Here’s the dilio, yo. I am making a mega-budget blockbuster film about lust among the Intertube geeks. It’s called The Sphincter of Our Heart’s Content. Casting call is open to any Doper with more than 100 posts. Pretty much anything goes. You can hump anything of legal age: man, woman, wildebeest, cantelope, what have you. You can work any hours you want, and demand any salary you desire, up to $100,000 for a standard eight-hour shift (lunch is paid). You basically call all the shots. If none of the available talent pool meets with your approval, absolutely no expense will be spared to hire the professional of your choice. This will be distributed on DVD, Blu-ray, and direct download, so full transparency should be expected. Everybody and their dog will know that you did this film. Raise your hand if you want in. Ideally, please also state why you would or wouldn’t be interested in availing yourself of this amazing one-time offer.
hell yeah
I wanna bang an asian girl
Oh shit. I forgot to do a poll. Now I have to count all the responses by hand. I’ve never done one before; is it too late to quickly whip one out after the fact?
How about the definitive recreation of Louis XIV’s anal fistula operation (albeit featuring a life-size unicorn instead of the actual surgical instruments) with a 1970’s Funk soundtrack?
Whatever floats your gondola, buddy. It’s entirely your call. I also neglected to mention that everybody is cootie-free. Medical exams will be conducted at the production company’s expense. The results will be recorded in an encrypted database using a numerical identification system only. All physical evidence from the examination will be immediately incinerated.
Can you get Tom Selleck? I’m pretty vanilla, so it would be fairly romantic, not brutal or weird. Maybe something outside, with soft grass and flowers all around.
We will spare no expense trying, but the final decision ultimately rests with Mr. Selleck. You may have accept an impersonator.
As you may have already noticed, I figured out how the poll-a-ma-jiggie works. Please vote away.
I call dibs on the cantelope of legal age.
And I’m calling dibs on the wildebeests.
Hell yes I’ll do it. Because the partner(s) I would require would enable me to sell my story to any number of tabloids, get me a book contract, and otherwise cover all the money I would lose from being fired from my job, blacklisted in my profession, and quite likely having my wife and cats leave me.
Dopers’ spouses (and pets) are eligible to be extended contract. You and your wife may each claim the maximum payment permitted, if that changes anything.
If you put me in the movie, you’ve got a guaranteed foolproof money-making deal: charge people fifty dollars for the software codes that blocks out the image of me, nekkid, doing the nasty with a papier-mache “Gorilla Grodd” facsimile.
Everyone’s happy: pure profit.
I’m surprised you’re not offering me $100,000 NOT to be in the film.
Dibs on porn screen name!
“How GNU doin’?” 
Will there be a voiceover narrator? I could do that.
“It was 6 a.m. on Saturday, and a cantaloupe shipment was late for the depot. Shift manager Rod Reddy and his new intern Kittie went out to see what was the holdup…”
Need a fluffer?
ETA: keep the ladies ready, I’m on it.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhh…
Whaaaat kind of cantaloupe?
Helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll no.