This is pertinent to me ( day 15 ) but this isn’t about me. I’m curious in general. Would there be other factors for you to consider? Say he/she has a stable job, nice house, nice personality as far as you can tell, would this make any difference. Or is this a deal breaker no matter what?
How about the amount of time being sober? I’m sure someone would consider five years of sobriety vs fifteen days much more impressive and less likely to blow up in their face.
Brutal honesty in real life vs online dating sites. Should this be mentioned in either case? Especially online since one wrong thing said can put you on the not to be considered list, and being an alcoholic is a biggie to most people for sure.
I admit that I’ve chosen this path for less than noble reasons. My health has gone down hill to the point that my Doctor has told me that if I want to see 2010 I can never drink again and secondly my job performance has suffered lately and has not gone unnoticed.
Again, this isn’t really about me, just some general questions since this is new territory for me. And I would like to get into the dating game again sometime in the future.
Sure, although yeah, it would depend on how long they were sober. A friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic of many years, and I have nothing but respect for her.
Most counselors will counsel you against getting involved in a relationship (or making any major life decisions) so early on in your sobriety. You need to be thinking about the adjustments YOU need in YOUR life while you’re learning how not to spend time drinking. The object of your affection probably knows this, as well and may be hesitant to get down with you for that very reason.
Yeah, I don’t see why not. I’d rather date someone who is recovering than someone who is an alcoholic in denial!
But agree with the above that it makes sense to make sure the “friend of Bill” is steady in their ways and doing well before plunging right in to things.
Having been clean for 21 years, I pretty much only date recovering women. Most of them have been great. A couple have been bat-shit insane. But we are always taking a chance.
Well, as a person who doesn’t drink alcohol and is largely uninterested in it, I might be a good choice for a recovering alcoholic to date. On the other hand, my lack of knowledge about the effects of drunkenness and about handling drunken people might make it a bad idea. So… I wouldn’t say no, but I’d be cautious.
I’d be cautious, but it wouldn’t be an instant rejection either. I’d want to know how long sober and whether ‘classic alcoholic’ behaviors are still around. Less than a year sober, and I’d be reluctant, I think. More time is better.
I wouldn’t reject someone out of hand, but I confess that if someone admitted they had a problem with alcohol – and admitting is undeniably a good and necessary step – it would make a difference if they were off the sauce for five minutes, five days, five months, or five years. Five minutes/days? Sorry, I’m going to consider you a current (problem) drinker. Five months? Probably a bit shakey, but committed to recovery and if I liked you, I’d see you again, though I’d be cautious and we’d be taking it slow. Five years? No problem, though I would change my own behaviors to respect and support your recovery (not go to drinking places with you, not drink around you).
I can’t speak from experience, but I’ve always assumed that committing to recovery and following through is freaking HARD. I would imagine that any person who was in the early stages would have more important things to thing about than the good, bad, or ugly of a new relationship. Recovery is kind of definitionally “working on yourself,” and it’s hugely important. I would not want to interfere with that, at least not in the early, crucial stages.
I would have said yes before I tried it. . . twice. Both times started out well enough, but then out of nowhere. . . bam!. . . really weird behavior. So now that I have the generalization in my head, I think I’d be really wary. Two may not be enough for a generalization in other things, but for me, in this, I’m going with it.
I have never seen a successful relationship that began when one of the participants was in his or her first year of recovery – and that includes my old NA sponsor, who married another NA member and had two kids with him before it went to shit.
Ones body goes through a lot of changes that first year. Your mind will change as well.
I can sum it up quite nicely for you with a personal anecdote: after I gave up drinking wife and I went through a transition period, I was no longer the same man I was when I was active. Over that first year I became very different, more present. Our relationship was no longer the same. We needed to either reinvent our relationship as a married couple or leave each other for greener pastures. In time we stayed together - but we changed our wedding bands to reflect the evolution our lives and marriage had gone through. That took over a year to come to that decision, it was very difficult, but in our case we made it one day at a time.
I’ll second what Kalhoun and others have said as well.
Coming back to what I said, I should have prefaced that by saying what happened between my wife and I was more the exception than the rule. Basically, I got lucky.
Most relationships that I have seen do not make it, the “normal” spouse can begin to have problems because they no longer need to protect or take care of the alcoholic, this can lead in several directions.
And like has been mentioned, major decisions in the first year should be avoided if possible.
I think it would be fairly low down on my list. I have two friends who are recovering alcoholics, both via the AA route, and both for several years. One of them is very active in the community, has a great attitude, and is genuinely a great guy (and is hung like a horse :p) - I’d date him in a second if it would work in a long-term sense, but we no longer live in the same city. The other friend, who has been in AA for several years is often moody and distant, and those are qualities I wouldn’t want in a partner, regardless of alcoholism.
FWIW, I’ve passed on a couple of smoking hotties who prominently mentioned their recoveries in their Match profiles.
To be frank, much of my social life involves drinking in one way or another. Going to see a band? It’s probably at a bar. Art opening? There’s wine. Dinner? Well, I usually like a nice glass of beer when I eat. Family gathering? In my family, bourbon is one of the four food groups.
I’d be uncomfortable being involved with someone who I knew was newly recovering in those kinds of situations unless I knew that they were absolutely and unquestioningly okay with the environment. And even if they made assurances, I’d probably still feel a bit of discomfort and feel responsible to them.
I’d feel the same way if somebody mentioned their personal relationship with Jesus before they asked me out on a date.* Thanks, but it probably won’t work out.
To be fair, I know a lot of people – men and women – who ended up divorced over the sober alcoholic’s behavior. There is a lot of selfishness inherent to the process, and more than one person lost their spouse to AA as much as they’d lost them to drinking. In fact, I dated a guy when I was still in AA who had no problems cancelling dates with me in order to attend AA or NA events, and who took lengthy “sponsee” phone calls at dinner. Repeatedly. I told him to get lost and call me back when he was ready for a relationship with some actual relating.
So it’s not just the “normal” spouse who has problems.