As could her parents.
Would you mind telling us how old your son is now? And yes, it’s so we know how [del]much to laugh at you[/del] much to commiserate with you.
Who’s fault is it this niece is so spoiled? Who’s fault is it she doesn’t help around the house? Or appreciate the value of money? Who’s fault is it she has attitude?
Would I hesitate to allow my 13yr old daughter to vacation with another family, in a foreign country. I would indeed. It would have nothing whatever to do with any attitude, helping with chores, pocket money given, or how rich the parents were, though. I find it a little baffling that those things are your focus, to be honest. Safety and supervision of the child would be first and foremost for me, and I won’t be easily convinced.
Did you seriously expect these parents, who produced such a child, to suddenly change their stripes, and not want her to be so spoiled as to get $200 and a vacation in the Bahamas? You need to stop expecting these parents to be other than as they have repeatedly demonstrated. Your expectations seem somewhat out of whack with reality.
How is it, in 13yrs, you haven’t figured out, that how they raise your neice is ‘not as you would do’?
People sure get defensive about how they rear their kids. No, It is not my business. Just bringing the topic up for discussion. No, I have no desire to say anything to my SIL since she has raised what she has raised. And technically the actual question is that there is no harm in her taking a trip. So thank you for all the opinions. It seems that the “normal” teen behavior of being rude, talking back, disrespecting parents, and having no understanding of the value of the dollar, expecting to get everything you want, and whining about helping out around the house, all of that is not only accepted but EXPECTED. I get it. But her getting good grades and doing good in sports only, will not help her be an independent adult without needing “mommy’s” help. But perhaps that’s what the mom wants, for her daughter to be dependent on her for everything. So sure let her go on a trip, do not force the issue of needing to help out, and continue to let her be spoiled. She will become society’s problem later when she can’t hold a job or clean a house. I guess she can marry a rich guy and hire a maid so she can continue being the spoiled princess.
You are absolutely right. It is not how I would do. I was just trying to get others’ take on it. And actually the trip safety and supervision would be the first concern. It was a given and I assumed that was taken into consideration. Sorry for not mentioning that. And yes you are right. These parents won’t change. I should not expect them to.
I’m not particularly convinced that the child is half as bad as you seem to think she is. You’ve given two examples of what you think is terrible behavior, but I’ll I’m seeing is one solid instance of “talking back” to her parents (“no way!”). We have no other information on how the parents handled this one misstep, nor do we know if the child ever actually performed the chore. You say she gets everything she wants, but a that means is she gets more than your kids do. You say she dies nothing around the house, but that would be more than a bit uncharacteristic of a teen who gets excellent grades and successfully plays a sport.
It sounds you’re jealous of the family’s financial success, and are trying to seek high ground as the superior parent.
In the end, who cares? Are you going to have to take care of the kid when she grows up? I see it a totally different way. The kid’s 13. In about 5 years, she will have to start taking responsibility for her life and things will never be the same again. She will go to school, or work, or get married - whatever she does, she will have to do it as an adult, even if her mommy helps her.
She will never get another chance to go abroad as an unfettered 13 YO.
When I was ten and when I was fifteen, I was sent to India to my family, alone each time. Those times are some of the best memories of my life. And you know, I backtalked to my mother, too. I had some good reasons I think, and my mother and I didn’t get along great, but she still sent me because she wanted me to have the experience. And now that I am 36 I remember those memories with so much love and fondness. I will never forget and will always be grateful for the times I had.
Wow!
I don’t think you do ‘get it’. At all. What you’ve written is all projection from you. This young women, while she doesn’t do chores (she’s not expected to!), or appreciate the value of money, (Hello, she 13!), attends school and gets good grades, performs well in sports. These two things, which you glide over, in favour of her flaws, (Really not flaws, in anything but parenting!), would indicate, to me, that she’s actually pretty well grounded. Both of those things take discipline, personal focus and maturity, to accomplish.
It doesn’t sound like the Mom feels the ‘need’ for her to help out. You do. Can’t clean a house or hold a job? She’s 13yrs old, get a grip on yourself! Her life is not doomed because she doesn’t have to pick up after herself, as you would make her do.
At thirteen, the truth is, she isn’t ‘spoiled’, or ruined, or doomed to dependence, on her ‘Mommy’. Stop projecting that for her. She is just raw material still, and will be well into her twenties. Do everyone a favour and step back. She sounds like a great kid. Save your outrage for when she actually starts to make her life mistakes and quit projecting your issues with how she’s been parented.
Try not to be so judgmental of how others parent, it’s not your place. If you want to judge, and just can’t help yourself - you gotta. At least do everyone the service of waiting until their is call to.
A surprise opportunity to holiday with another family is not going to ‘ruin’ her.
Yes, it is… and it is nothing new. Remember the 60’s with the love children and all their hippy free love, sit-in’s and pot smoking… or the 50’s and the greasers and their wild rock 'n roll music, hot rods and sock hops… or the 20’s and those wild flappers and their bathtub gin.
It is amazing how we ever made it this far, and I’m sure we won’t possibly make it another generation because some teen doesn’t want to wear a shirt her mom thinks is cool.
BTW… I’ve raised three kids through these years (two are still on the tail end of it) and they fuss and moan about things that I know they should appreciate.
It is obvious you haven’t yet… you will learn to pick your battles, and also realize that this thing called maturity can’t be forced into someone… they have to mature naturally.
And, just for fun… the one who was most upset about Mom’s opinions on cloths etc. and who loves to say “I didn’t make that mess… no way I’m cleaning it up” is saving me over $200k in college expenses due to her success in classes and soccer.
I sure hope she finds a rich guy and a maid so she won’t have to use that doctorate she is working on.
You are right. I should not be judging others’ parenting. I guess the whole “spoiled” thing irks me. But I did grow up knowing the value of a dollar-at age 8. So 13 is not so young to be learning that. With that said, she does well in school and sports but has always whined since she was 2. She is a “good” girl
In that sense but never says “thank you” and never is appreciative of all she has. THAT is what bugs me the most. But she’s not my kid…
This just in - A thirteen year old who doesn’t seem appreciative, or say, ‘thank you’ enough, to satisfy the Auntie who knew the value of a dollar at 8yrs, and is sometimes whiney! - film at 11!
As you keep changing, ‘what it is that’s really’, bothering you the most about this, I am left wondering why you can’t find it, in yourself, to just be happy your niece doesn’t have as hard a life as you had? You’re not 13, after all.
I really don’t see what one has to do with the other. You aren’t asking if the spoiled girl should be permitted to go on the trip because she misbehaves, you seem to be asking if a 13 year old should be permitted to go on vacation without paying for it. I took my daughter’s friend with us on a cruise to central america last summer when she was 14. It was a great experience for her and I had the advantage of having my daughter being occupied on sea days so I could read and relax. I don’t think 13 is too young as long as they trust the chaperoning parents.
Eventually your niece will learn the value of a dollar…or not. But that is really up to her parents to teach her and not allowing her to go on vacation probably wouldn’t be the place to start.
If I knew the family well enough and was confident she’d be safe, yes I’d let them take my kid to the Bahamas. Why wouldn’t I?
I have to admit, I read some envy in the OP. Does Ecamp have children that aren’t getting the same advantages?
Yes. You are right. Very well stated. Thank you for that:)
BTW I’m curious about the exact relationship. Is the girl’s mother your husband’s sister?
Thank you to all for giving me the straight dope! I over analyze things and my thoughts sometimes veer toward the irrational. I realize that spoiling kids does not always mean they will turn out rotten. Hopefully my niece will become a wonderful member of society. And hopefully, too, she will one day appreciate all she was given. Reading the comments has helped me see how judgmental I was being. 
Not getting into the teenage behavioral stuff. But as to the OP:
If the other family is happy to take the kid and they are a know & trusted entity I would say go for it.
But if the kid wants more than about $20 to spend on her trip she had better get her butt in gear & start helping around the place to earn it.
That’s right, 30 years ago we were little angels!
“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”
ATTRIBUTION: Attributed to SOCRATES by Plato, according to William L. Patty and Louise S. Johnson, Personality and Adjustment, p. 277 (1953)."
What are you trying to do here? Nobody ever reads the comments and decides that possibly they may have been wrong and thinks that they should change.
No, you are supposed to get mad, defensive and let us all know that we are idiots. That’s the way it works here… are you trying to throw the universe off by considering that other opinions may be valid?
Get with the program and pit one of us!!!
