I am glad the fact that basically oral herpes = genital herpes came up, because it is confusing. And, the fact that they are similar actually seems to make herpes far worse and far better in my eyes. Far worse because, jesus christ you can get it from oral sex. Is nothing sacred? Far better because, hey everyone gets cold sores. I guess herpes isn’t that big of a deal.
I don’t have herpes on my mouth or on my junk. If I was dating someone and they told me they had it I don’t know if I would break up right away. I would not have sex nearly as quickly as I would with someone who was clean. If it’s someone I decided I was lovey dovey want to spend the rest of my life with - I wouldn’t end it over that. But, I would still be a lot more careful before I let myself get in front of the herpes splatter area.
Diosa, I don’t think there is any problem with your ways. I was going to say something when oral herpes was originally discounted. But, now that I know you know, I don’t see anything wrong with your method. And, really if anyone sees an open sore and still wants to have sex I think they need to have their sex drive checked because something isn’t working right.
I learned from this thread that there is literally nothing anyone can do to decrease their chances of getting an STD by any measurable number except abstaining from sex all together. Just like how I don’t want a baby, so I take birth control. It doesn’t 100% provide that I wont get pregnant, so I’m just hopping off that pill and abstaining. Otherwise, it just isn’t worth the risk!
No, but it decreases the risk. It’s essentially impossible to eliminate the risk of herpes entirely, given how common it is. But it is possible to mitigate it.
By way of comparison: Colds can be transmitted when asymptomatic, too. But I’ll still refrain from shaking hands, and wash or sanitize my hands more often than normal, when I have cold symptoms.
People say this a lot, but I really don’t see it. I’ve never had a cold sore, neither has my husband, no one in my family has ever had one, and I can only remember one friend my entire life having one. Are they really that common?
Another question: how long do herpes outbreaks last? Because even if I did get into a relationship with a man with herpes, it would bother me that we had to take 2 weeks (or whatever) off of sex every so often. Two weeks is a long time to go without, IMO.
But I don’t really know. If the guy was perfect in every way and I thought we’d really have a future together, I might be willing to deal with it. He’d have to be quite a catch, though. I know this attitude is unfair, but there is something about that particular STD that’s scary and oogy. I absolutely feel for anyone who has it.
Well, I don’t get them, and neither does anyone I have ever dated. But, enough people get cold sores that they have ads for them, so I say everybody gets them. Just not me and the people I know and you, Renee. Everybody else. Oh, not Diosa, either. And, not a few other folks in this thread. Huh, I guess everybody was overshooting a bit.
For cold sores, it’s only a couple of days. For genital herpes, a couple of weeks, but it typically only happens a few times then tapers off or stops completely after the first year.
You can have the virus without getting cold sores. Just because you don’t have symptoms doesn’t mean you don’t have the virus. Most people with HSV don’t know they have it.
I don’t get cold sores, either. Can’t think of any friends who get them (though a good friend does have genital herpes).
I’m really on the fence. Would I consider it? I guess. I’m fairly willing to date anyone I find initially interesting and/or attractive, but this doesn’t seem to be in the spirit of what the OP was looking for.
I think the question-- and most of the answers-- assume not “are you willing to go on an initial date with someone who has herpes” but “are you willing to consider sexual relationship with someone that you’re dating who has herpes.” Sex isn’t automatically in the equation for me when I date someone; sex doesn’t occur until dating has led to a stable, romantic relationship.
Part of that pre-sex stage for me is frank discussion about sexual health, STD tests, etc. If I was told by a dating partner that she had herpes, or if an STD test showed that she was an asymptomatic carrier, I have to be honest: the relationship would have to be unusually solid at that early point for me to consider having sex with her. I would have to be able to completely trust her to communicate honestly about whether she was having an outbreak from that point forward; I’d have to be able to completely trust her to take her meds correctly if she was using Valtrex or something. In most cases, I do think it would be a dealbreaker, but I’m willing to say that it’s not 100%.
Starting with post #86, Renee riffed on the “everyone gets cold sores” misconcept that Pricciar brought up, and you then countered Renee in post #88 by showing the prevalence of HSV infection. Considering that Renee was stating that cold sores aren’t universal, you seemed to be addressing the topic of cold sores with data about something a bit different. If instead you were merely trying to flesh the topic out, then cool.
I was addressing the question of how common HSV-I is. I saw Renee riffing on the “everyone has cold sores” thing, but I don’t think anyone has actually said that they do.
OOOh, boy…took me a while to stop laughing after that one! Sorry…I was celibate for ten solid years after my divorce (not by choice, either) and I survived. And right now I’m in a long-distance relationship, so actual together sex is not as frequent as either of us wants, but we survive.
As to the age question, the friends I referenced in my first post are all in their 50’s. So maybe we do have a “life is too short to kick someone to the curb” attitude. My friend who is asymptomatic was also alone for many years after her divorce and figures she got it from a cheating husband, who has never mentioned to her that he has an active infection, though she hasn’t actually asked him. But they were close for many years after the divorce and she feels sure he would have told her if he knew…so she thinks he was probably asymptomatic, too, because she never saw anything even remotely like a sore when they were together. And her doctor was completely dismissive of any of her worries or concerns when she found out she had been exposed…told her there were much more important health issues to worry about than obsessing about not knowing when she might be shedding virus and able to infect someone else. He implied that given that she was probably exposed 30 years ago, she probably was only shedding virus maybe one or two days out of the year…maybe not even that much. But there is just no way to know.
And it is entirely possible that someone of DiosaBellissima’s age is already an asymptomatic carrier…do you really want to spend $700 to get tested? That’s how much my friend’s insurance company was charged. She was quite shocked at the price, and her gyno told her they normally don’t pay for it unless there is a pressing reason, like symptoms or a partner getting infected. The doctor said the insurance discouraged asymptomatic people getting tested “just to see if they are or not”. I don’t have anything more than her word about that, and YMMV with your insurance carrier.
Whenever I’ve had something bad happen (condom breaks with someone that’s more casual, etc.), I get blood tests for however long after that the doctor suggests I do. Two different insurance carriers covered that for a lab copay ($10 or however much it was), then- when I didn’t have insurance in college- the State of CA Medical thing paid for it readily. Of course, other insurance plans cover different things and such, as you say. And to head off any of the lectures I may get from some other members: yes, I’m aware the blood tests are not fool proof and I may still have herpes.
I’m glad you survived. Still, I’d rather not get involved in a relationship periods of enforced celibacy are an issue, if at all possible. Long distance relationships are pretty much a non-starter for me, and there is no way in hell I’d go ten years without sex. I’d be throwing myself at anything with a dick. It wouldn’t be pretty.
Some people do have terrible and/or frequent outbreaks, but by and large the worst thing about herpes is the stigma, and the level of judgmental vitriol aimed at the “gifted” community for being dirty, or tainted, or promiscuous, or icky, or whatever the specific objection may be.
And the hypocrisy is the worst part of that judgment, because oral herpes is so, so much more common than genital herpes, but doesn’t carry anything like the stigma. But given a choice, I’d much rather have it in my pants than on my face, for a variety of reasons.
I thought twice about posting in this thread given the tone of some of the posts here, but yours deserves seconding. And I’m shaking like a leaf now from the emotional reaction of it all, feeling judged and insulted and abused by the words of others even though none of it was aimed at me specifically. I’ve never had anyone do that in the “meat world” though, people have been mostly understanding and appreciative of being told before it became an issue for them, and some have been interested in learning more and appreciated my being willing to talk about it openly. Ignorance is the main reason why it’s reaching epidemic proportions – the more people know about it and how it works, and the more people don’t feel they have to hide it in order to be intimate, the less it will spread.
Herpes is probably the exception to that rule, as most of the STIs that lesbians are considered less likely to get/transmit seem to mainly involve body fluid exchange as such, while herpes is passed by skin-contact transmission. What would be most likely for lesbians, I would think, would be oral-to-genital transmission. Oral herpes can be relatively easily passed to the genitals, but the genital type is less aggressive and seems to be transmitted to the oral region a lot less than the other way around. They share 50% of their DNA, but there are a few differences like that.
Still, I’d rather not get involved in a relationship periods of enforced celibacy are an issue, if at all possible. Long distance relationships are pretty much a non-starter for me, and there is no way in hell I’d go ten years without sex. I’d be throwing myself at anything with a dick. It wouldn’t be pretty.