Thanks for the input. It’s not the specific issue with the PC that bothers me so much as that she puts my son in the position of having to tell her “yes or no”. My son gets who she is and what’s she’s like. He won’t leave any money at her house, because she will “borrow” it for gas money and tell him after the fact.
He still loves her because she’s his mom. And he’s not interested in pursuing living with me full time because he knows that she would just cut him off completely if he did that. She’s classic borderline personality disorder (my own diagnosis). So I’m guessing that at some point in his life she will do exactly that, cut him out of her life…as she has done every other family member or friend in her life.
I am not a parent, but I am the child of a very unamicable divorce.
It seems to me that your son is old enough to have some responsibility. On the flip side, it’s not a good idea to slam the other parent; let the kid make the decision. If it were my kid, I’d sit the kid down for a serious chat:
"Okay, so in regards to the car. I know you very much want a car. However, you know my rule is that you are the only driver: no friends, no family members, no one else. That is not negotiable. If you want me to buy you the car, that’s how it will be.
“I do have one concern before I buy this car for you. I realize that having a car could put you in an awkward position if someone asks to use your car and you feel pressured to let them drive it. I can understand that’s a situation that may be difficult to avoid. So, I want you to think about your car. Do you want to leave it with me at first to see if this will be difficult for you? This way, you won’t have to tell anyone no; you can just say that I have the car.”
Let the kid make the decision. 99.99% odds, the kid takes the car to Mom, Mom twists his arm, he relents. But then it’s he that made the choice. He had the chance to opt out and say, ‘I don’t want to be in the position to have to tell Mom no’. But if he says he will not allow Mom to use the car and does anyway, then it’s a lot more fair to punish him by taking away the use of the car.
You know what? Give him the car, keep it in your name, keep control of it, but put him and his mother as insured drivers, with the understanding that if she abuses the privilege of occasionally using the car, it disappears. I think you have to work with the situation you have, not try to force one that won’t happen. If she’s not on the insurance, I think you’d be the one who’d end up paying if she had an accident, because I don’t think anyone here doubts she’ll be using the car. Maybe if you kept an eye on the mileage, you’d have a fair idea of how much she’s using it - theoretically your kid would be driving to school, to a job, to the mall, and not much more. I don’t think you want to put your son in the position of squealing on his mom, either.