Nah- no romantic substory. But sometimes I do ask myself, what is marriage after that initial homone-fueled lust/attraction (that I don’t feel for him)? I think it may be what we have now- mutual love, respect, deep knowledge of the other. It isn’t romantic love, but I personally know lots of couples that no longer have that and stay together because of those other things. They’re not so easy to find either. You know?
If he and I were in agreement that pre-nups are a good thing, and perhaps if he was willing to put everything in writing (though, if he were my BFF, we would probably have an existing element of trust between us), I would do it. Of course, I have no faith in the “institution of marriage”, so the ethical part of the situation doesn’t bother me in the least. If we make some sort of happy relationship out of it, great. If we decide to go our separate ways when it’s all said and done, great.
Why not? There’s always divorce. . .
One of the main reasons I’m NOT considering marrying him. As liberal as I am in my politics (not that anyone here has any cause to know that), I’m very conservative when it comes to relationships and marriage. I got divorced once a very long time ago after a very short marriage, and even though it was hell for me and I wanted out, divorce was very painful and life-changing and not in all good ways. I don’t ever want to get divorced again and will go to great lengths to make sure that doesn’t happen, up to and including not ever getting married again.
After giving the whole situation more thought, I’ve realized that what makes me even see this as a very slim possibility in the future if things came to that, is that I owe this man. I do owe him a lot. I’ve been a single mother the whole 10 years I’ve known him. He’s helped me in so many ways. If my car’s broken down, I know he’ll come get me right then. I know he’ll even help me with the repairs if I can’t cover them. He’ll loan me money at the end of the week when it’s tight. He’ll come over and put up my ceiling fan, or fix my shelf. He’ll take me out to a nice dinner when I’m down and make me laugh and smile the whole time. He tells me I’m beautiful and have a great body, even though we both know that I’m not and I don’t, but he did know me when I *was * beautiful with a great body . In 10 years he’s never told me that I’m imperfect or that I should change any aspect of myself, even though we both know that I’m so imperfect and such a pain in the ass at times. We have tons of little in-jokes that go back years. We know each other’s families and friends- he’s been in my kids’ lives since they were little, and is my youngest son’s father figure. We went through hell during the early years when we were dating with major, MAJOR issues that most people never have to face together, and we came out the other side still loving and trusting lo these many years later. In short, I feel that he’s saved MY life many times over.
I do owe him- whether I’ll ever make that payment, I don’t know.
As one who used the word, I care more about the ethical fraud more than the legal fraud. Marrying a platonic friend so he can have your spousal benefits violates the spirit in which both marriage and spousal insurance benefits were intended.
I don’t see the problem. Insurers require you to be married before your spouse will be covered. I don’t believe that there is any requirement that you love your spouse or that the marriage be consummated. How about the millions upon millions of shotgun marriages that have taken place over the years, all frauds? I myself got married to obtain greater veteran’s benefits, that is not why I fell in love, but it is why I got married. Fraud? Unethical? I don’t think so.
If your insurer is like mine, my employer provides my insurance, a new spouse can be added the same day you marry and he is covered for all pre-existing conditions. If your insurer does not cover for pre-existing conditions and you lie about his health that may be a different problem.
Common law marriage, in those states in which it can be initiated, is marriage. There is no diffference legally between a marriage entered into under the common law and one entered into under statute. The major difference being that under the common law a couple must hold itself out as married for a considerable length of time, meaning that entering into one in these circumstances would probably not allow for the friend to access the OP’s insurance in time for it to be of any use if he is facing cancer.
You’re a good person, Alice. Let your conscience be your guide.
2 x 4 cluestick. 
Well, if this was truly the only way for him to get his evaluation underway, I might very possibly consider this plan. Esophageal cancer is not something you want to dally around with (like most cancers, needless to say) and I’d hate to think that someone who was such a good friend might end up dying because of a delay in getting the right care.
Tonight we went out to dinner and he told me he found insurance through the same company I have, for $400 a month. I don’t think it’s that much (much more than I pay, though), and while he does think it’s a lot, he’s going to go ahead and get it. He does have another old female friend to bug him about it like I do, so he feels the pressure.
So the issue is hopefully settled at that. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him. Like I said, we are very close, and hopefully I conveyed that, so it wasn’t just a “friend”, it was more complicated. And yeah, he does seem perfect for me. I even hold him up as a standard for the guys I date- he treats me exactly how I like. But I’m just not attracted to him, and I stubbornly hold on to the hope that I will meet and marry someone I’m hot for. Ask me in 5 years and maybe I’ll have changed my mind.
damn it, bathsheba beat me to it, and with more economy of language, too.
You see all those things you like about him? Well they’re a hell of a lot better basis for marrying someone than that thing you’re holding out for.
No kidding. Buy a vibrator and a house with two bedrooms and live happily ever after!
I know it’s moot now, but before I ever considered marrying him (which I’m pretty sure wouldn’t work on at least one of the dozens of levels it could fail on) I’d probably help him move to another country with universal health care. That way he doesn’t have to rely on me - even if I were willing to do it, something could happen to me and then he’d be ass out.
Obviously it’d complicate things considerably for him, but, hey, it’s better than dying penniless from cancer.
I’m married, so I can’t marry someone else. But otherwise, absolutely. I wouldn’t remotely consider it fraud.
There is no “spirit” in which the spousal benefits were provided, other than, “if you’re legally married, we’ll cover them too.” It is nothing more than a qualification developed by a corporation. If you meet that qualification, you are in perfect harmony with the “spirit” of it. As far as the “spirit” in which marriage was “intended,” the rule is that it is a business contract. The Meg Ryan movie stuff is the exception.
I was once in this situation. At the time, I was engaged to the woman who is now my wife & I found out that my former girlfriend had a medical situation with no insurance. I briefly struggled with the same decision you mention. It was good that someone I worked with recognized what was going on, took me aside, and told me that what ex gf had was painful, but hardly life-threatening. That snapped me right out of the mental struggle. Better for everyone the way it worked out, I believe.
If the other person is that good for you, and vice versa, I’d consider marrying them for real.
As for whether i, personally, would marry someone to save their life… if I wasn’t otherwise attracted to them with that physical/emotional spark… it depends. Maybe. I don’t know. Arrgghh!
With gay marriage being legal, this gets even more interesting.
(At least if we had group marriage, this wouldn’t be such of a problem!)
Think of it as the “bring a friend and get a discount” that you find at book clubs. They just want one more customer and that’s what they are getting.
$400 a month for medical insurance is a mountain of money. We just crossed the $100 barrier for the whole family and are still smarting from it. (Triple-S Federal employee)
Good to hear that the situation is getting resolved without the need for a marriage. I don’t think it would have been fair to tally this as a real marriage, to add to the previous marriage and divorce. This would have been just a formality to get insurance, not a relationship. Not only that, it would have been the perfect excuse to never get married to anyone. “Sorry, somebody else is already making use of my marriage privileges. We can still date, though”.
And once again, if it ever comes to needing to get married to help this guy, have solid plans for the divorce and/or his death. He might be a wonderful guy, but you just don’t know who else might get in the picture with a different agenda and a good lawyer.