For me, dating is not about just finding a companion for the theater on Saturday night. I have friends for that, and I don’t get enough time with them as it is. Dating, to me, is about looking for a life partner, and I couldn’t imagine trying to meld those ideas into my life which is full of gay, lesbian, and trans folks who I love.
This person has a complete right to believe what they believe, and kudos for them not trying to impose the belief on anybody else. But those values do not match mine. I have many close friends with whom I disagree on any number of issues. Sometimes those issues come to the fore and the friendship fades. Others have been good friends for decades without the issues being anything other than an occasional discussion.
But some things are dealbreakers even for a friendship. If you argue loudly that no one can raise a child properly without hitting them, we’re not gonna be friends. And if you think that my gay and lesbian friends are sinning every time they kiss their spouse, if you can look at those loving faces gazing into each other’s eyes and call it wrong, then we’re not going to get along.
When I see loving couples it warms my heart; I want someone I can share that with.
But in dating, there are a lot of people cast aside. It’s okay to choose not to date someone because they are uncomfortable around gay people, or they are really into dub-step music, or they are a terrible tipper at restaurants, or they have weird hair, or they really want a bunch of kids starting soon, or any number of other reasons. It’s okay to be picky while dating. You might miss out on some otherwise good matches for you, but that’s your prerogative.
People are naturally and understandably pickier about dating than about general socializing. It would be nasty to refuse to socialize with black people, or Englishmen, or Buddhists. It would be common for people of good will to rule any of those categories out of their dating pool. Attraction is a personal and highly specific thing.
I never said I dated them before they changed their mind or that it was an exact parallel. I carefully chose my answer, which was deliberately vague, because it was in response to both an odd question and not the point or focus of this thread.
To the point I did make, my position is that people can change, and a combination of their ideas and interactions are very complex. So I believe the OP is not only in a better position to explore where this person falls within a spectrum, but he’s also free to choose whether or not there is value in pursuing the relationship, based on how significant he feels this particular issue is. This is as much a question about him, as it is this woman. As such, there is no right or wrong answer, I don’t intend to answer for anyone and I certainly don’t know enough about the OP’s particular situation to speak with absolute authority (hence I’m not arguing anyone else’s opinion…).
What I do understand (limited by what’s been told and taking it at face value), is the person in question behaves and conducts themselves one way, socially, but has personal differences which they otherwise keep to themselves. Whether they happen to be convincing enough, or legitimately have friendships which exist despite civil disagreements, I don’t know. I also have no clue if this particular person intends to work on it or not, but in the absence of this information, what’s been described is the very definition of tolerance and the basis for how we should treat people in society who differ from us. What she feels, personally, only came up as an issue when it was discussed between her and the other person she’s grown increasingly intimate with, which -mutually between the two- would seem like the best time to reveal such personal ideas and opinions. The OP can correct me if my understanding is wrong.
For that reason, I’m not passing judgement in condemning or supporting this person. I was pretty clear in how I would approach it, because the range of emotions tied to relationships often times plays with our inner compass and extends beyond single issues. That answer may not align with how I’d feel if I were forced to take a polarized stance, but it’s where I stand in this scenario. I also understand the gist of what you’re saying, but the difference is that you’re generalizing and making assumptions to fill gaps which suit your perspective. You think it’s fair to do so on a strict basis of principle, but I prefer to give the OP information/perspective and let them choose.
I’m not sure what you’re on about, but please don’t quote me with this stuff, because it insinuates that I previously said or took such a position.
No one advocated that position, so what you’ve posted here is a strawman. Saying ‘this person has a quality that means I don’t want to date them’ is not the same thing as saying that they have no good qualities at all, it is simply saying that they have enough of at least one bad quality that I don’t want to date them. On it’s own, believing that homosexuality (or ‘engaging in homosexual acts’) is morally wrong does show a distinct lack of empathy and blatant hypocrisy, both of which are qualities I don’t want in a partner, and (as people keep pointing out) doesn’t exist on it’s own, but is almost certainly correlated with a lot of other beliefs that I don’t want in a partner.
Stepping back from the specifics, there seems to be a really weird philosophy of dating behind the criticism here. It seems like you believe that people shouldn’t filter out partners for anything except certain narrow criteria, and that wanting to date people that think they are their friends are morally OK is some kind of dark, intolerant attitude.
And the hypothetical is just weird - I don’t know anyone who would just fall so deeply in love with someone who they can’t even speak to that that they’d want to leave their current life, country, family, and friends just to be with them. I’m sure there are some people who would, but I doubt that even 1% of people are wired in a way that scenario could happen.
I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said here. Hell, my ex wife was Christian and I am an Atheist. While we had many problems, our religious views were never one of them. (Mind you, she never had a problem with the gays.)
I guess I was speaking more to the extreme. People tend not to give a shit how others worship or what they believe. It ins’t until these more extreme folks start taking a proactive stance that negatively affect others that tend to piss people off. Kim Davis would be as perfect example of this. Nobody gives a fuck if this woman thinks being gay is “wrong”. It’s the fact that she is using her position of power to force her beliefs on others is what’s pissing people off.
We are not being ‘intolerant’ of her religious views. We just want her to stop acting like a dick. Believe whatever you want to believe.
Not me. I couldn’t date or marry anyone who believed in a god. And I will acknowledge some people who believe in god are not shitty to anyone. In fact, some are practically saints. I’m still intolerant, but there you have it.
This combination works better than the other way around, since there is no chance of you getting an abortion. I am a (mostly) heterosexual woman who is pro-choice. When I was dating I was careful never to date a pro-life man. Even if he was the nicest kind of pro-life, he still fundamentally disagrees that I have the ultimate right to control my body in the event of pregnancy. That would be creepy and disturbing since every time we have sex there would be a chance of pregnancy.
