So I been working hard the past couple of weekends and I’ve come up with a new business plan and figured out all the kinks and I’m ready to launch it:
And works just like it does in the movies. You pay us and we will do a montage sequence of any specific task that you don’t want to do.
Need to clean your house? Do a 30-second house-cleaning montage!
Want to get through all the work to get your Ph. D. without doing all the work for that Ph. D.? We have montage sequences for that, too!
Drama queen? Don’t want to go through the burden of the “Happy, Together” phase of a new relationship before your unique blend of neurosis and hang-ups begin to derail not just your life, but the lives of innocent bystanders as well? We have just the montage… and song… for you!
… But we’re having a debate about the roll-out. Our marketing gurus want to know what you think - pricing, use, likes and dislikes about this product. To that end, they insist you know the following:
- We can guarantee the outcome, but it will attained in a reasonable amount of time - no 80s sitcom fadeout/fadein’s here*. So don’t worry about getting screwed and, using the Ph. D. montage example again, exit the montage 60-years later, at the age of 86, getting an honorary Ph. D. from Bohunk State**.
Conversely, don’t expect us to throw a wedding together in 30 minutes.
However, the time within the montage is real time: So if you pick a 1-year montage, a years worth of life will happen to you in the 60 seconds it takes to complete the montage. If you have kids, they will be one year older at the end of the montage. During your PhD montage, you might go through 4 years and 3 lovers before it’s all done.
Subjectively, you will be aware only of the events occurring within the montage. Because we are compressing time, you come out unaware of how things are changed outside of the montage. Yes, your kids are 1 year older… and one might have gotten pregnant in the past year… but you don’t know this until after the montage sequence ends
HOWEVER, from your family’s point of view, it is like you’ve been there the entire time. So no:
“Shit. Again? I need help with my homework. Do you know what she’s montaging?”
“Studying for her insurance license.”
“Dammit, the test is Tuesday. We might not see her for another five days.”
type discussions… to them, you are always “there”. From your point of view, you montaged a whole weekend+ away.
No world beating events though. Can’t montage your way to the Presidency, to being the greatest Revolutionary force known to mankind, to being Bill Gates or Alexander the Great.
Pricing depends upon time and difficulty. Cleaning the house will be much cheaper than getting ready for the Big Presentation which is far cheaper than Earning A Degree.
Oh, you DO get to pick the song! You can even direct the look and feel of the montage.
So… would you pay for this service? For what life events? How much would you pay? What events in your past would you have paid to have montaged?
*You know what I mean. Mike Seaver has invited all the popular girls to his house, saying that his sister Carol is going to make her special dessert. Carol freaks, fucks up, and right before it all goes to hell, Mom Maggie Seaver walks in, has a heart-to-heart with Carol, then puts on an apron, with the screen fading to black. After commercial, within 5 minutes of real time, Maggie has put out a feast requiring a staff of 5 working 7 full hours. Carol is now popular, and everybody ends up hating Mike because he’s a smarmy asshole with Religious Superiority issues.
Yeah, we don’t do that.
**No offense. They produce the world’s finest bohunks, that’s for sure.