are, I want to address them so I can improve and so you are satisfied with how I’m doing.” Let her know that you are noticing this behavior, but be careful to put all the responsibility for fixing it on yourself.

It may be that she is focusing more on the hypothetically named Bob than you because she considers him a peer. Or it may be that she is focusing more on him due to unconscious social conditioning that leads some women to overlook other women in order to address themselves to men. In either case, you would not be out of line to subtly reinforce that you are her peer too, if her subordinate, and that you are worthy of her trust and attention just as he is.

My $.02.

8

I agree with pretty much everything Jodi said, but would have a difficult time actually doing it. I hate that about myself, but it’s true.

9

It’s interesting that you say this because if anything, it seems the opposite is in effect. She can swap Brittany gossip with the old guy in the next door office with no problem and she often asks my coworker about his wife, but she never ventures into this territory with me. It’s always strictly business with her and me. And it’s not like she doesn’t know anything about my life outside of work. For example, she knows I play in the orchestra and I paint as a hobby. But even when I talk shop with her, it doesn’t have the feel of a real conversation. If that makes any sense.

Around Christmas time when things were kind of slow, I started up a conversation with her that led to her talking about babies and being a working a mom. She spent a lot of time talking about the joys and headaches of her experiences so far (her kid just turned two), and I thought it was cool that she opened up like that. I thought maybe that conversation meant she was finally loosening up around me. But alas, I was wrong. She went right back to the same old same old the very next day.

So in talking to her, I don’t know what the right approach is.

10

Need I even say that I’m the exact same way? :slight_smile:

11

Are you friendly enough with your coworker to broach the topic with him? Ask him what he thinks, if he’s trustworthy enough not to going blabbing away to the boss (“hey boss lady, you with the face thinks you hate her!”).

Maybe he can help the boss be more considerate by bringing you into the conversation more (as in “you with the face may be a better person to talk to about that” or “you with the face and I were talking about that just the other day”).

If that doesn’t work, I would consider Jodi’s idea about talking to her one-on-one.

I’m betting she knows there’s awkwardness between you, but she doesn’t know what to do about it.

12

I bet that’s true.

You could flat out ask her, but it might just put her on the defensive.

13

I’m friendly enough with my coworker but amazingly enough, I haven’t told him about this at all. I haven’t even hinted that there might be any social problems going on between the boss lady and me. I guess because I don’t want to come across as the stereotypical whiny female who finds fault in her female superiors for catty reasons. “She doesn’t look at me enough!” just sounds stupid, and I don’t like sounding stupid, dammit! I’m not one to make waves.

I swear, between the lunch stalker and this thing, I’m starting to feel like a socially inept wimptard who is constantly butting her head against communication issues. What is wrong with me? ::cries::

14

Hmmm, well… so much for my earlier theory, though it could still be that she just feels more comfortable around men in general.

You’re definitely in a tough spot. You’re entitled to ask if there is a problem, as Jodi suggests, though it likely won’t be easy for either of you. Maybe the next time you three have a meeting and something is brought up that is news to you, you can take it as an opportunity to a) make a mild comment in the meeting, so that your co-worker becomes aware that there might be stuff you’re missing, and b) launch a discussion with your boss in private. Bringing it up out of the blue with either your boss or co-worker would be awkward at best, I think.

Beyond that, as long as work communication is corrected to happen as it ought to… I don’t think there’s much you’ll be able to do, and I don’t know that I would even try.

15

you with the face, I think you’ve received great advice so far, particularly from **Jodi ** and monstro. It could be that your boss has difficulty relating to other women in your particular field, or it could be that she doesn’t know how to relate to you/somehow thinks less of you because you’re a vet, or etc. Those possibilities are indeed worthy of taking into consideration, but there is something that occurred to me that hasn’t been asked yet.

Lawd knows that I’m reluctant to ask, but ask I will: What are the ethnicities/races of the players here? Also–and I don’t thnk you’ve mentioned this (and I’d hate to be guilty of not reading the thread closely enough)–but are there other women there with whom she relates better than she does with you?

Before I get raked over the coals (albeit somewhat gently, I’d reckon, as we’re not in the Pit) for inquiring about race, I want to be clear that I’m not saying that race/ethnicity necessarily has anything to do with this. IOW, I am NOT trying to turn this into a race/ethnicity thing. However, I am a Black man in America, and my experience has taught me that, as much as I’d like to do otherwise, I do have to take these kinds of questions into consideration.

And even if it appears that there could be, on the surface, a race/ethnicity issue, I’m certainly not prepared to insinuate racial malice on the part of **you with the face’s ** boss. For instance, if the boss is of a different race/ethnicity than you with the face, given whatever her life experience might be, she might not be…umm, well-versed in dealing with Black people, or Black women, or whatever.

So, yeah, that’s what I was wondering. And here’s to hoping that I haven’t just made a fool out of myself on the Dope. (After all, I post so rarely that I think it would take me quite awhile to live something like that down.)

P.S.: So, you with the face, you still play in an orchestra, huh? Do you have any idea how cool that is?! Good for you! And that comes from a former violist who wishes that he hadn’t stopped playing lo those many years ago. :frowning:

16

[hijack]

Viola power!

It’s not too late to pick it back up, you know. I took a five year break from mine and then one day started playing again. I haven’t stopped since.

[/hijack]

17

It’s a good question and if anyone slams you for asking that, then I’ll be the first one to call them a stupidhead.

  1. First question: My boss is white. Coworker is black. I’m black. Because I don’t recognize any communication issues between she and my coworker, racial tension is not high on my differential list. But I haven’t yet ruled out her having issues with black women. It’s a possibility.

  2. Second question: It’s hard for me assess how she interacts with other women, especially women subordinates. Her boss is female and from my vantage point, they get along fine. But my vantage point is also limited. I’m the only female under her direct supervision. The other women that work in my division are stationed in out-of-state field offices and she doesn’t have the opportunities to interact with them like she does with me. I’m rarely privy to her dealings with them.

So I don’t have much to go on here. Whatever it is, it’s something that is outside of my control, that much I’m 95% sure about.

It’s never too late to pick it up again. Your skills will return with a little practice, if you’re anything like me. The fingers never forget! :slight_smile:

18

Can you invite her to an orchestra performance? It could be a great ice breaker.

19

I think that you’ve already gotten better advice above than I’m capable of giving, but I’ll chime in to state my opinion on your situation, since you asked. When your boss returned from her trip, she pretty much had a duty to check in with you. I can’t imagine doing what she did, and I’ve never had a boss who didn’t do one on ones with his/her direct staff upon returning from an absence. That’s weird, and you’re not being too sensitive, IMO.

20

I think Jodi has this dead right. You can bring this up openly as an office communicaions issue. Then it’s a matter of improving the department’s performance as well as your individual performance.

As a byproduct of the exchange you might get some clues to the behaviors that aren’t so amenable to open discussion. You can always decide later to pursue additional strategies to figure things out.

And, no I don’t think you’re imagining things, or over-reacting. If this is a place you can see yourself being for a long time, then this is a problem that needs a solution.