Wow. That’s just insane. Seriously…cuckoo! cuckoo! The fact that he didn’t mention his hang-ups on the site is a huge red flag.
There is a saying thay just because you enter AA it doesn’t mean you will be any less an asshole. An Assholio who enters AA can still be a sober assholio.
AA has a bit of a slippery slope to it, on one hand it has helped a lot of people, but on the other hand there are so many circumstances that need to come together for it to work - and the very nature of the disease/disorder/addiction gives AAers a lot on their plate when they are getting sober. A new girlfriend/boyfriend can complicate ones recovery, especially in the beginning.
Although - another saying says: Live and Let Live.
He definitely should have mentioned it prior to the date, but how is it cuckoo-cuckoo insane?
Because it’s manipulative. If he really can’t be around alcohol after 23 years, then his program didn’t work. He may have gained sobriety, but he’s not functioning in general society and he needs to let his potential make the choice to enter into “his” lifestyle prior to taking her to a drinking venue. To ask a virtual stranger to order something else is incredibly self-centered. The guy sounds like a real control freak to me.
I wouldn’t date someone I knew to be an alcoholic, actively drinking or recovered. Alcoholism is something a family hobby, which is the main reason I rarely drink.
I wouldn’t want to date someone who’d very recently made a big, dramatic change in their life, be it becoming religious (I’m an Orthodox Jew, and while my husband didn’t grow up Orthodox, he’d been so for a decade when we met), giving up an addictive behavior, recently divorcing, etc. I think when someone makes a change that big, they need time to adjust and figure out who they are exactly, and what they want, and until they’ve had about two years of adjustment time, I wouldn’t feel sure that the person had settled down post-change yet.
After that, I don’t think it’d be my favorite thing about the guy, but it wouldn’t be a barrier in of itself. Of course, if there are underlying unresolved issues that led the person to drink in the first place, that’s a separate reason to say no.
I’m not much of a drinker (one mixed drink in a social setting every 2-3 months, but I could happily give up alcohol forever), so I’d probably be a good partner for someone in recovery in that sense. My husband and I joke that I’ve driven him not to drink, because I don’t, so if he drinks, he’s usually drinking alone and has to finish the whole bottle himself.
Judging by a few of the responses here I really don’t think some of you with no alcohol problems can really grasp how bad it can be. If I was on a date and she wanted a glass of wine or whatever, fine by me, I think. I still have time to decide what sort of restrictions I’ll need to put on myself.
I can tell you now though, there would be no goodnight kiss even if she wanted to because I would be too afraid of even a taste of alcohol. Another example, when I got home from the hospital I had my mother dump all the booze down the sink but she missed two beers that were still in the fridge. It took me three days to get the nerve to open them and dump them, not because I wanted to drink them but because I was afraid I might smell the beer. I finally just turned on the garbage disposal and held my nose.
Yes, that’s how bad it can get.
I lived with an alcoholic for 6 years, and I’ve seen a few other family and friends close to me succumb to alcoholism.
I don’t ever want to go through that again. If I dated someone who told me she was a recovering alcoholic, she would have had to spend at least a year sober and have to be fairly certain that she wouldn’t start drinking again.
Initial response would be “sure”, but it would depend on other factors–how long sober (at least a year minimum, and even that is awefully “soon”), and what the rest of his life looks like (employed? Living on his own? How is he health overall?). And, assuming he hasn’t replace one addiction with another.
I don’t drink, don’t frequent bars or dance clubs, and don’t tolerate drunks well at all, so no drinking and no alcohol in my life wouldn’t be a problem at all with me.
I wouldn’t advise mentioning it in an online dating ad though, although I would recommend stating that you don’t drink at all and are looking for someone who doesn’t drink. People do it with smokers, so why not? In this case, I think it would be absolutely necessary.
I understand what you’re saying, however, for most long-sober alcoholics, they are able to function among drinkers, for the most part. They may not frequent bars (though some do), but they’re able to go to family functions and restaurants and such and are able to say no to alcohol while others have a few.
When you’re talking about people with only a short time of sobriety under their belt, it’s understandable that they have trouble resisting. They haven’t had time to experience life without booze, haven’t learned how to enjoy life without it, and certainly haven’t been able to stop thinking about it as an extension of themselves.
This is my exact sentiment.
So she says “would you mind not drinking when you’re with me or are going to be with me later?”, I say “sure”. No big deal.
I wouldn’t go out with a recovering alcoholic.
Not because I’ve got any experience of alcoholics, recovering ones or current ones. Just because I know me, I know that I drink and it would constantly be in the back of my mind that I was leading the other person astray.
My actual ability to lead someone astray in real life would depend on who that other person was, of course. But seeing as the question is about a new potential relationship, presumably with a person I don’t really know much about yet, I would not know enough about him to know whether or not he could be led.
So it would be an instant no no to me.