I have a 23yr old brother with Aspergers who is interesting but does and says some pretty weird things. The latest thing he told me that he does is on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram to women who were in his high school class or college class saying he thinks they’re attractive and wants to organise dates with them.
It all seems innocent but I’m not sure. He tells me that he doesn’t know any of these people and only met them once or twice. What’s even more concerning is how much he seems to know about them. He spends an inordinate amount of time looking up their photos on Facebook, their Skype usernames, and finding out their email addresses to send stuff to them.
It does sound like the textbook case of stalking but without the element of violence or threat of violence, could someone brush it off as an obsessive interest in someone rather than anything illegal? I should mention that he’s seen a psychiatrist about this who doesn’t seem to think it’s an issue.
I’m 50% this. I say this because I have on occasion heard women throw around “stalker” when someone who they are not interested in asks them out. To me it is not appropriate to go directly to that description. If the asker is rebuffed, and accepts the answer and moves on, then it’s not stalking, yah?
However, relying on publicly available social media to hit up prospects for dates? Hmmm, I’m old so I’m not really experienced on how it’s done today, but ISTM that sliding into someones DMs, and using apps to hook up, etc., is kinda how it’s done, yah?
There’s a difference between reading someone’s facebook wall after they’ve friended you, and stalking their social media to learn all about them in order to fake coincidental connections. Like, does he find out what coffee shop they like and then “happen” to hang out there fore the next three weeks?
There is the legal definition of stalking, and then there’s creepy behavior that simply won’t lead to a healthy relationship. It’s possible bro needs guidance of the latter sort.
It is certainly normal these days to google search a hot crush, or check out their social media. “Liking” their stuff is a great way to let them know you dig them. The question is whether the behavior becomes direct or remains subversive. Does he ask them out? How does he react if they say “no”?
After the “no” is where illegal and dangerous stalking usually begin. So if you don’t know how he handles that, you should ask him about it, and maybe provide a few examples of healthy responses. Put an emphasis on stopping all “following” behavior, online or IRL, after the “no.”
It’s off-putting if he is just coming out of the blue and asking them for a date. Facebook and especially LinkedIn isn’t Tinder. It’s been a long time since I’ve dated, but I assume the general process is still striking up a conversation with someone (whether in person or online) and then asking them if they want to meet up and do something. If someone I barely knew from high school or college messaged me and was like “do you want to go on a date”, I be inclined to say “no”. Then again, it depends. If they were like “Hey I’m new in town, you might remember me from high school, would you be interested in meeting up for a drink or coffee”? I think that’s ok. I think I’d still want to see if I could tolerate an online conversation first.
If they block him on Facebook he doesn’t try anymore. He says no one ever responds and to be honest, it’s understandable. I can’t imagine though how embarrassing it is for some women cause one of the people he messaged was working at a supermarket we used to live in before we moved house. He’s never seen her again but I imagine if he did then it would be super awkward.
No, it doesn’t sound like stalking to me. It sounds like someone with Asperger’s obsessing or fixating on an interest, which happens a lot. If he’s not continuing to follow through once blocked and he’s not doing anything in person it sounds kind of strange from the position of social norms but not everyone fits those. He likely struggles to understand such things. I hope he can get some help to move his interest elsewhere but I don’t know how successful that ever is.
It’s funny because he unlike many others actually has a high degree of self-awarness. He isn’t “mind blind”. However, his actions tell a different story, it’s like he’s aware of how he’s weird but not aware enough of what to do about it.
It isn’t only a matter of what he does if they straight out say “no”. It’s also a matter of what he does if they ignore him. If he only tries once and then stops if he gets either a negative response or no response, that’s one thing. If he keeps asking and asking until he either gets blocked or gets an expressed hard no, that’s something else.
It reads to me as if even the one ask isn’t in an appropriate context, and is therefore a bad idea. And hunting up their email addresses for this sort of purpose is going to come across as really creepy. This may be a genuine case of his not understanding that it’s creepy or why; but I think you should try to explain it to him. The question isn’t only whether he’s doing something illegal, but whether he’s annoying and/or frightening people.
My textbook listed 15 ~ 20 different kinds of reported/prosecuted stalking. What your cat does to a bird, what your puppy does when you come home after school. Acting like your mother: acting like your little sister.
Pretty much anything you do is included in a textbook case of stalking.
[bolding mine, because it stopped me in my tracks… wtf?]
He “doesn’t know any of these people” and he’s asking for a date? And it’s clear that when you say “people” you really mean young women.
And “send stuff to them”? How would you feel if you were a young woman and suddenly someone you don’t know started emailing you? Yes, I’d feel stalked. And if someone’s acting mentally “off”, these women don’t know if he’s going to go away or ramp up the obsession if rebuffed.
This is NOT acceptable. Someone needs to parent this kid. Oh, just reread the OP… he’s in his twenties. This adult.
I’ve been on the receiving end of something close to this.
I received a friend request from a guy who looked familiar, but I couldn’t place him at first. After a day or two, I remembered: I had met him only once, over a year ago at a friend’s birthday party. I hadn’t talked to him much, and I could tell there was something mentally off about him. He just sat at the table and didn’t say much, and wore the dazed smile of someone who didn’t quite comprehend what was going on around him.
He messaged me, and I didn’t respond. He went on to message me ten more times over a period of two months, calling me bae and sending me heart emojis, sending me gifs, talking about how he noticed that I work out and he works out, too. Never responded to any of these. I have no clue how much information he might have gathered about me.
I did not consider it stalking. I certainly thought it was weird, occasionally laughed about it with a friend of mine and showed her some of his messages. But I understood that there was something mentally off about him and I could tell that he was harmless. While I wouldn’t call it appropriate behavior, I also wouldn’t consider it anything illegal or harmful. I just figure that when people have neurological deficits/differences, they struggle to understand what is and isn’t appropriate behavior.
Note that I’m not saying that he did mean any harm. Most people who behave like that, whether or not it’s because they’re atypical, probably don’t take it any further. But I don’t see that you had anywhere near enough evidence to be certain that he was harmless.
aaronhernandez presumably knows their brother well enough to be sure – though I note that in that first post they sound a little uncertain. But the people getting messages from the brother don’t. If he’s tracking down emails, how do they know that he’s not tracking down physical addresses? How are they supposed to know he’s not going to show up some night?
And bear in mind that we have no way of knowing – and the brother has no way of knowing – whether any of the women approached have already, in their lives, been assaulted or harrassed by somebody else. Some people are quite justifiably more easily spooked than others.
Again, if what he’s doing is posting once on a public social media page saying ‘hey, do you remember me from class? wanna go out sometime?’ and then dropping it after the one request unless he gets a positive response, that’s probably going to be seen as annoying and it’s unlikely to work but (depending on how he’s phrasing that he finds them “attractive”) it’s not terrible. If what he’s doing is posting over and over until/unless he gets blocked and/or given a hard explicit no, he really needs to cut that out. And hunting up emails for the purpose is way out of line.
In a rom-com, it would be funny and quirky. IRL, especially in Linkin, it’s stalking IMO. A woman should be able to have the same professional presence on Linkedin as a guy (which I am). A guy pursuing women on Linkin would be like a guy pursuing (read “pestering”) women at a professional conference.
“LinkedIn in a professional networking site; it’s not a social site. It’s to help you manage your professional contacts and your career.
And most people on LinkedIn — and at work — want to be judged first as professionals. People don’t generally want colleagues assessing their attractiveness or sizing them up as a potential date. Most people want colleagues to be thinking about their competence, not whether they might want to make out with you.”
I work in a company that values diversity and I’ve worked for a female project manager (I feel like I’m saying “some of my best friends are…”) and am surrounded by talented and brilliant engineers and technical specialists in defence and transportation.
I also had a 30 yr career in the military, in the latter years of which women were becoming fighter pilots and captains of naval warships.
People like my coworkers and colleagues don’t need that sort of crap, regardless of the reason.
I’m sorry but what your brother is doing is very inappropriate and unsat.
This is NOT stalking. I’m not saying it’s okay to do (it’s a bad idea if he legit wants a date), as women are likely to be a bit weirded out by this. But awkwardly asking for a date and then leaving women who say no or don’t respond alone is NOT stalking. If he was keeping tabs on them, following them on other social media channels or trying to contact them in public, I’d be saying something entirely different. That said, like Velomont stated, it is inappropriate, and someone should have a talk with that kid, because he is likely making women uncomfortable, and he could potentially escalate.