Inspired by the recent zombie thread, it got me curious. No, not bi-curious. Stop that.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, Wiki has a brief overview.
So, as a more enlightened group than say, those folks over at Christian Mingle, I was wondering how Dopers feel about the subject.
You can choose a private house party, a club where similarly minded adults gather, or just that cute couple down the street. The details are unimportant. Just the thought of getting with someone new for the night.
To me swinging has a very specific meaning. Glancing at the wiki article I guess my definition is a lot narrower than what they say. When I hear the word I think of couples engaging in sexual activity with other couples. Many times in organized ways such as clubs and parties. I wouldn’t immediately think of just bringing another woman into the picture as swinging but I suppose technically it is.
I’m another person who had a much more narrow idea of “swinging” than the linked article describes.
My ex-fiancee brought in her best friend to be our mutual girlfriend. My ex is bisexual, and had a fantasy of seeing me with other women, so she thought it would be a great idea. I was apprehensive, but assented. Turned out my ex was seriously unprepared for the jealousy and self-doubt that flared up for her when fantasy became reality.
Overall, it wasn’t a good experience. If a future partner is self-assured and thinks/knows she wouldn’t be threatened by bringing in someone else, I might try it again, but it’s certainly not something I’ll seek out.
My wife and I both realize it would be an unnecessary stress factor. I kind of wonder about the relationships where it wouldn’t be, but then there are people with different priorities who wouldn’t agree with our choices about other things. So, not for us, but for everyone else, whatever.
I voted “Perhaps, but my spouse would never go for it”, but in reality there’s no ‘perhaps’ about it. I know I would and have felt that way for most of my adult life. However, there is no way in the world my wife would ever agree to it, under any circumstance. That’s OK though, she’s fantastic in so many ways, I don’t begrudge her opinion.
As a married dude, sure, there have been times when it has crossed my mind (usually when there is a dry spell for some reason). But the reality is twofold: One, my wife would never go for it, and two, I am way too jealous of a person to be ok with my wife sleeping with someone else.
Not interested in the “scene,” as I understand it. Have enjoyed threesomes, with both my wife and I surprised at the lack of drama and genuine positive experience of the whole thing. Need the right partner, it never would have worked with previous relationships. Also, need go into it not as a “chance to have sex with someone new” but as a chance for both of you to have an experience together.
There’s nothing appealing about that to me. When I’m in a relationship I don’t want to have sex with anyone else and I sure don’t want my SO to. Not to mention I hear you need to be in a really secure relationship for it to have any chance of not causing problems and I’ve never been in one like that.
I’m in a committed relationship with two people (one is my husband and the other one is a person I’ve referred to as my best friend on here before; I actually haven’t mentioned this before on here but I felt like it today, so) and while that works for me, I have zero interest in random hookups or “swinging.”
Wife and I have been swinging on and off for about ten years and love it.
Basically, there are dating sites for swingers (ex. adultfrinedfinder, swinglifestyle). Thouse work just like regular dating sites, and when we’re travelling or feeling like a fun weekend we browze ads or respond to mail we’ve been sent. Meet for drinks or dinner to see if the chemistry is there and either arrange something later on or end up having fun that night. With the exception that your best friend and wingman is right there and having fun too, it’s no different from vanilla dating.
Then there’s clubs and house parties (parties you generally get invited to because you met someone on a date or at a club). Those are just like regular clubs and discos, except no one really bats an eye if things start happening between couples (some places, esp. those with normal clientell on other days can be a bit insistant on taking it private). Most on-premise clubs (ex. Trapeze in Ft. Lauderdale or Checkmates in NYC, Rooster in Vegas, etc.) have a series of back rooms you can go to with either another couple or ‘group’ rooms that are insanely fun. Though different clubs have different atmospheres (just like vanilla clubs that are meat-markets or chill dives or just plain fun), the biggest difference is whether single guys are allowed or not. Most have nights reserved just for couples, which tend to be much more our speed. Single guys add a strong vibe of vulture, but if that’s what you’re into, great.
We’ve talked about it, but never picked up an otherwise vanilla couple. Maybe next vacation.
Oh, and about the whole jealously thing? Though it takes all types (and if you tell us you’re there because one of you was straying or you think it will save your relationship, most swingers will move on as quickly as possible), most are confident and secure enough to realize that sex in a relationship is physical, but there’s so much more going on–jealously doesn’t enter it at all. If you’re the tye[p to get jealous because a masseuse is giving your partner a better backrub than you? Of course not. So why is a blowjob any different? We have great sex together, and together we all have great sex. Win-win-win
I’m definitely open to it, but I don’t require non-monogamy. I also know that, depending on the person, opening up a relationship can lead to a “lady or the tiger” situation. They may find out they have jealousy issues they weren’t previously aware of, stuff like that.
Anyway, it’s mostly irrelevant as my boyfriend is highly monogamous. Frankly, I’m fine either way. But he knows I’m open to it. And if he ever changed his mind down the road, I wouldn’t dislike that.
These, pretty much. I had a 10 year open marriage, and while the marriage didn’t last, the open part of it wasn’t the problem. But I don’t think I’m cut out for swinging, as opposed to polyamory. All my lovers are friends first, even if the sex is merely recreational; I’m really too shy for swinging.
My current husband feels monogamous towards me, although he’s swung in the past. He’s not particularly cut out for polyamory, I don’t think. He’s a serial monogamist.
But we both want to keep the other happy, so we discuss it every so often and try to figure out where we’re at. We’ve tried a couple of adultfriendfinder meetups, and found the people in our area to be very cliquish and unappealing. We weren’t even comfortable enough to stay for a second drink, much less a hookup. And so we stay happily monogamous with the awareness (and acceptance) that it may change in the future, or it may not.