It seems I'm dating a girl that has herpes.

Not that I’ve contracted it. We’ve only been mildly “active”. But she felt it reasonable to warn me this evening given the likelihood that we will proceed further.

It doesn’t bother me. I will read a little more about it. I’m of the understanding that I can only contract it when she has “outbreaks” (would that be the right term?), which she says only happens for a few days once every year or so.

I’m glad she told me. Now we’ll deal with it.

My boyfriend, now husband, spent quite alot of time avoiding me when he had an outbreak. We had THE conversation early into our relationship. He suggested to me that we should just be friends because he was terrified of infecting me and doing me any harm. The fact of the matter is, you choose to love and overcome potential hurdles if it is important. I love my husband. I am willing to take the risk of infection. It is untrue that you can only be infected during an outbreak. You can be infected at any time. Statistics say, however, that it is more likely to become infected during and outbreak. We hope to have children at some point, however it will depend on the advice of our doctor. Herpes adds a significant amount of stress to a realationship. It takes an especially comitted couple to work through the ups and downs. I think and hope that we are this sort of couple.

A few factoids here:

  1. Herpes is a virus that has been with the human species since very early in our development. It does not cause early death or disability in the vast majority of cases. It is more of an annoyance than anything else.

  2. Chicken pox is one of the Herpes subtypes. If you had Chicken pox as a child, you still carry the virus, which can re-emerge as shingles later in life.

  3. Oral herpes (Type 1), arguably, has more of an impact than genital herpes when there is an outbreak because it is visible to others and often painful when one eats, smiles, or otherwise moves the lips. More than 50% of adults have been infected with this virus through contact with kissing family members and others as children.

  4. Genital herpes (Type 2) is very infectious when an outbreak is occurring. There is also sometimes asymptomatic viral shedding at other times, when there is no outbreak. In other words, a person with herpes can spread it to their sexual partner even during periods of time when there is no obvious “outbreak.”

  5. And this may be the most important point; Studies have been done on college students to calculate the prevalence of genital herpes infection in the population. Students were asked if they every had episodes of lesions, stinging, itching or other herpes-like symptoms in the genital area. Blood tests found that a large percentage of those who report NEVER having such symptoms were indeed infected with the virus. They might even be spreading it, while having no symptoms themselves. In other words, the majority of people who have genital herpes don’t even know it.

  6. There is no strong evidence that genital herpes causes cancer (unlike HPV, which is a more important cancer risk) or any other life-threatening conditions. Rarely, an active herpes infection (often a primary infection) late in pregnancy can cause defects in the newborn during the birth process. Most health care providers who deliver babies choose to do a cesarian section to lessen the risk to the baby in the birth canal, if the mother is experiencing an active herpes outbreak at that time.

If your girlfriend volunteered this information to you, then you should cherish her. Because she took the risk of rejection to be honest with you, which speaks well of her character. The fact is that you may already have or been exposed to herpes in the past. Using condoms will lessen, but not eliminate, the possibility of you being infected. it’s a good idea to avoid intercourse when your partner is experiencing an active outbreak. But, as I said earlier, this virus has co-existed with the human race almost since the beginning of time.

There are bigger things to worry about in life.

Hope this helps.
Jill

Yeeks. I didn’t know all of this. I guess I’m going to have to carefully consider what happens next. Are we serious enough that we’re considering a life together? If we are, do I risk infection before that commitment is made? I mean, I sure don’t want to find out that this relationship isn’t going to work out long-term, then go and have to find myself a new mate, though of course with my new herpes infection.

I also didn’t think of it as having ups and downs. She told me that she gets an outbreak about once a year for a few days. So I’m thinking to myself, “gee, no sex for a few days once a year? No prob!” I was thinking of it more like a mate who told me that they attend out-of-town conferences periodically. “Uhh…ok. We can work with that.”

I guess there’s more involved. And I have more study of the subject to do. And decisions to make. Of course, like JillGat said, I may already have herpes and not even know it.

As mentioned, she’s a good person for letting you know up front.

If someone already has herpes and is completely asymptomatic, does that in any way mitigate the risks of having intercourse with someone else who has the virus and suffers periodic outbreaks?

She’s a wonderful, thoughtful, funny, intelligent, inspiring, and warm lady for whom I have a great deal of respect, not to mention that she is a very dear friend (and hot…did I mention that she’s hot?). The fact that she told me very early in our romantic relationship is indicative of her tremendous qualities.

My reading thus far has taught me that genital herpes is caused by herpes simplex virus 1 10% of the time, and herpes simplex virus 2 90% of the time. My complete layman’s guess is that if one person had one and the other had the other, there is risk for cross-infection. Otherwise, if both parties have the same strain, I’m assuming there is no additional risk.

**JillGat ** - great post! I’d like to second everything you’ve stated.

I’ve read many times (but no cite right now, sorry) that it’s estimated that between 1/4 to 1/3 of the adult population in the US has herpes.

**neuroman ** - I’m not 100% sure I understand your question, but it’s my understanding that even people who are asymptomatic but carry the herpes virus can experience an outbreak at any time … it can actually show up years later, which can obviously cause problems in committed relationships (because of the assumption that it’s a recent infection).

**Standup Karmic ** - you could discuss this with your doctor, but I believe since the chances are very slim of contracting the disease when she is NOT experiencing an outbreak, and you use condoms consistently, which also reduce the risk, you are probably quite safe. I think this girl showed a lot of courage in telling you, and that the benefits of a serious relationship with someone with that kind of integrity outweigh the very low risk of contracting the disease if you’re both responsible and careful. Just my opinion of course. If you’re curious, you could also get a blood test that would tell you if you’re an asymptomatic carrier.

If the stats are true that 25-33% of the adult population has herpes, you will probably run into more than one potentia-relationship-type person who has the virus (but of course not all may be aware of it, and not all may be honest enough to tell you).

Take care of yourself … good luck.

Oral herpes, an infection caused by the herpes simplex virus, is estimated to be present in 50 to 80 percent of the American adult population. 20 percent, over 50 million people, are infected with genital herpes, also caused by the herpes simplex virus, and the majority of these cases may be unaware they even have it. Studies show that more than 500,000 Americans are diagnosed with genital herpes each year, and the largest increase is occurring in young teens

Source:
http://www.herpes.com/

According to this site, recent study has proven that there is an “astonishing” level of shedding of the virus among asymptomatic individuals. Of course, I know nothing of the site and the veracity of the report.

There is also medication she can take (it might be called Valtrex) that reduces the ‘shedding’ and the risk of infection, although it’s not 100%. It’s a fairly new drug.

Doctors also prescribe acyclovir (that’s the generic form) for treatment, but I believe it can also be taken in a preventative way, although I don’t know if that’s an approved use of it.

It’s my understanding that health professionals don’t want to downplay the chance that you might get it even if she has no symptoms, but also, it’s very rare to contract the virus during those times.

What it boils down to is there is not a 100% guarantee that you won’t get the virus from her unless you abstain from having intercourse.

She sounds like someone you really care about so maybe taking things slowly and really getting to know each other and what the future might hold BEFORE you take any risks is the best way to go?

What kind of birth defects does herpes cause?

**astro ** - it can cause problems if the mom is giving birth during an outbreak … as the baby passes through the vagina, there is a risk of it contracting the disease and I think the main risk is blindness. (I’m sure someone will correct me if I’m wrong)

If the mom isn’t having an outbreak, I believe she and her doctor have the option of doing the birth vaginally or by caesarean, with the usual pros & cons of each, but herpes isn’t a factor.

No. You either have the virus or you don’t. Something I forgot to mentiion earlier is that there is a blood test for Herpes Type 1 and Herpes Type 2. Ask your doctor (and/or the STD clinic) if it’s available and you can find out for sure about your own status. And if you have oral herpes, the antibodies may provide some protection against acquiring the genital type. I saw some study that said that. But that’s nowhere near 100%.

Again, genital herpes almost never causes serious harm to people. Like the OP said, the problem is the stigma associated with it and having to tell future partners that you “have it.” By far the biggest concern about genital herpes by the medical community is that if an infected person is having an outbreak - has sores - and has sex with someone who is HIV infected, they are much more likely to get HIV.

HIV is of course important to rule out in yourself and any sex partners you have. HPV - the virus that can cause genital warts - is very common in young people. And the subtypes that cause cervical cancer in women are mostly the invisible types (not the ones that cause visible warts).

I should clarify something I said earlier. Herpes doesn’t cause “birth defects.” If a delivering mother is having a herpes outbreak - especially if she’s been infected recently and it’s her first outbreak - it is possible for the baby to become infected during childbirth. It can cause blindness and other serious problems for the newborn. People talk about this a lot, but I believe it is extremely rare. Most OB docs don’t even ask pregnant women if they have herpes. If the woman complains of an outbreak or one is visible, that’s probably when the doctor would elect to do a C section.

Oh, and about the preventive medications - they do seem to lessen the outbreaks AND the asymptomatic shedding of virus in an infected person. So if your girlfriend takes the meds regularly, you will have some protection. This has been shown in studies, though the pharmaceutical companies are careful not to make this claim. Used to be acyclovir was the only thing available and you had to take like six pills a day. Now there are more absorbable forms and one can take them once or twice a day. They may be expensive, though.

I think it’s important to re-stress the point that the only difference between this girlfriend and anyone else you might sleep with is that she knows she has it AND she told you. Again, many people are infected and don’t know it and many people know they have it but would never tell you. She does not pose more of a risk than those in the other categories (maybe that sounds obvious, but anyway)… Please don’t treat her like she is contaminated.

This is probably the best source of info. about herpes: Herpes Resource Center

Just in case you don’t feel like browsing the website I just gave, I looked at it and found a couple of interesting facts, corroborating what I said more specifically:

90% of people with Herpes Type 2 do not know they have it.

Taking antiviral drugs regularly not only reduces active outbreaks; according to a document on that website, these drugs reduce asymptomatic viral shedding by 90%. So that’s some good protection right there.

30% of pregnant women are infected with Herpes Type 2. I can’t remember the statistic for how many neonatal cases there are, but I think they said it is less than one in a couple of million deliveries - extraordinarily rare.

No, I wouldn’t do that. At least, not in the judgemental manner that the statement suggests. I do believe that I’ll tell her that I want to avoid any sexual contact until I find out more about asymptomatic shedding and get a better handle on how serious we are.

Herpes may well be common and I agree that it certainly isn’t life-threatening. However, it can be somewhat life altering for a variety of reasons. Your post leaves the impressions that, since so many other people have it, it is of little consequence if I end up with it myself. I believe that it is an extremely important decision if I wish to place myself at risk of being a carrier of HSV for the rest of my life.

Caution - hyperbole to follow: Just because a particular stretch of train track is rarely used does not mean that one should cross it without first looking to see if a train is coming. Yes she was honest about it and yes others might have it and not tell me. That doesn’t mean that the possiblity of contraction of HSV should be dismissed out of hand. Anyone questioning that decision should search Google images on the word, “herpes” and you will see what I would really prefer NOT to get.

Oh, and JillGat, I want to thank you for taking the time to offer information and resources. I’ll be reading that site word-for-word, some of it probably twice. I do appreciate the time you and others have taken to help me to understand the issues.

JillGat, or anyone else, I’m wondering if anyone has any idea if there is an estimated risk of transmission during symptomatic and asymptomatic periods. In other words, is the risk of contracting the HSV, say 25%, during symptomatic and 3% during asymptomatic? Maybe it’s 100% during symptomatic and during asymptomatic viral shedding?

I’ve come to understand that viral shedding occurs somewhere in the order of 2% to 4% of days in any given year. If the risk of contracting is 1%, then 1% of 2% is a very, very small chance indeed. This is what I’d like best to understand.

For anyone who might be following this and be interested, it seems that I found an answer to my previous question. There isinformation on several sites indicating that the chance of an uninfected person contracting HSV during sexual activity with an infected individual that is shedding the virus (that is, is symptomatic and presumably also during asymptomatic shedding) is 75%, though other sites say the risk is 80% to 90% in women (yet anothe reason I’m happy to be a man?).

So, if I were to have sexual contact with my infected partner every day during asymptomatic periods, there is considerable chance of contracting it over the course of a year, given that 6 to 12 of those days she will be shedding the virus while still being asymptomatic.