I don’t know if polyamory is the right term but I think so. My gf (of about a year and a half) and I have decided to open up our sex lives a bit and explore adult fun with another couple. Those with personal experiences with this type of thing can chime in, for advice or anything.
Finding an ideal couple was surprising easy. We set up a Tinder account, with pics of both of us and listed ourselves as “female looking for female” on our profile. Turns out quite a few couples do this too, as we frequently came across other couples looking for the same thing (or, actually more commonly, looking for another girl for both of them). Most of the couples weren’t all that appealing but we found one we both like.
After some communication and further pic sharing, we realized we both wanted the same thing, so we set up tentative plans to meet up next week. It’s a bit of a drive, so we decided to get a nice room (plus that kinda adds to the fantasy-appeal of it all) about halfway between us both. We are going to meet at a bar and get some drinks and hang out before the hotel fun.
Are there any pitfalls I should be aware of? It sounds fucking hot as hell and as long as communication is flowing, I don’t see the downside. Our (my gf and I) relationship is very strong and our sex life is already amazing, we just want to add to it. We’ve each said what we are and aren’t comfortable with, however in the back of my head I’m a bit wary. Wary that perhaps my excitement over the novelty of this is clouding my judgment. No-strings-attached sex with another couple. A very attractive couple. Hmm…thoughts?
Well, since nobody’s answered this yet, I’ll say this.
I’ve known a lot of people into polyamory. I’ve rarely seen it end well.
People usually end up pairing off, and it’s not often with the person they started with. With monogamous relationships, you can certainly develop feelings for other people, but you have less opportunity to do that than you do if you are having sexual relationships with others. Sexual can become romantic pretty quickly, and then you have a ‘‘grass is greener’’ situation with that other sex partner whenever hard times between the two of you come knocking.
I’m a little less concerned if it’s just sex. I think you’re going to be better off keeping it no-strings-attached, but there’s always going to be a chance emotions get involved. Communication is important in relationships but it’s especially important in cases of polyamory.
It’s good you’ve discussed what you are and aren’t comfortable with, but I’d go one further. Develop a mutual plan for how you would handle any emotional entanglements. That’s your commitment to one another. Whatever you agree to, make it sacred, as sacred as any commitment to pure loyalty would be for a monogamous couple.
Develop an exit strategy now. First with your girlfriend, how would you end it? What would your obligations to each other be? Could you be amicable?
And then, before things get too complicated, with the other couple. How will that go? Will there be hard feelings? Will everyone be cool, if one person decides they want out? What needs to be said? To whom first? Etc.
Polyamory is about relationships. Swinging is about sex.
As far as swinging goes, there will be increased risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Chlamydia, gonorrrhea and HIV are transmitted by bodily fluids, so condoms can help prevent transmission, but human papilloma virus and herpes are transmitted skin to skin, which includes areas not protected by condoms.
Just to touch back here for a sec, you honestly think I’d be in communication with this other couple, share pics back and forth, and talk about sex with each other, without letting them know that I don’t walk??? Seriously? You think I would have just showed up, wheels and all, and say, “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I’m a paraplegic”?! You have more common sense that this.
And to further clarify a bit, this other couple is married, with kids. While I know that doesn’t guarantee that emotions stay compartmentalized, it does strengthen the security of the situation. Everyone knows that everyone is “spoken for” and no time will be spent alone with either.
My girlfriend and I have already done some experimenting, sexually, with much success. I can’t get too detailed here due to forum rules but suffice to say we both greatly enjoy the ‘otherworldly’ excitement of taboo-ish sex.
As far as the sex with the couple, yes, we’ve discussed some rudimentary groundrules. No kissing is one (I didn’t really care about this one but the other couple did) as well as no one-on-one time alone with the other partner. If anyone ain’t feeling it or wants out, it’s a done deal.
Are you prepared to lose both this new couple with kids as well as your girlfriend if things don’t work out as hoped? Like what if either one of you loses trust in each other in case either of you decides to independently branch out on your again with telling the other? What is it about sex with a stranger that appeals to you so much? I see no scenario where this ends happily. But it’s your life.
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Erm, to be fair, you did ask for advice/experiences.
For what it’s worth, the only group of poly folks I knew at any depth (several grad students and an older woman that worked off-campus), who also happened to have lived in the same house, were a nearly constant pot of who-dates-whom drama.
How about the possibility of finding yourself a long drive from home, checked into ONE hotel room together with some strangers who are either psycho, or just not appealing in person?
Think about that. With ordinary online dating, you don’t set up a first date in such a way that you can get stuck in a bad situation. Here, even if everyone really is cool with the sharing part, you’re still quadrupling the chances of noncompatibility.
You fucking asked for thoughts, didn’t you? Here’s mine:
You girlfriend is probably just bored to shit of you and wants an excuse to fuck other people. It’s not going to end well for you.
SEE the downside is you get a “friends with benefits” thing going you get in a fight with said gf and someone or both in couple b will be sympathetic and all of a sudden they have a new girlfriend until they get bored and find another couple and you don’t
there is actually a term for “predators” like this but ive forgotten it
Or the girls become friends and they do the normal best friend thing and since sex is involved thell be even closer and decide they don’t need either of you
No. But it sounded like you were also getting “a” room, all together, planned in advance.
If your plan all along has been that you and your GF are getting your own room, not at the same location as the meeting bar, and not known to your friends-to-be, then disregard my comment.