Mrs. Homie and I are thinking about seeing if The Lifestyle is for us. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. A brief Google search turned up some personals sites (one looked like it hasn’t been updated since 1998), but I’m not interested just yet in arranging a date. I’d rather go to, like, a community luncheon or something, or a group thing (and no, we’re not going to Swingstock).
Is there anyone here who practices The Lifestyle? I’d be interested in things like how to get started, knowing if there are group meetups, that sort of thing.
Not for me, but I’ve had a few friends that have been. For both of these couples, it was actually the greater desire of one member of the couple than the other, but their spouse initially agreed to pursue the lifestyle, because of their spouse. In both cases it didn’t work out. Eventually, too much jealousy, and both couples are now no longer together.
I’ve did it for a year or so with someone I was casually dating/FWB. (I don’t know if I could do it with someone in whom I was deeply emotionally invested.) Our participation in the lifestyle consisted of going to bars/clubs that catered to it, and a few private parties. They were generally of two sorts: on-premises and off-premises.
On-premises clubs meant that any and all sex acts were A-OK on the premises, and there were usually back/side rooms available for couples or small groups to retire to. The flipside of that was that all alcohol was BYOB, due to some legalities. You’d pay the cover charge and servers would bring you glassware and mixers (soda, sour mix, Red Bull, whatever) to make drinks with the booze you brought.
Off-premises clubs were closer in operation to a normal bar, and in fact were often pop-up operations held at regular bars on off-nights. At an off-premises affair, booze was sold (and outside booze was forbidden, just as it would be at a normal bar), but sex acts were not OK. (This was still a very permissive atmosphere, though; I regularly saw all kinds of nudity and people getting as far as third base, right out in the open.)
If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask via PM or right out here in the thread.
Think about carefully, discuss, and then choose (as a couple) from the menu:
Swinging. You and Ms Homie have an ongoing relationship with each other; you each have the new additional freedom to have sex with other people but you expressly forbid each other from getting emotionally involved with anyone else, it’s just for sex.
Swinging Contingent upon Approval. You and Ms Homie have an ongoing relationship with each other; you each have the new additional freedom to have sex with other people but you expressly forbid each other from getting emotionally involved with anyone else, it’s just for sex AND Ms Homie has veto power over any potential sex partners for you, and you likewise have veto power w/regards to sexual partners she might have. Obviously that means you present your potential new swinging partners to each other etc
“Primary/ Secondary” Polyamory, or “Open Marriage”. You and Ms Homie have an ongoing relationship with each other and, for each of you, the other is defined as the “primary”; you each have the additional freedom to have not only sex but ongoing emotionally-connected relationships with other people but the other relationships will be “secondary” in various official ways, which you should of course discuss and be clear about. Sometimes this can include veto power just as with the above-described swinging arrangement.
“Egalitarian” Polyamory. You and Ms. Homie have an ongoing relationship with each other which, for each of you, may end up being one relationship among many; you each have the freedom to pursue love and sex to your hearts’ content and trust that the emotional ties between you now will suffice and that you do not need any structural protections for your current relationship with each other, in order to be able to fully embrace new relationships on an equal footing if they develop in that direction.
“Puppy Pile” Polyamory. You and Ms. Homie jointly have the freedom to become involved emotionally and sexually with new partners but all new partners must be partners jointly of both of you, hence resulting in a triad or a quad or some such geometric love-polygon.
I have no direct experience with these things, but I do recall Xaveria Hollander’s advice in Penthouse magazine never to attend an orgy with someone you are in love with.
Yeah, there are conventions held in hotels where there are group activities, happy hours, etc held in the bars or meeting rooms. I have a buddy who does it with his wife, sort of. The “sort of” part is because they insist that it be with another couple at the same time, and it’s very difficult, according to him, to find another couple they both agree to and who also both want to be with him and his wife. (He claims the difficulty is usually the other wife, who gets jealous of his wife being “too hot,” but I can’t believe people who wife-swap are too prone to jealousy.) Anyway, they’re mid-30s and very fit, but they have trouble finding couples.
The phrase you want to type into your search engine is “swingers munch” plus your location or a nearby location.
Do consider going through Ahunger3’s list of options and discussing them with your wife. Lots of people who try swinging find themselves surprised to be falling in love with their new swing partners (which is perfectly natural!) and then don’t know what to do about it except dump a perfectly lovely person. That “no falling in love” rule can be difficult to follow in practice, plus I think falling in love can be the best part.
The old joke is that the wife has to talked into it by the eager husband but more often than not she is one who has to dragged away from the action by the end of the night. I have no knowledge of how these things might play out in the real world, but from what I have read the main danger is a wife hooking up with a man who really rings her bells sexually and that that point sex with hubby is permanently judged to be unsatisfactory or second rate which can generate all kinds of undesired outcomes over the long term.
If two people were super open, non-jealous and accommodating I guess it could work but it would take a very special married couple. If it’s just a non married, casually dating couple it would be a lot easier to contemplate doing this. Overall it’s exciting but if you expect to go back to a mutually satisfying monogamous relationship at some point you are playing with fire on multiple levels.
IMVHO, it’s the emotional/marital equivalent of “Here, hold my beer…”
Just because some people can make it work, or say so, and their spouse nods, from truth or reluctance to start a fight, doesn’t mean anyone but that special, very balanced couple can do it.
